Is he violent?

[Isitworththerisk]

I’m struggling to work out what to do in this situation, so would appreciate hearing what others would do.

25 years ago I was in a fairly casual relationship with a guy. We were both pretty young and it never really went anywhere but we had a nice time! It ended when I moved away, but we’ve always kept in touch through the years, just checking in with each other really.

Recently, we’ve both found ourselves single for the first time in 25 years and he’s told me he would like for us to give things a try. Just dating really and getting to know each other again. I’m fairly keen to do this to be honest.

However, recently he opened up to me about his marriage and ex wife. Now all I knew was that she left him for another man and moved abroad leaving him with the kids. Hes never called her names or insulted her, it all seemed pretty respectful. He’s now told me that what actually happened was that she was having an affair with this guy, and as a distraction, told his family that he hit her and was cheating.

He doesn’t deny the cheating part, and to be honest, I’m not sure I’d be too surprised if it was true, but he said he has never been violent.

So what do I believe? I know how rare it is for women to lie about domestic abuse (I worked in the police for years, although not as an officer), so I don’t want to dismiss what she said out of hand. But equally, why would she then leave the kids behind and move abroad? Would she really leave children with a violent man? I’ve also never seen any red flags of him being violent, no hint towards this at all, no controlling or jealous behaviour either.

Clearly I know sometimes women do lie, but I also know it’s rare, and he’s a lot stronger than me, I’d have no chance if it turned out to be true.

So is it worth the risk?

Have you seen anything in him that makes you think it’s true ?
Some women do leave kids with violent men as they are on,y violent to the woman. Although what happens when she leaves is a different matter.

What's your guy saying

I would give him the benefit of the doubt and get to know him

Any red flags dump.and move on

Never seen anything, and I know there were times when we were dating all those years ago that I must have pissed him off, but he never even so much as shouted at me. He could have changed of course, the pressures of married life and children are very different to the care free times we had. But then I just wonder why, at least once she had gotten away, she would not fight for the kids. She doesn’t even see them anymore, that’s got to be fairly rare too? I also wonder how many violent men talk about their break up without ever even calling his ex a bitch?

Obviously I want to believe him, I know him and don’t know her, so I’m bias, but I’m wracking my mind for any sign of abuse and I just can’t find anything.

Some women leave the children because they're too frightened, beaten down and believe the guy when he tells them he'd get custody and they're unfit.

You could try using Clare's Law.

And if you were in a casual relationship before, you wouldn't necessarily see the signs of abusive behaviour, because they tend to draw you in and the abuse creeps up over time, especially as you become more and more committed - big life events like pregnancy/marriage tend to be the points at which it starts ramping up.

Be aware that abusers often tell on themselves exactly like this early on. They'll say 'I'm a narcissist' or 'I've cheated in the past' or 'my ex says I did xyz' (violence, abuse, controlling ect...).

So in itself this is a big red flag.

As is arguably, this oversharing/sob story early on.

Op, honestly, there's no need for you to take a risk so why would you?

At best, there's going to be drama with his ex forevermore. At worst, he is a wife beater.

I say call it a day on this one, whilst you still can.

@category12

Some women leave the children because they're too frightened, beaten down and believe the guy when he tells them he'd get custody and they're unfit.

You could try using Clare's Law.

That’s a good point, I hadn’t considered that he was awarded custody based on being believed over his ex..

I’ve considered Claire’s law, I think it’s too early at this point, but certainly something I’m considering if things progress.

How did his family react? Have they stuck by him and supported the children?

Agree Claires Law. It's not unheard of for women to lie but always be mindful that most abusive men don't start off like that, they start off charming.

Also, he was quick to blame her at first.
Then the updated version he comes out that he cheated. And that there may have been violence.

So initially he painted it as a 'her' issue. But already that's turned out not to be the case. Does he explain anything about why he cheated. And how he can be sure he would not do it again? What responsibility does he actually take for the way the relationship turned out?

How do you know she dumped the kids and moved abroad? What if he’s buried her remains in Epping Forest and simply claimed she left the country?!

I’ve considered Claire’s law, I think it’s too early at this point, but certainly something I’m considering if things progress

I disagree, use Claires Law sooner rather than later. You don't want to enter a relationship with an abusive man. You need to end it before it starts.

I’ve considered Claire’s law, I think it’s too early at this point, but certainly something I’m considering if things progress.

That doesn't make sense to me. Surely you need to find out before things progress where you might be more emotionally involved.

@Pinkbonbon

Also, he was quick to blame her at first. Then the updated version he comes out that he cheated. And that there may have been violence.

So initially he painted it as a 'her' issue. But already that's turned out not to be the case. Does he explain anything about why he cheated. And how he can be sure he would not do it again? What responsibility does he actually take for the way the relationship turned out?

To be fair he didn’t really blame her as such at first - he did mention this affair she had with this guy abroad, but mostly just said they’d grown apart.

He hasn’t said he did cheat, but he hasn’t denied it either, and to be honest, I’ve not asked about that because I was too preoccupied with the violence. Maybe that would be a good test, to see how he reacts?

I’m swaying towards believing him. Only because there is no evidence to the contrary.

I’d be alert for any signs of it though and the first red flag is be off.

@forumdonkey

I’ve considered Claire’s law, I think it’s too early at this point, but certainly something I’m considering if things progress

I disagree, use Claires Law sooner rather than later. You don't want to enter a relationship with an abusive man. You need to end it before it starts.

I guess I mean if I actually decided I wanted to give things a try, but yeah I think you’re right, I should do it sooner.

Might be worthwhile to look at in a more general sense of does he take ownership of his mistakes or things he has done wrong, does he apologise ect...or does he blame other people/external factors ect?

My DF got full custody of me and my siblings when my mom cheated and planned to go travelling with her new boyfriend.

She's said all sorts about DF over the years. None of it was true, or has been massively exaggerated so she can paint herself as the victim.

Based on my own experiences, I'd be inclined to believe him.

@Pinkbonbon

Might be worthwhile to look at in a more general sense of does he take ownership of his mistakes or things he has done wrong, does he apologise ect...or does he blame other people/external factors ect?

This is the sort of thing I’ve been thinking over and he’s never blamed anyone else for mistakes, that I know of at least. As for taking ownership, i think that’s a little mixed. Some things he has, even when they genuinely weren’t his fault, others he’s tried to ignore and buried his head in the sand, but again, that was 25 years ago, he could have changed a lot!

I think sadly I’m going to have to give it a pass. It’s a shame because I guess I’ve held a bit of a torch for him over the years, but it’s not worth the risk. I was a bit on the fence anyway for other reasons (nothing bad as such, just practical stuff).