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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I have offended my mum - should I feel guilty?

16 replies

MrsSnape · 10/12/2007 10:49

I was chatting to my mum this morning and she mentioned that her and her husband and my younger sister are going to "heartbeat" country next easter and staying in a cottage for a week...she then asked if I wanted to go with them with the kids.

I'm not trying to be horrible but I honestly could not think of anything more boring than staying in the countryside for a week and I know for a fact that my kids would be bored stiff all week.

Thing is, she KNOWS that I hate that kind of thing so I can't understand why she insists on trying to get me to go with them all the time.

Not only that but she knows I'm desperate to move house next year plus buy a car AND start saving for Florida so have mentioned a few times about how all of next year will be spent saving. I have however said that I plan to take the kids away for a few days in the summer holidays somewhere fun like alton towers or something similar.

Anyway she got all huffy, said I always make excuses and that I complain she leaves me out (which I never have since I was about 13!!) and that when she tries to include me I don't want to know....

But its like me asking her to come to Alton Towers for a week...she'd hate that so I wouldn't ask. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
throckenholt · 10/12/2007 10:50

just tell her that you appreciate her asking - but countryside is not your thing - and you are saving big time for the Florida trip.

NAB3littlemonkeys · 10/12/2007 10:52

I agree with throckenholt.

It doesn't have to turn in to a big issue. No point taking the children on a holiday they won't enjoy as it would spoil it for everyone.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 10/12/2007 10:53

That's what I said to which she replied "yeah well, I said I'd ask, I knew you'd say no" etc but really off.

I just dont see the point in asking if she knows I'll say no.

I know it sounds like I'm being ungrateful but they tend to nag and I HATE being nagged. They've asked me about 3 or 4 times in the past few weeks if I'd like to go in a cottage with them next year.

OP posts:
robin3 · 10/12/2007 10:54

Better if you don't reject the idea but instead point out that there is only so much holiday cash available and Florida is the priority.

xmasfairyireneaonafaketreetop · 10/12/2007 10:58

but is it about that sort of holiday or just that she wants to spend time with you guys?
its a nice offer imo and if you are trying to save then it could take the pressure off...

countryside looks boring but its not!
there is loads to do outside
and inside, take puzzles games books etc..
i know its not attractive if its not your bag but i'd give it a go

Original poster
MrsSnape · 10/12/2007 11:03

Thing is, it wouldnt cost me anything, its already paid for. I'd just need money for when we were there but they're not the most exciting people at the best of times.

They sit watching TV most of the time which I cant even stand doing at home, never mind on holiday. Then there's the trailing around markets and charity shops...

I just couldn't do it, I'd be itching to go home after a couple of hours. I just wish she'd stop going on about it.

OP posts:
branflake81 · 10/12/2007 15:15

I think you're being a little unreasonable. If they nag, surely it's because they want you to be there. And - OK - it might not be your cup of tea but I don't think it would hurt to go along every so often. We often have to do things in life that aren't to our liking to please other people and there's nothing wrong with that. You might be surprised and actually have fun! OK, so there might not be rollercoasters in north yorkshire but it's a nice part of the world and I bet your kids would love the fresh air.

fondant4000 · 10/12/2007 15:18

Couldn't you go for just a day or two?

thehollyandtheivy · 10/12/2007 15:23

We often have to do things in life that aren't to our liking to please other people and there's nothing wrong with that.

For goodness sake, there's a difference between doing things that aren't to our liking and making poor Mrs Snape have an entire holiday with these dull people.
YANBU Mrs Snape, why should you go, it sounds dreadful.

Stepfordsroastingonanopenfire · 10/12/2007 15:25

How would you feel if they'd gone without inviting you? If it was something that just might be your cup of tea, and you weren't invited? At least she asked!

I can't understand why your mum would be offended if you explained that it's just not your cup of tea & that you're saving up. Perhaps you need to reassure her (not in so many words) that you're not rejecting her/them. Can you find something else to do together?

smithfield · 10/12/2007 15:53

Mrssnape- I read your other post re your mum and stepdad, so it does appear to me she is constantly trying to needle you into doing what 'she' wants you to do, and to hell with what you need or want?

Original poster
MrsSnape · 10/12/2007 15:58

yes that is true.

Its like a few weeks ago I arranged to go into town and pick up my university books.

My mum then phoned and said "I'm going to your grandads on friday, you coming?"

so I said "no I cant, I've arranged to go into town.."

so she said "ooo you wait while I tell him that you said no"

so I quickly became irritated and said "well I didn't know you were going and I've already made plans"

so she said "but I've told him now, he'll be disapointed..."

so I 'calmly' pointed out that had she asked me first I wouldve been able to tell her I was busy.

Anyway everyday after I got "so you're not coming to grandads then?" ... litrally every day.

Until the day she went...then she came home, phoned me and said "actually I think you might have upset him a bit, you should phone him"

OP posts:
smithfield · 10/12/2007 16:00

Do you have any siblings? How is she with them?

Original poster
MrsSnape · 10/12/2007 16:07

I only have one, she's 14 and still lives at home so its hard to say really as you would expect her to want to control a 14 year old.

OP posts:
smithfield · 10/12/2007 16:57

yes but even with a 14 year old there are levels of control healthy and unhealthy. Interesting you said control though.
She does sound quite controlling.
Unfortunately she not likely to change so perhaps you need to loosen her hold on your life. Sounds like she has a fair grip on it atm

toomanystuffedbears · 10/12/2007 17:38

It is tricky.
Say no to the invites, especially if you know the time leading up to the event could be described as 'dreading it', 'don't want to go', 'why did I let her talk me into it?'. Anticipating a negative time will more likely than not end up being a negative time.
The resulting verbal trash that is thrown your way need not stick to you-in one ear-out the other. Stand your ground, develop a teflon coating. (And I know that is easier said than done!)

I read the other post about sleeping as well. It might be time for you to begin the process of snipping those apron strings.

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