Tips to increase my libido?

JudgementalCactus · 2021-10-20T09:38:27+00:00

Just that really. I'm trying to meet my high libido partner halfway, and I feel like I'm failing. We have some kind of sexual intimacy 1-2 times a week, but it's always in response to him initiating. I almost never have any spontaneous desire and I have to talk myself into it most days. I'm only 30, the relationship is still fresh (2 years), no kids, no major stressors in life) so I feel like something must be wrong with me, but I can't figure it out :( For context: - my partner is awesome and there are no problems in the relationship that could seep into the bedroom - he is patient and generous in bed, never pressures me. Simply looks disappointed when I say no, but never argues or says anything negative - i find him very handsome and I love and appreciate him, but he's overwheight and gaining and that's a bit of a turn off - i don't have much desire outside of the relationship either. Almost never masturbate, never have sexual thoughts, never notice other men in that way - PIV does nothing at best, is a little painful/unconfortable at worst (even with lube). I can and do orgasm from clit stimulation, but it's never mindblowing. More like a whisper. - thought it might be the hormonal BC so I went off it for a month and didn't notice much difference. And the worry of pregnancy risk with condoms only countered whatever benefits there might have been Help! I feel I will eventually ruin this great relationship with my lack of desire and I don't know how to fix it :(

Morningsaregreat · 20/10/2021 12:29

I would make two points: Firstly look at 'responsive desire' and secondly if sex is not great regarding his appearance etc. then the desire will not be there as of course we don't desire something that is not enjoyable whatever that may be. Good luck

Salayes · 20/10/2021 12:43

Have you tried focusing just on you and your sexuality? If you rarely get the urges even on your own perhaps you are asexual? Or maybe you have not yet found what does it for you - not just in relation to him but generally. Do you know what you like and what turns you on in a general sense? Do you have any negative feelings about sex generally?

Maybe if you start focusing on your own sexual desire instead of his it might open up some doors for you, even if it is just to realise you may not find sex is really a thing for you which, if that’s who you are, is totally ok! Not everyone is a sexual person.

Original poster

JudgementalCactus · 20/10/2021 12:58

@Salayes

Have you tried focusing just on you and your sexuality? If you rarely get the urges even on your own perhaps you are asexual? Or maybe you have not yet found what does it for you - not just in relation to him but generally. Do you know what you like and what turns you on in a general sense? Do you have any negative feelings about sex generally?

Maybe if you start focusing on your own sexual desire instead of his it might open up some doors for you, even if it is just to realise you may not find sex is really a thing for you which, if that’s who you are, is totally ok! Not everyone is a sexual person.

I don't think I'm asexual, just quite low on the libido scale.

When you say focusing on my own sexuality what do you have in mind? Porn, erotic literature?

OP posts:

User79071 · 20/10/2021 13:06

Maca tablets, from any health food shop, worked for me.

TheFoundations · 20/10/2021 13:06

I'd tend to approach this from the point of view that if you had a partner with similar sexual needs to yours, you'd be fine, so this isn't really your problem to fix.

To reflect this, what's he doing to reduce his libido?

Let me guess: nothing.

Why does it fall to you alone to correct an incompatibility between the two of you? That's an 'us' problem, not a 'me' or 'you' problem.

Original poster

JudgementalCactus · 20/10/2021 13:08

@TheFoundations

I'd tend to approach this from the point of view that if you had a partner with similar sexual needs to yours, you'd be fine, so this isn't really your problem to fix.

To reflect this, what's he doing to reduce his libido?

Let me guess: nothing.

Why does it fall to you alone to correct an incompatibility between the two of you? That's an 'us' problem, not a 'me' or 'you' problem.

I know he'd be happy with sex every day if it were up to him. So i appreciate that he's not pressuring me for more than once a week. I'm sure he's making an effort too.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 20/10/2021 13:11

Yes, but 'going without' isn't any more sustainable than your 'talking yourself into it'. It's the 'temporary fix'. You're posting because you're trying to change yourself. He's not trying to change himself.

Have you talked to him about it? How did it go? Or, if not, what stops you from opening the conversation?

Original poster

JudgementalCactus · 20/10/2021 13:11

@User79071

Maca tablets, from any health food shop, worked for me.

I'll look into them, thank you!

OP posts:

Journeyofthedragons · 20/10/2021 13:16

@TheFoundations

I'd tend to approach this from the point of view that if you had a partner with similar sexual needs to yours, you'd be fine, so this isn't really your problem to fix.

To reflect this, what's he doing to reduce his libido?

Let me guess: nothing.

Why does it fall to you alone to correct an incompatibility between the two of you? That's an 'us' problem, not a 'me' or 'you' problem.

www.amazon.co.uk/Sodium-Bromide-99-4-Including-Delivery/dp/B079QZPP2P?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.sainsburys.co.uk/gol-ui/product/pg-tips-pyramid-tea-bags-x240

Karla2020 · 10/04/2022 21:40

Maybe because of the length of this post you won't even read it, but have you ever tried using your sexual fantasies at sex time? Imagine, fantasize the most lustful fantasies, who knows, maybe it will help

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 11/04/2022 07:26

@TheFoundations

I'd tend to approach this from the point of view that if you had a partner with similar sexual needs to yours, you'd be fine, so this isn't really your problem to fix.

To reflect this, what's he doing to reduce his libido?

Let me guess: nothing.

Why does it fall to you alone to correct an incompatibility between the two of you? That's an 'us' problem, not a 'me' or 'you' problem.

To reflect this, what's he doing to reduce his libido?

Isn’t this creeping towards double standards, there are plenty of threads on this forum from women with higher sex drives than their male partners, bemoaning a lack of sex, they are never advised to reduce their libido, the advice given in is normally get the man to see a GP or leave

Crikeyalmighty · 11/04/2022 10:19

Some people just seem to want/need a lot of sex to sustain a relationship OP , whereas others are the opposite end of the spectrum. I was interested until I hit 42ish — and suddenly I wasn’t interested (and I’m married) I can’t explain why and tried lots of things over the years—- I feel exactly like you and it doesn’t do much for your marriage if you have a partner like yours. I just came out with it one day and said that it wasn’t specifically about them— it could be George clooney and I wouldn’t be interested. My H has had to accept that’s how I am if he wishes to stay married- and I have been honest and said if he can’t accept it then we should separate. I’m 60 now and although youthful in so many ways, sex just no longer has much appeal. Maybe if I met someone else then I might feel different- but maybe not- I couldn’t say

Pinkdelight3 · 11/04/2022 12:01

I definitely found hormonal BC flattened my libido so worth giving it a while longer without it. That said, I'm older and my DH had snip instead so we didn't need the condoms, which also helped. You're at a different stage and it also sounds like your libido was never naturally high anyway so you may just not be compatible on that front unless his tails off more. Twice a week sounds plenty in any case and you can't really make yourself initiate it regularly as a long-term solution. The only thing I can think of is really digging into what turns you on and exploring that for its own ends, for yourself rather than to keep up with him. If you crack that and find your libido increases then that's great for both of you. If not, then better to accept this is who you are and how you're wired.

Naunet · 11/04/2022 16:40

Isn’t this creeping towards double standards, there are plenty of threads on this forum from women with higher sex drives than their male partners, bemoaning a lack of sex, they are never advised to reduce their libido, the advice given in is normally get the man to see a GP or leave

Unless it’s that poster telling women that, than no, it’s not a double standard. Women aren’t a hive mind.

SauceGirl · 11/04/2022 17:02

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow
You haven't been on Mumsnet long have you 😂😂😂

Catlover1970 · 12/04/2022 15:31

@TheFoundations

I'd tend to approach this from the point of view that if you had a partner with similar sexual needs to yours, you'd be fine, so this isn't really your problem to fix.

To reflect this, what's he doing to reduce his libido?

Let me guess: nothing.

Why does it fall to you alone to correct an incompatibility between the two of you? That's an 'us' problem, not a 'me' or 'you' problem.

The OP recognizes that for some people sex is part of a relationship and she is trying to improve her sexual desire. Why is this a problem to you?

Moser85 · 12/04/2022 15:46

@TheFoundations

For Gods sake.
He is already compromising. I'm assuming he's a similar age to the OP so for people of that age in similar circumstances without kids then he is having less sex than average and much less than he would like. He doesn't put any pressure on the OP.

And you ask why it falls on her alone to fix the incompatibility?

What do you actually expect him to do to lower his libido?? even though he seems to be handling it pretty well as is.

alm92 · 12/04/2022 15:54

@User79071

Maca tablets, from any health food shop, worked for me.

I tried these, gave me awful stomach cramps!

LemonDrop22 · 12/04/2022 16:08

Read some erotic fiction.

CousinKrispy · 12/04/2022 16:11

I invariably wonder the same thing as TheFoundations on these threads, or when reading article after article in the press about how to increase one's sex drive, often to keep up with a partner's higher sex drive. Why don't we ever seem to turn the question on it's head and suggest that the higher-drive person should take active steps to reduce their sex drive? (And that's entirely different from settling for less sex than you want, but not actually taking steps to reduce your desire.) Why does the one sound outrageous when the other one doesn't?

Regardless, OP has a perfect right to try and increase her libido. I found that any kind of hormonal BC killed off my sex drive, and your body might need more than 1 month to adjust. But I know what you mean about anxiety about pregnancy being just as bad. Was your sex drive the same before you went on BC?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/04/2022 16:47

Sounds more like he's a bit shit at sex, tbh. Add that to changes in his appearance and your having to grit your teeth and put yourself through a frankly crap experience every couple of days (a decent bloke would recognise that and not keep bloody asking) - it doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with you at all.

gannett · 12/04/2022 17:09

@Crikeyalmighty

Some people just seem to want/need a lot of sex to sustain a relationship OP , whereas others are the opposite end of the spectrum. I was interested until I hit 42ish — and suddenly I wasn’t interested (and I’m married) I can’t explain why and tried lots of things over the years—- I feel exactly like you and it doesn’t do much for your marriage if you have a partner like yours. I just came out with it one day and said that it wasn’t specifically about them— it could be George clooney and I wouldn’t be interested. My H has had to accept that’s how I am if he wishes to stay married- and I have been honest and said if he can’t accept it then we should separate. I’m 60 now and although youthful in so many ways, sex just no longer has much appeal. Maybe if I met someone else then I might feel different- but maybe not- I couldn’t say

This is really strong advice because the problem isn't OP's lack of libido, it's her lack of communication.

OP: there is nothing wrong with your libido! It's on the low side and that's just how it is. It's how you are. You don't need to make it something it's not. There's also nothing wrong with your partner's high libido, it's how he is. It's good that he doesn't pressure you - so perhaps you can take a cue from someone who cares for you, and not pressure yourself either?

But I think in a long-term relationship where you love each other but have mismatched sex drives, you need to get through it with communication. Yes it's awkward but if you're not talking about it you're just second-guessing what the other wants and why they want it. You think he's unsatisfied and will leave you. He might be thinking that your lack of interest in sex equates to a lack of love for him. But if you talk about it properly and honestly, you can hopefully reassure each other that these things aren't true - even though you're both having to compromise in some way, fundamentally you love each other enough to do that.

OR, an honest talk might result in you realising that the mismatch means you're just too incompatible. But even that is a positive and honest outcome compared to keeping silent and churning over your insecurities.

Sudokooo · 12/04/2022 19:39

If you have never had a high libido it’s unlikely you ever will and to be honest it’s more likely to get worse if you have children and when you get older. Don’t try and be something that you are not. I’ve actually given up relationships now as sex doesn’t interest me at all anymore (50’s). I just can’t be arsed with it all and found myself feeling pressured all the time. I just don’t want that pressure anymore. Having said that, if you met someone with a low sex drive, it’s possible you would drift to none at all over time.

EarthSight · 12/04/2022 20:06

It takes longer than a month for your body to adjust after birth control. More like 4 months at least. There's still circulating levels of SHBG about a year afterwards which might influence the amount of testosterone you have too.

I'd start by asking yourself of you want to feel more sexual, or want to experience sexual pleasure? Might be worth seeing your GP to get blood tests done.

Do you like being around him physically? Do you flirt with each other and touch each other sexually or sensually in a playful way that doesn't always lead to full on sex?