Being used

[MayLynn]

Please help me. I feel like I am going crazy. To cut a very long story short- I am in my mid thirties and I have been seeing a man who is in his mid fifties. I am head over heels for him and he is not treating me well. He degrades me and hurts me and I don’t know what to do. I know people will say to just walk away but that is easier said than done. I feel and sound utterly pathetic and I don’t know how to continue. He leaves the country in a few months so I just think keep going until then. I have ended it once but we are back together because I am pathetic and missed him. I don’t know what is wrong with me but I am sore and fed up and confused.

Might help you to read up on:
Trauma bonding
Narcissistic personality disorder
Cycle of abuse
DARVO
Lundy bankrofts types of abusers.
The shark cage analogy
Gaslighting
Narcissists Crazy-making
The sunken cost falacy.

Melanie tonia Evans does good youtube videos on Narcissists too.

Do not let him know what you are learning though..

Why is leaving him easier said than done? What makes leaving a relationship extra specially hard, in your case?

What makes leaving the relationship now hard? Will he make your life difficult?

There'll be a good, solid reason you feel the way you do. You'll be having a healthy response to an unhealthy pattern somewhere in your past.

Stop beating crap out of yourself; there's nothing wrong with you.

If I leave him he will hurt me and I will feel lonely. Yes it sounds stupid but it’s the truth.

@MayLynn

If I leave him he will hurt me and I will feel lonely. Yes it sounds stupid but it’s the truth.

But pain and being alone sometimes is just part of life op.

It's just adulting that sometimes you have to do painful things. And sometimes you have to do them alone.

If you have a root canal that needs done, do you skip the dentist? Of course not. Because if you do, you'll just get more and more and more pain until you finally go. And then once it done it will hurt all the more for a little while but then it will be over and you will wish you had done it ages ago instead of putting it off.

Put on your big girl pants. Break ups are part of life.

Hurt you as in say something mean or beat you?

Would you rather be hurt than lonely then?

Pick short term pain rather than long term protracted pain that will do more damage. You can’t avoid any. Best for both of you. Can you reach out to family/friends?

but I am sore and fed up and confused.
If I leave him he will hurt me

Mentally or physically? It's not clear.

Are you physically sore? This is worrying.

You might find Women Who Love Too Much an eye-opening read, OP.

I know people will say to just walk away but that is easier said than done. I feel and sound utterly pathetic and I don’t know how to continue. He leaves the country in a few months so I just think keep going until then.

It feels easier said than done but it's honestly not. You just have to spend a minute pressing a few buttons to block him on everything. Sorted.

Be the one to reject him rather than letting him be the one that leaves the country and leaves you. You'll feel much better for it than if it's the other way round.

If I leave him he will hurt me

As PP's said, in what way?

He's leaving in a few months anyway no point in delaying the inevitable. You will have no choice but to fill your time and thoughts with other things, look for a second job or hobby to get yourself out more.