Birthday - am I being unreasonable?

[LSM1234]

I've tonight had an almighty row with my DH and am genuinely needing to know that I'm not just being unreasonable and an entitled princess.

I turned 40 at the end of last year (during lockdown) however, my husband wasn't able to work at all during Covid (he works in the entertainment industry), and we were living off my salary alone. Therefore, we agreed that we'd not do anything to celebrate but would defer it to this year when things were lifted and hopefully money was less tight.

Fast forward to this November and I had booked (with DH agreement) a 1 night spa break at a spa we also visited in August for our anniversary. DH has been earning again since restrictions were lifted and we can now afford it.

His 40th is early next year and he has decided that he'd like to go on a family holiday, which I am all for. The problem is, he is now dropping huge hints that he wants to cancel the spa break because "it's a lot of money" and "we've been before" and "we're going away in the new year". Last night I got fed up and (somewhat petulantly I admit) cancelled the spa break as I was hurt and upset that he was making me feel bad for celebrating my 40th, so that he could celebrate his.

The result - a massive row and now we're not speaking. He is adamant that I am in the wrong for:

a) being upset that he even suggested cancelling - I,e making me feel like my birthday / happiness was unimportant

b) For cancelling it (even though that's what he wanted).

I honestly am in a spin as ultimately I feel that we made a deal to celebrate this year and now he's making me feel bad for wanting to do so. In all honesty, it is an expensive break but we do have the money put aside specifically and I feel I do deserve to mark my 40th in some way, particularly after having the strain of being the sole wage earner for so long (not DH's fault, but a reality)

Please help, I don't know whose right and wrong anymore and I feel all communications have completely broken down. He is furious with me, but I am ultimately hurt that he doesn't seem to care about what I want?

YANBU to feel hurt I think. I would rebook the spa break. It’s important you celebrate your birthday. Hope your DH has apologised to you now. It’s a bit rich that he suggested you cancel your treat in favour of his!

I had a big birthday (50th) last year and missed out on celebrating as I had wanted. We said we would try again this year, but this year was a washout too as my birthday is earlier in the year. We said well maybe the year after but to be honest at this point I feel like the moment has gone, life has moved on and I do not need to celebrate anymore. But I think this was my decision to make, my husband would not have suggested we forget about it.

I think I could just about accept if your husband simply thought that life had moved in and there was no need to make a fuss over a birthday that happened a year ago. But it does feel insensitive and selfish to do that and in the same breath start planning his own special birthday.

So here, yes I can relate as I have also had the “missed” birthday and I think your husband is being a self centred

Would it help if you framed this differently? Your dh has chosen to use his special birthday cash on a family holiday. So he's not having an event that's all about him. Can't you do the same? You've had the experience of the spa trip. The anniversary was for both of you. Why not think of it as a celebration of the fact that you're both grown-up enough to put family first? If you put your birthday cash towards the holiday, too, it'll mean both of you can have a say in it and can both take the credit for a lovely memory for your family.

Makes sense to me.

Yeah sorry but you both sound very immature.
I’m glad me and my DH are nothing like this.

We didn’t celebrate his 40th due to lockdown and instead when it comes to mine we are going on a big holiday. He hasn’t even mentioned his but I’m going to make sure while we are away that we are both spoiled.

If you are visiting the same spa you were only at in August I can sort of see his point - unfortunately celebrating birthdays after the actual event is never the same - I'd have chose to do something different than what you did for your anniversary

Thanks everyone - actually some of your comments have helped me see it from another perspective which is truly helpful in the cold light of day.

I guess in my view it's not about having something that's "all about me" or even the birthday per se - it was more that this was something that we had both agreed to do some months ago and had booked together. It feels like equally it should be a joint decision to cancel or change it, not a pressure situation from his side. But I do get it. Thank you.

@MaybeAMoaner Your example was helpful - thank you - but I feel it would have been a point just as well made without the need for name calling or comparing your superior marriage to mine.

You're not unreasonable to want to celebrate your 40th.

• You want to go to a spa
• DH has decided that for his 40th he'd like to go away for a family holiday.

Both are fine if you can afford them. Neither is unreasonable. Doesn't matter if you've been to the spa recently - it's your choice. If he thinks these are too many holidays all at once, he's welcome to cancel his.

Honestly, the only part that I disagree with is that you cancelled your 40th trip.

Bit crap that you didn't get the 40th you wanted. Why not compromise - go the big holiday and have a spa day to yourself on holiday and use the extra cash leftover to have a really special joint birthday dinner?

I think most of us missed birthdays last year (I also missed mine this year too) due to lockdowns. Is it that big a deal? We've all missed out on a lot.

So I think you are being a bit princessey about it to be honest. It's not your 40th birthday this year anymore.

But it is his next year. Totally agree with @Mojoj - make a compromise and have a special 'you' day during the big holiday.

It's really not worth falling out over.

Can’t you see that both of you are being contrary. I mean you can argue about who started it and why but what is the point.

Both of you need to take a step back and decide what you want to do for you birthday treat and what is affordable. Do you want to go all in for a family holiday that recognises both of you. Do you want a romantic spa trip.

I’d do the spa trip with friends if you can afford it.

Its kind of like the moment has passed though. It was a rubbish time to have any celebrations during lock down and I guess he is being practible and looking for one big joint celebration?
Covid has changed my mind of thinking - used to love spa days but now the thought of being in enclosed steam rooms close and personal with other people makes me feel really uncomfortable - may be he feels the same too ?

I kind of feel like you can't really celebrate your birthday a year later. You had a spa day booked but it's not really a birthday celebration anymore