Is it abuse?

[Purplelion]

I read MN a lot, I rarely post.
I need some advice, I’ve just left what I believe to be an abusive relationship after 6 years. However because I left when things were “good” he’s really making me doubt that the relationship was abusive and l I’m over thinking it.
I don’t have the time to type everything he’s done but here are some examples of what’s led to my decision.

Drug taking and gambling behind my back.

Making me feel awful for having a work night out, to the extent that he made up a story about his friend seeing me with other men, this wasn’t true at all and he admitted he made it up to get me to admit to something that he was convinced was true. He also threatened to kill himself over this.

When we argue he shouts in my face, laughs at me for being scared, calls me names.

Made me feel bad for not wanting sex when I had tonsillitis, he didn’t force me at all but he did sulk about it.

I asked him to leave Saturday and he did. However he’s so sad and upset now I’m questioning everything. He’s said he wants to change and will stop being how he is.
I feel terrible, for him, for our children and just don’t know if I’ve done the right thing.

It is

And you’ve done the right thing

yes

Absolutely an abusive relationship, and don't think for a single second that he wouldn't start doing it all again if you let him back into your life.

I’m so sorry OP but you were 100% right to leave.
It doesn’t matter if you left when things were ‘good’ it doesn’t excuse the things he’s done.

Biggest red flag for me is the night out situation, it’s highly manipulative and shouting and laughing in your face is a way to make you feel small and him in control.

You’ve done the right thing and you should be proud of your strength for leaving this situation and realising what he was doing. You are worth more!
Sending love x

You absolutely did the right thing here. Keep him out of your day to day lives permanently. The "good" part was likely the "nice" part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

It has not even been a week yet since he left so wobbles are normal. However, you need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

There are examples of controlling behaviour (his behaviour re your the night out), verbal abuse and emotional abuse (his sulking) in your initial post from him to you, let alone his drug taking and gambling.

Many abusers also promise to change but they do not. He's likely only said that to you as well because the gravy train he was on has now come to an end. Do not let him back into your lives.

I would also suggest you look at the Freedom Programme online and contact Womens Aid.

He doesn't get to decide if its abusive or not. Drug taking in a house with children.
Gambling money that's needed to feed children.
It goes on. He is in total denial but dont waste energy on him. Pick one sentence like: l can't live with your behaviour and keep saying that. He will be his most charming self in an effort to get back.
Stay strong.

Don't let him back.

You've done the hard bit.

Work together to co-parent by all means. Keep it at that. You'll be fine without him.

Yup, it's abusive. Well done for spotting it and taking action. Please don't take him back because I can assure you, if you do, it will escalate and you will be blamed for his behaviour etc because, "you made me feel so insecure when you kicked me out, I can't help it now. it's all your fault".

I asked him to leave Saturday and he did.
Things must have been bad for a long time for you to do this, & I imagine it wasn't easy. Well done. You will get past this.

However he’s so sad and upset now I’m questioning everything.
He wasn't sad & upset for the 6 years when he was making you sad & upset. If you take him back, he will make you sad & upset again. Why is that less important than his feelings?
He has to deal with his own emotions. They are not your responsibility.

He’s said he wants to change and will stop being how he is.
Gosh, what a coincidence.
He's been perfectly happy with himself & his behaviour for the last 6 years, but all of a sudden, he's had a revelation & NOW wants to 'change'?
Now his behaviour has affected HIM? But never before - when it was affecting YOU?

I feel terrible, for him, for our children and just don’t know if I’ve done the right thing.
What about how terrible it was being with a gambling junkie with jealously issues, who treated you appallingly?

He'll still be the DC's dad. They just don't need to be actually living with a jealous, gambling ... etc ...

You have definitely done the right thing, any 'changes' would be short-lived and not genuine

he shouts in my face, laughs at me for being scared

Neither you nor your DC should have to live with this.

You don't need to convince him, you don't need his agreement & you don't need his permission.
But you do need to keep convincing yourself, & I hope you think about how he finds it funny to deliberately frighten you, every time you feel you might waver.

God this reminds me of my first serious boyfriend. I got invited to a work lock-in once - he slit his wrists (well one of them, very shallowly) to punish me 🙄

Don’t feel terrible for him, feel terrible for YOU. Feel terrible about the amount of shit he’s subjected you to, that you’ve taken for all these years. He’s an abusive arsehole and if he wants to change so much (like hell does he!) then he should do that BEFORE trying to get back with you.

Thank you all so much. I know I shouldn’t need to hear it from other people but it really helps to know I’m not crazy.

Your definately not crazy. I found mysef in a simialr situation. I always thought abuse was obvious but its not. Me and my ex split 3 times and the 3rd time i finally left.
I was like you i believed that maybe i had made a mistake. So we would get back together and everything was fine for a month or two and then it would go back to how it was.
He wants you to doubt yourself. In your gut you will kno what the right thing to do is

Yes, you did what you had to do. Stick to it. Well done.

Oh sweetheart.

You have absolutely done the right thing. He will try every trick in the book to reel you back in.

He will cry and sob and promised to change... all bollox. As soon as he's got you back his mask will slip again. And you now know the real him.

Tell your family and friends what has been going on. All of it.

And best wishes. You can do this.

Absolutely this is abuse.

You are not sure because he has made you not sure.

Trust your gut and be freeeeeeeee..........Yay!

you will question yourself. that's natural.

But you did the right thing. I was in your shoes so know what you are feeling.

Give yourself time. Do not let him back. He wont change.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Oh sweetheart.

You have absolutely done the right thing. He will try every trick in the book to reel you back in.

He will cry and sob and promised to change... all bollox. As soon as he's got you back his mask will slip again. And you now know the real him.

Tell your family and friends what has been going on. All of it.

And best wishes. You can do this.

I’ve not only told my family (Well my sister is my only family really) I’ve told his as well, his mum is devastated but she believes me.

If a relationship makes you feel bad, and you've told the other person why, to no avail, you leave. You can call it 'a bad relationship', you can call it 'abuse', you can call if 'Fred Dibner'. The label you need to give it is 'a relationship that made me feel bad, so I left it.'

Don't complicate it further by needing checklists to put his behaviours on, and trying to tick boxes. You weren't put here to be made miserable by somebody. Your job is to put yourself in places you feel good, with people you can happily be yourself with, doing things you like. That's it, and if anybody tells you you're mad, they're mad.

The think he is doing is called Hoovering. It is a thing.

@ChargingBuck I love this He’s said he wants to change and will stop being how he is. Gosh, what a coincidence. He's been perfectly happy with himself & his behaviour for the last 6 years, but all of a sudden, he's had a revelation & NOW wants to 'change'?Now his behaviour has affected HIM? But never before - when it was affecting YOU?

OP-DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK! Good for you for recognizing the abuse and taking charge. You did the hardest part, now, just sit back and relax. You are not responsible for his feelings. He is an adult and should deal with it himself.

Yes this is abuse. You have made the right decision.

You don't need a reason to end a relationship, other than you're not happy. There doesn't have to be a "bad guy". It's for each partner to do their best to make the other one happy, but if they don't and it doesn't work, it will all end sooner or later. That's what's happening now.

Life's too short to waste it not living your best life. And don't feel guilty.