Can I stop him from seeing his child?

[LanguageAsAFlower]

So 6 months into a break up with my DS's father. When he was with us he was an alcoholic/gambler. Enough was enough and in April this year I asked him to leave.

He asked for and we arranged 50/50 child access. This was difficult given the reason we broke up, but there was never any evidence that he was drinking with DS or that he was/is incapable of meeting his needs.

About a month ago, ExP quit his job, drank a months wages in 2 days and said that he couldn't look after DS any longer. I took a few days off, changed nursery days and had him here. So that DS (almost 4) didn't miss out on seeing his Dad I allowed him to visit him at our house/put him to bed etc.

This week he has a new job, has stopped drinking and has said he's ready to have DS back again so they did two nights last week, all seemed ok and we were looking to go back to normal this week.

ExP was supposed to come and pick him up on Monday, didn't show. Was Awol for hours, turns out that he had gone out the night before and lost all his belongings (phone etc.) and was feeling suicidal. He won't access mental health care, won't take anti depressants and says he can sort it out himself.

My question is, obviously this behaviour is erratic and not ideal. He has never done anything around DS (to my knowledge) that would put him at risk. But where is the line? He can't possibly be able to meet DS's emotional needs in this state? How do I go about stopping access? Do I need to do this? I have all sorts of horrible, dark fears about the safety of my child, but they are also alongside a "pragmatic" side of me that is saying - "where's the evidence?"

I did post something similar around the time we were breaking up, maybe under a different name, and lots of posters were outraged that I was considering letting him see DS at all, and I understand that. If I could just wave a wand and say no access, I think maybe I would, but I need to know where I stand legally, if I just straight down refuse access I will be severing what is a fairly amicable relationship with ExP and making it more difficult to know what is going on when he does have DS, which I think even if I did go to court he would probably be entitled to.

Does anyone have a similar experience or any advice?

Have you any evidence of him feeling suicidal? Does he text you things like that? Has he ever made any threats? Either of violence toward you or someone else?

If you do, you could always try to get a non-molestation order. How old is DS?

Everything he has said about being suicidal is in person, his sister was here yesterday when he was saying it.

No threats of violence or anything, he's just detached and pathetic rather than that.

DS is 3 almost 4

If it were me, I would let him visit and do bed times at yours again until he got his mental health back on an even keel.
I have known family courts to not allow unsupervised access in such circumstances.

You need to gather evidence to support the claim he has an unmanaged alcohol problem. Keeping a diary is good, texts are better.

So you could stop access and see if he takes you to court for it, which he might not do? Would he definitely pursue it or might he just be passive? They'd just set up an order at that point if he did. Potentially taking into account his behaviour, potentially not.

Rather than that, would he agree to supervised access, perhaps with his sister in that role? Is he ever reasonable/regretful about his behaviour therefore amenable to such precautions?

I would definitely resist going back to 50/50 - offer EOW and an evening in the week or something instead.

You don't need to stop contact completely but you do need to stop the overnights for the time being.

As category12 says, you would stop contact for DS protection and wait and see if he raises an action for contact. But you need a lawyer to tell you where you stand legally in doing that. It is also very expensive to get into court battles, although you would likely be advised to attend mediation first.

Given that his behaviour is so erratic and unstable, I think I would be suggesting supervised daytime contact with his sister present until he seeks medical attention and has been stable/sober for a prolonged period of time. I do think the situation is serious enough to stop overnight contact and your ex should be made aware of this. Apart from anything else, you left this man because of the impact on your lives. If he continues to act so erratically and you are worried sick when he has your DS, then there is not much benefit to you having left, you are still entwined with his behaviour. Clear boundaries and expectations around contact. It sounds like he wants to have DS but cannot manage, so you need to steer a course which keeps some contact safe and manageable for both of them and allows you peace of mind.

But you need a lawyer to tell you where you stand legally in doing that.

You don't need a lawyer to tell you that you can stop contact if you're worried about DS's safety

Op I'm going through similar with my EX, basically i was told you need to have social services involved, so there needs to be a case against him stating he's a risk to then and why you've stopped/ want supervised contact and so on. You'll need this if you take him or he takes you to court

My ex was very similar, he was found by Police on a bridge and admitted to a mental health ward. However the Dr's stated that he, most likely, would not have gone through with it but it was an attention diversion tactic from the gambling.

After that, overnights stopped with my Son. He would still have him for the day. It got to the point that DS didn't want to stay with him even if he could as spending time with him was not much fun most of the time. It's very sad and I'm sorry you're facing this x

I should say that, due to the inconsistency of contact, their relationship became more of that of an Uncle and Nephew. My ex does not parent our Son at all. You may find things end in a similar way for you.

@Maybebaby8

Op I'm going through similar with my EX, basically i was told you need to have social services involved, so there needs to be a case against him stating he's a risk to then and why you've stopped/ want supervised contact and so on. You'll need this if you take him or he takes you to court

You do not need to have social services involved to stop contact If he has been abusive then it would be beneficial to have evidence of that, but if it's a case of not being safe to look after the child alone then it's up to the resident parent to protect them, not social services

First of all I definitely wouldn’t consider going back to 50/50 if you do feel your ds would be safe with ex because it really is only a matter of time before he relapses and you are back to square one again and this wouldn’t be fair on ds all the going back and forth.
Legally the bare bones seem to be to my understanding is the technically you could stop contact and he would then have to go to court to regain it. I am not sure this is the best tactic either.
I’d be inclined to approach ex if I felt I could and suggest no overnights at the moment daytime supervised by a family member and if you still want to or feel you can let him come over and do bedtime again like you did before.
Arrange timescales that you are happy to review this from snd I would set that time as months rather than weeks. He needs to sort himself out mentally before you can be sure of ds safety with him as right now his behaviour is too erratic for you to feel your ds is totally safe.

Honestly, I wouldn't stop access but I would ensure it was supervised either with you or by another family member.

I would also report his threats to the police (non emergency) so that should you have more worries there is a record and they are primed to attend. I would also talk to social services for guidance. They are snowed under but in this instance I think you need to prove that you have done everything to protect your child.

back up all conversations with your ex in writing so they are documented including his threats of suicide etc. Sorry to sound negative but should he do something whilst ds is in his care you could be found neglectful for knowing about it and not protecting him.

I've had a similar situation. It's very complicated and messy. If you feel it's appropriate to stop contact you can do that. He may well take you to court though so you will need to be able to justify why you stopped it.
Alternatively you stop contact and he does nothing.
Personally I would want to try and maintain a relationship between them but obviously in a safe way. Maybe a few hours at a park with you supervising etc.

@closeyoureyesandsee that's not correct. If the other parent has legal parental rights, they are viewed as equal in a court. The parent stopping contact needs evidence as to why they have stopped it. I know this as i had the exact same issue and sat in front of a court barrister who told me this last weekend.

This is only an issue if you go to court. My point is if you have concerns you need to document them. If the other parent takes you to court they may get issued more contact time which is S*. Which is what happened to us, so now I've no choice but for them to go.

[quote Maybebaby8]@closeyoureyesandsee that's not correct. If the other parent has legal parental rights, they are viewed as equal in a court. The parent stopping contact needs evidence as to why they have stopped it. I know this as i had the exact same issue and sat in front of a court barrister who told me this last weekend.

This is only an issue if you go to court. My point is if you have concerns you need to document them. If the other parent takes you to court they may get issued more contact time which is S*. Which is what happened to us, so now I've no choice but for them to go.[/quote]
Yes they need evidence but that does not have to be social services involvement. Most cases in the family court have never been anywhere near a social worker. Furthermore, social services will only assess a family if it meets the threshold for assessment, which most contact cases do not.

Is he even asking to have ds again at the moment. I don't think he sounds in any state to want that or pursue access in court if he dies and you don't allow it at the moment.

Thank you everyone for your advice. It's really helpful and good to know that some people have been in similar situations. I'm not really sure what's going to happen at the moment, but it is useful to know my options.