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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How much would this bother you?

23 replies

MultiplicationPractice · 19/10/2021 18:37

NC for this as my other posts are very outing.

DH and I have been married for 20 years, together much longer. 4 DC, one with additional needs who needs a lot of extra time and attention.

I took a long career break to care for DCs, partly because it was unaffordable to work and pay childcare, partly because it was impossible to get childcare for my DC with SEND, and mostly because DC needed to have a strong, regular routine at home. During this time I supported DH to climb the career ladder, he is now in senior management.

I returned to work in 2019. It became apparent very quickly that I wasn't going to get the same support from DH as I gave to him. The course I did to allow me to go back to my career was managed entirely around the DC, he did not pick up any of the extra slack so I pretty much carried on as normal, just did more if that makes sense.

DH has never been good at communicating with me about his working hours, often coming home later than he said, but while I was a SAHM it didn't matter too much. I did all of the childcare and chores at home, so it was sadly irrelevant if he was here or not. I just kept going and got everything done... I think he quite liked having the 1950's lifestyle of coming home to tired children ready for bed and a meal waiting for him.

Since I have returned to work, it has become more important that he communicates well. I have managed to find a job within my career that allows me to work late evenings only, but this means he has to be home on time so I can get to work on time. For context, he needs to be back home by 5:30 for me to leave. His usual time home is around 7pm, sometimes work events mean he gets back at 9. He leaves for work before the DCs are up, so regardless of my work finish time I get up with them, get them ready for and take them to school then do all of the washing, cleaning and meal prep while they're at school. I pick them up, get homework started and make dinner before I go to work. I have a rolling roster over 4 weeks that never changes. One week he only has to be home once, two weeks he has to be home twice, the other week three times. We agreed that when I applied for a job there needed to be compromise on both sides, mine was not finding a job working days and still doing all the school runs (and being tired after a late finish), his was being home earlier in the evening to look after DCs.

Over the last year I have literally begged him to communicate more / better with me. He tries for a couple of weeks then back to hearing nothing and him coming in the door when he pleases. We had a big argument last week because he was running late and didn't bother to let me know on an evening I was working. We are short staffed and our workload has been stressful lately, and I was angry that I was stressed because he was late and ignoring messages / phonically asking what was going on and that I was going into a stressful work environment already stressed that I had no idea if he was going to be back on time to take over.

Sorry this is longer than I planned.

This evening is the last straw. I am isolating at home with Covid positive DC. Other DCs are feeling under the weather so not in school until PCRs come back. I haven't left the house for 4 days. We've got a housing development being built behind us, our neighbours are having work done at the front so it's wall to wall noise, plus looking after the house and kids... I'm feeling the isolation and I could do with some support. DH told me last night that he's got a late meeting tonight but will be doing it online so would be home earlier than usual. Meeting is 4 - 6pm. I sent him a message at 3:45 checking that all was OK and saying he was pushing it to be back on time for a 4pm meeting, can't wait for you to be back so I can go for a walk and clear my head, as we'd planned yesterday. He replied at 5 saying no, I'm in the meeting online at work in office. Finishing at 6 but has admin to do so won't be straight home.

I know he said he was coming home for the meeting, and I was so looking forward to escaping the house for half an hour just to get some fresh air and quiet time. But no, here we are again with it really not mattering what's going on at home. I'll just keep on plodding on. I'm so sick of it. I feel like there's no respect, no appreciation for what I'm doing at home. It's relentless and I'm so tired. I've told him this time and time again. I'm done and beginning to think that it would be so much easier on my own.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

Original poster

MultiplicationPractice · 19/10/2021 18:37

Such a long post, sorry.

OP posts:

Unsure1983 · 19/10/2021 18:42

It would bother me hugely. He has to hire a nanny/babysitter if he cannot stick to his agreed hours.

Sparklfairy · 19/10/2021 18:42

Youre living separate lives and you can't rely on him. How would it be if you split - could you find alternative childcare? You're practically a single mum anyway...

Mojoj · 19/10/2021 18:46

He has no intention of changing his lifestyle, no matter how stressed this is making you. Time to make some plans, maybe?

tulpudo · 19/10/2021 18:46

You are not overreacting at all. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates your effort and will share the load with you. It can be very isolating being alone with kids and especially in your current circumstances. I think you need to have a frank sit down conversation with DH about this and see if it goes anywhere. Be very honest/open, non confrontational and have a heart to heart that explains to him how low this is making you feel. Only you can decide how much more you are willing to put up with and you need to have that in your mind going into the conversation.

It's draining feeling alone and unsupported and you need to put yourself and DCs first. If he is unresponsive/unwilling to change then he has made his bed and will need to lie in it. You must do what is right for you at the end of the day and you are practically doing it all alone anyway - it wouldn't be a huge step to make the break!

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 19/10/2021 18:50

Ultimatum time, pull your weight at home or its over...

Signoramarella · 19/10/2021 18:54

Oh no this is awful. What a piss take. I really feel for you. You are a team, supposed to be. He is ducking out of responsibilities. You will end up having a breakdown. I was you, 4 years ago. Husband swanned in at 8pm every evening, after I'd done all the chores and kids stuff. He never helped. I felt like his mother. Left him 2 years ago. My life is ace now.
Can you envisage another 10 years of this.?
Do you love him, desire him?

Give him an ultimatum.
Back on time, everything, or he can leave.
What's the point of him ? Your better off having an au pair.

n you

NatriumChloride · 19/10/2021 18:58

You’re not being unreasonable at all. This post leaves me feeling angry and frustrated on your behalf. He’s taken so much from you and yet giving so little back when it’s your turn to work. I’d be having a serious conversation with him with ultimatums. By the way, how old are the DC? And is your job working from home, or do you have to physically leave to get to an office?

ChubbyK · 19/10/2021 19:02

It sounds like he massively takes you for granted and considers himself and his time to be far more important.

dudsville · 19/10/2021 19:03

He's being patronising and disrespectful, unkind and unloving. I'm sorry op.

Original poster

MultiplicationPractice · 19/10/2021 19:17

DCs are 18, 15, 14 and 9.

Thank you for all the replies. There’s nothing in them that I haven’t already felt. Work has offered me the opportunity to do funded further education next year and I really want to do it. I’m already planning it around the DCs because I know I can’t rely on him to help.

I have no family nearby (they’re 4 hours away) and PILs don’t support either, never have, so it’s really me on my own.

I’ve considered leaving, but I can’t see how that’s financially viable. Or how the DCs will cope. They adore him.

OP posts:

DampSquidGames · 19/10/2021 19:25

The DC would cope.
You’d get maintenance for your younger 3 DC, at least half the equity, half the pensions and other assets, possibly spousal support, you have your job.

MrsBobDylan · 19/10/2021 19:31

He is either a very stupid man who doesn't understand that when you take but don't give in a relationship you are at risk of it ending. Or he just doesn't care enough about you to make an effort.

Both awful and whichever it is I think he's a proper bag of shite.

Original poster

MultiplicationPractice · 19/10/2021 19:49

@ChubbyK

It sounds like he massively takes you for granted and considers himself and his time to be far more important.

Totally this. His job and his time is far more important than anything else and always takes priority.

OP posts:

FreshFreesias · 19/10/2021 19:50

So hope you can leave this selfish man

Original poster

MultiplicationPractice · 19/10/2021 19:53

@NatriumChloride

My work is out of the house and no way of wfh. Not that it would be possible, I constantly get texts while I’m at work from him and / or the DC so I can’t imagine how I’d get anything done if I was at home.

It’s funny that he expects to be able to ask me questions and I have to respond when I’m working but he won’t respond to me when he’s at work. Not that I bother unless it’s urgent.

OP posts:

HalzTangz · 19/10/2021 19:59

Do your older 3 help with with the younger one. Could they step in the babysit if dad is genuinely running late?

Could you not work during the day and use school clubs to help out childcare wise (surely that would be better than relying on your husband getting home on time for your evening shifts

gamerchick · 19/10/2021 20:06

Apart from the fact you would probably be happier leaving the selfish twat.

You have 3 teens and a preteen. You have 1 with SN. Why can't they be left? Siblings can pitch in.

He isn't going to change OP. You have a choice to put up with it or fuck him off and maybe meet someone who can make you happy.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 19/10/2021 20:12

Hang on - only your youngest needs actual childcare so why can't the olders help??

I mean yes, he's selfish and thoughtless but it seems like you're making the childcare issue bigger than it needs to be??

TheFoundations · 19/10/2021 20:21

Over-reacting? You're not acting at all, you're just putting up with it.

All you're doing is having emotions, and that's never wrong. You just have to make sure that you don't over-react (scream swearwords in his face and cut all his clothes up) but act appropriately instead (tell him calmly that his behaviour is bothering you to the extent that you're considering ending the relationship, so that he can choose to put your relationship first, if he wants to)

Then it's over to him to take responsibility, and if he doesn't, it's up to you to follow through.

Original poster

MultiplicationPractice · 19/10/2021 20:23

DC3 has complex special needs and epilepsy, and so needs constant supervision. DC1&2 don’t mind helping out on occasion but it’s a massive commitment to expect them to help out every time I work, they’re often not home and out at their own activities which I don’t want to stop. On the times they’ve agreed to help DH has been over an hour later than he’d told them he would be, which hasn’t gone down well. If it was just the eldest two and the youngest it wouldn’t be a problem at all.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 19/10/2021 21:00

I am going to go against the grain, but I think you are being unreasonable at worst and unrealistic at best. He cannot just change his working hours because you have a job, well not unless you have both decided that you are going to be primary earner and he goes part time, which it doesn’t sound like you have.

I have been in a professional role for my working life and have rarely managed to get home by 5:30pm and i certainly would never have been able to declare that I am leaving early (by early I mean for example 5pm) once a week, twice the second week or whatever, no matter how much notice I give.

A childcare solution is required, although going off the ages of yours, I am surprised the older ones cannot cope for a couple of hours.

DirtyDancing · 19/10/2021 21:01

I do think that often the default on MN is 'leave'. Depending on how all areas of your relationship are in the round, I would be sitting him down, and eyeball him setting out his options. Either he a. Gets home b. Sorts out childcare for when he should be home c. Gets out. I'm not sure id state c quite like that but I would be clear on a few things: this is your turn to have a career and life outside the family. It's not negotiable. If he can't not comply then he needs to leave. I would also suggest some marriage guidance to him due to the issue with comms. I would basically show him I mean business.

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