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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dont know if I'm attracted to my partner anymore?

2 replies

Quartz24 · 18/10/2021 12:08

Please help me sort my feelings out. I'm a mess. Im not sure whether I am sexually attracted to my partner anymore and it's getting me down. I've been thinking this for a while but I've been putting it down to things. I had a baby, before the baby we wasnt in a good place. Sex has never been my partners strong point. He doesnt know how to make me finish or instigate it. It always feels very one sided. Now that our baby is nearly 1 I feel like I should be getting some form of resemblance to my old sex drive back but there is just nothing.

When my dp does try to kiss me I just start laughing which I feel bad for or I cringe because I know he wants sex and its like a switch happens. I instantly feel like in my head "okay here we go I need to get into the mood" and the pressure instantly kills it for me. There is just no chemistry there. The only time we have sex is if when I'm rarely in the mood which is mostly nearing my period and even then the sex feels bland because I know I'm just doing It as I'm hormonally driven and not because I want to do it with him if that makes sense.

Were both in our early twenties and I feel like we should still be having a happy active sex life . At first I thought I was because I'm breastfeeding, or because we havent really had a consistent sex life for two years as I didnt want sex when I was pregnant and in alot of discomfort. But the other day I went out and had a couple drinks and there was a worker there that wasnt even my type but I thought I'd quite happily rip his clothes off. Then I sobered up and came home and my partner tried to kiss me and I was completely not in the mood.

Help! Is it me? Are we in a rut? Is it the breastfeeding or the baby or lack of sex as a whole that has put me off or is just us and the way I feel towards him. I do think he is good looking, and when we arent in the bedroom I am more attracted to him. But when it comes to actually having sex I just completely turn off. What's wrong with me?

OP posts:
Morningsaregreat · 18/10/2021 13:45

Quite a number of people on MN say they have lost their libido etc. Listening to Emily Nagoski she explains quite clearly that it is generally not a loss or lowering of libido/desire it is just 'crap sex'. She explains that if sex is not great then why would you want it. This has nothing whatsoever to do with desire, which is usually still there and healthy, and clearly is in your case.

There is nothing at all wrong with you its just you don't want to do something that is not enjoyable and why would you?

The solution is to speak to your DP and see if he can become better educated regarding the female body. Explaining clearly what you like and don't like will help him.

Good luck

Salayes · 18/10/2021 14:15

I tend to agree with the above poster tbh. I’ve never lost desire for anyone i’ve been with where we were sexually compatible and they were a good lover.

In your case it seems like it’s never been great - if he doesn’t know how to please you is this because he never bothered to ask, you never bothered to show him, or you’ve tried to tell him and got nowhere?

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