NC and writing letters

[fishpie1]

I went NC with my family around 3 years ago.

This followed five years of the situation slowly deteriorating and me trying to resolve things during that time.

People who have gone NC will probably know that it's not the same as having an argument or a disagreement with someone. Communication is just impossible. My DF gets angry and abusive and shuts down/storms off shouting about hard done by he is. My DM lies, manipulates, guilt trips, controls, shouts abuse and makes horrible comments.

The whole thing is a big mess.

Since NC my Ps have been sending me letters. I read a few. Now I don't open them.

They sent my partner a letter. They don't know him, have never met him etc. Although we got together years before the NC and he was open to meeeting them etc. I asked waht he thought because sometimes you feel like you are the crazy one.

Even not knowing the situation in full he said whoever wrote the letter sounded totally unhinged and he, also, couldn't think of where to even start replying to it if I was going to.

Anyway, I have been trying to improve my life and mental health recently and these bloody letters arriving don't help.

A couple of years ago my P's even showed up ringing the bell! After years of insisting they did not want to come here and around a year of NC! Fortunately we live in a complex, so we have no front door on the street and no one must have been around to let them in through the main door. They then stood outside our window ringing my phone for ages and sent me a mad text about let's all of us go for lunch! Like nothing had happened, like meeting my partner in those circumstances would be a normal thing to do!

Anyway, to get to the point.

I just wrote out a letter back. It doesn't go into everything. Not even close. It just outlines a few things that happened immediately preceding NC.

These things are totally not in the realm of disagreement, they are just awful. I would basically be saying, I know you lied about x/y/z, this is the proof and you then used shouting abuse to manipulate the situation when I tried to resolve it, so stop writing fucking letters.

Should I just send it? Has anyone else done that?

Should I maybe send something very short with no detail in it?

If I ever see them again one day (live an hour away) I would want to do it by arrangement, not another blindside and another instance of being pushed into something which has been my life story.

We will be moving at some point, but not right away. And I don't want to be forced to move because of this.

Don’t send it. They will only take it as encouragement and keep contacting you. If you receive further letters, or your partner does, just dump them without opening them. Nothing good will come from engaging with them.

No, I’m nc with my sister and wouldn’t send a letter

Nope do not send that letter! That is what they want. You will only be giving them ammunition to up their attempts at contact. Burn what you've written and continue to bin or burn any letters they send you. If they show up and refuse to leave. Call the police.

Do not send a letter to them. You are no contact for good reason and this opens a door that should remain closed.

Examine why you wanted to write them a letter, if it is for instance basically to put your side of things across they will not want to know. If it is to have an apology or acknowledgement of their wrong doing then you will not get that either. Such people really do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Shred any and all correspondence they send without opening it, do not give this any more power.

Would also suggest you read and or post on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages, you would fit right in there.

Don't write back. It will only teach them that they just have to keep pestering you for you to eventually give in. It won't change anything.

Definitely don't send it. I'm nc with my family and I also contemplated writing to them but honestly, they'll never see your side of the situation & you'll just be wasting your time.

You mentioned in your op that you spent time trying to discuss the situation with them before you went nc, what makes you think this time they'll change?

If I were you, I'd love the fact that you're staying strong & not giving them what they want, a connection with you again, and they are on the back foot. You have the power here, not them & I doubt they like that very much! They may go further and actually want to reconcile properly or they may give up, either way hold your ground. No response from you is still a response. I believe we teach people how to treat us, if you just allow that connection, they'll continue this dis function..is it worth it?

No, don't engage with them.

However, I do think that writing them letters can be really therapeutic as an exercise in its own right - just don't send them!

Just bin any letters.

Write as many back as is helpful, but burn them or shred them rather than sending them.

Given that they will not leave you alone... I'm wondering if you do have to respond? No contact isn't working. They are harassing you. Perhaps write and keep a copy of the letter. Make it clear if they contact you again you will go to the police.

Definitely don't send it. I'm nc with my family and I also contemplated writing to them but honestly, they'll never see your side of the situation & you'll just be wasting your time.

This ^ me too. It sucks, but it's their doing, not yours. They sound fucking horrendous. Look after yourself, protect your energy and don't waste it on them. Write the letters to get it all out, but don't send them

Wow they have no respect for your boundaries at all to attempt contact via your partner.

Do not write to them as it will inadvertently back fire. You will just be handing them the bullets to shoot you with - every word and punctuation mark will be scrutinised, twisted and flung back at you.

Silence is your superpower.

You have held out for so long now - and it is working because they have had to resort to another devious tactic - so don’t cave now.

You will not get the outcome you want either that they take on board your stance and acknowledge your decision, apologise and/or leave you alone.

This would be fuel to a fire that will soon burn itself out.

Hold strong.

I'd speak to a solicitor and see if they can send them cease and desist or else they'll be reported for harassment. Dunno if they can do that but it's worth asking.

@DFOD

Wow they have no respect for your boundaries at all to attempt contact via your partner.

Do not write to them as it will inadvertently back fire. You will just be handing them the bullets to shoot you with - every word and punctuation mark will be scrutinised, twisted and flung back at you.

Silence is your superpower.

You have held out for so long now - and it is working because they have had to resort to another devious tactic - so don’t cave now.

You will not get the outcome you want either that they take on board your stance and acknowledge your decision, apologise and/or leave you alone.

This would be fuel to a fire that will soon burn itself out.

Hold strong.

You're spot on about the boundaries, a concept I'm fairly new to tbh!

The letter was very odd also. It basically said "since we can't get hold of fish and this is causing us loads of stress get on to her and get her to contact us" If I complained to them about that they would say they had no choice because I was blanking them. The letter finished off with a strange "If one of you does not reply to this I will have no choice but to report your address to hmrc." There was a nutty reason given for that but it literally did not make any sense. I don't just mean untrue, I mean nonsensical.

I have talked on here about this particular letter when it arrived. There were a few more and the last 3/4 I didn't open.

Basically in my DF's daft mind my partner would have stormed up to me and demanded I contact my P's As if I hadn't already talked with him about not seeing them anymore.

They do tend to home in on individual words and then twist everything. When I tried to resolve things before NC it was a case of if I tried to say I wanted it resolved because I cared I was over emotional, if I tried to keep it factual and calm I was cold. It's just all an opportunity to kick off and argue.

@DFOD Just to be clear the letter didn't say something like "sorry we haven't met, that would be great at some point, for now we would love to get in contact with fish because we miss her and whatever is wrong we can sort it out and move forward", nothing normal like that.

Don't open any more letters. Or send them back (though doesn't sound like that would stop them). Or maybe send back with 'no longer at this address '. Do they know where you work? Have you got other family?

@Utterlyexhausted I don't think they'll change as such, before NC I was trying to change the situation, but that didn't work either.

My DF's behavior had actually improved in the last few years of contact but my DM's deteriorated enormously. Having thought about it, I think she realised my DF couldn't be bothered controlling me anymore (as much) and that I was slowly getting more involved with my partner. She said and did some very underhand things and I suppose in her mind it was so she didn't lose me. In the end though she played a game for control rather than make effort for a relationship and now here we all are not talking.

She actually said herself that she'd "not had any control" in my relationship with DP.

Op your parents sound exactly like mine.
I went NC temporary a few years ago with them because they were deliberately causing stress during my pregnancy and my mother ended up contacting my parents in law even though they had never even met in person.
They feel so entitled that they don’t give a shit about your boundaries which is all the more reason to uphold them for yourself.
No reply, no letters, no NOTHING, they will just see it as an encouragement instead of a plea to please leave you alone. DO NOT REPLY.

@Sakurami I wfh and they know that. All the wider family is dead or 10 X worse tbh.

The thing is I could easily not be at this address anymore. I could have broken up with DP and left, he's hardly going to want to make any contact with them at all after the letter they sent him and the effect he's seen all this have on me. So they just box themselves out (rather than in) at every turn.

@OrangeBlossomsinthesun Thank you orange.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I don't want an apology or really an acceptance of my view, I sort of wrote this letter wanting to make the point that I have a different view to them.

I know this will sound silly but say you convinced yourself I had nicked your car which was red. You then write lots of letters to me about this car and keep insisting on and embellishing this story about me taking it. I would be tempted to write back and say, look, you lost your car, it's nothing to do with me, I don't even drive and your car was blue not red.

I wouldn't expect you to write back saying, oh, my bad. But I would feel better I suppose for counteracting your statements.

In reality it would do more harm than good I suppose.

@AttilaTheMeerkat What I want in an ideal world, which I know I won't get, is to meet in a neutral setting and calmly talk about a relationship with boundaries and me being able to say no to things.

My DM is even nasty when she gets her own way, she always said whatvever concessions I made to her were nowhere near enough.

She does get caught out by her own nastiness all the time, but doesn't learn. At one point pre nc I had put on some weight and she was gloating and sneering about how a specific birthday meal I went to with my dp must be the reason as we must eat at this place all the time.

I calmly told her we went there once and drum roll that was four years ago and she might want to be more worried that I've not willingly told her anything about my life in four years. She was put out, but she didn't change her ways.

Totally understand the urge to write and put them straight but it will make no difference to anything because they are not normal logical people. It's incredibly frustrating. But any contact is just a chance for them to keep playing these crazy making games.

You could only return to sender if theyve be put their address on any of the letters, otherwise they'll know the returnee knew where to send it.

If they're bright enough!

Options are to burn all letters when they come

ask someone else to read on your behalf then hide them from you

Lawyer letter to desist.

My only concern is that any response could instigate them to send a lawyers letter etc? Or would the cost put them off? Lawyer would only work if they then don't get into a battle of letters which would be costly.

To ignore is the best policy imo. Burning would be preferable but I can't help feeling if having the evidence could be useful in a worse case scenario.

As Pp have said, write the letters but don't send them. As you know every word will be twisted. You need to grey rock these people. They're not family.

Shred every one... Nc with my dps also.
And mil. Fil dumped us because he is spineless.
Reply is giving them head space and a reaction.

I left my dm a vm suggesting she stopped or a solicitor would be contacting her...

No don't send it.

You need to ask yourself what you want from sending it. Do you want your dp to understand and accept what they did, do you want them to read it and understand your point of view, do you want them to realise and apologise? Then you need to ask yourself if that will ever happen? Will they suddenly realise, accept and apologise for their awful behaviour?

Nope will they hell. They will use it as proof that you're the awful dd who has disowned them, they'll use it as a stick to beat you with, how could you write these lies about them, they will show people and tell them what awful things you've written about them, how upset you've made them and it will feed into their need for drama.

The way to stop this tug of war is to drop the rope and walk away

The letter was very odd also. It basically said "since we can't get hold of fish and this is causing us loads of stress get on to her and get her to contact us" If I complained to them about that they would say they had no choice because I was blanking them. The letter finished off with a strange "If one of you does not reply to this I will have no choice but to report your address to hmrc."

You keep saying it's strange, OP, and you're understandably baffled by their behaviour, but these kinds of crude attempts at manipulation in whatever way might hit a nerve are absolutely typical of these kinds of people.

A book that I found incredibly helpful in accepting my family's limitations and lack of insight into their own behaviour was Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson.

I can understand why you'd want to help them understand your boundaries and perspective better by engaging with them, but this book will help you to understand why that's a losing battle and should shed some light on their odd behaviour.

“Limitations” is a really good word. It’s important to understand that neither of them have are even capable of understanding and working towards emotionally functional relationships of kindness and respect, give and take, empathy etc.

They have low EQ and it seems that it is deteriorating with age.

Having had parents like this will mean that YOU have been sub optimally emotionally nurtured through your childhood which will have left you with your own insecure areas to work. That’s enough of a legacy - you don’t need them back in your life draining the energy, headspace and time that you need to live a full life - you don’t need them making the emotional wound they inflicted bigger.

Sounds like you have a nice life, home, career, partner - well done - don’t let them erode and pollute that by being back in your life.