Is it me?

[babyonboard123]

Hello,

I'm a long time lurker of these boards hence my user name being very old. I've never posted before but I just really need to talk.

I have been with my P for approximately 15 years. Never married but we have 3 young children together.

I can remember a few instances over the years, which now I would probably consider red flags, but at the time could be explained away by stress, new babies etc etc.

This particular evening, which I'll tell you about, just has my head in a spin. I think I know I wasn't out of line but then I just doubt myself.

I rang my P a couple of days ago from work. He sounded a bit stressed and said he and the children were spending time with his mum. They often do this when I'm at work and he finds her quite demanding. I tried to make a joke and cheer him a little but he became quite rude. I was, admittedly, annoyed about this.

I arrived home later that day and they had been waiting for me to get back before they ate. P was busy with one of his interests so I ended up making us all food. I had been out of the house for 11 hours at this point.

To elaborate, he always has a new interest that he will obsess over until the next one comes along. When he's in that space it's almost impossible to get him to do anything else. I work part time, but long shifts, and do everything around the house and for the children.

A couple of hours later we took the children upstairs for bedtime as they were all obviously tired and overwrought. I will say at this point he doesn't often join us straight away and will busy himself downstairs for a while before coming up and showering on his own. One of the DC's was playing up and as I'm trying to shower him P starts to say, "Do you know how horrible I can make your life when your mum isn't here? Do you know how mean I can be to you?" I immediately said to the DC that dad wouldn't do anything of the sort and we carried on. At this point our older DC gets in the shower and P immediately starts lecturing about the amount of time she spends in there. DC gets upset as she's trying to wash her hair and he's not listening when she speaks so she shouts at him and he does the same back. P then turns the shower off while she's standing under it which makes her cry harder. I turn it back on and encourage her to finish. P starts talking about gas prices, ends up shouting and turns it off again. The shower goes back on again and DC is sobbing for me not to leave the bathroom. During this one of the younger children comes in the bathroom and P roars at him to get out. I go to check on him and P comes out and demands that I get back in there and sort out our daughter. I'm telling him calmly he needs to go downstairs and he stomps off swearing in front of the younger two. So I'm left with all DC in various states of upset trying to finish bathing them all, get them ready for bed and settle them. He never came back. He never does. The DC just got cuddled and talked to by me while he sat downstairs.

I went down and said quite firmly that I was done with him treating me and the children like this. I'm sick of the children being shouted at and I'm absolutely sick of trying to resolve situations he has created. From his perspective, I don't back him up. He thinks this is where the problem lies and that if I just backed him up he wouldn't need to shout. I explained that I will never back him up while he was behaving like he did that night. I feel like he's saying he wants to be able to shout and then for me to tell him and the children that it's ok? He never actually sees that he has an issue with his temper or how it affects other people.

I have said all I want is for him to be nice to me and the children. I don't think I'm asking the world?!?

The conversation ended with him looking sorry for himself and uttering "I can never do anything right." I immediately told him to stop and that I had let him do that for too many years. He just smirked at me and left the room.

This is a common thing where I will speak to him about something and he will take a victim stance. There have been occasions in the past where these kind of conversations have lead to a complete breakdown (on his part) where he starts questioning whether he is loved/ fancied/ liked etc etc. Last night he was restless and got up and down out of bed. He looks very tired and sad today and this is how it usually starts. I'm probably in for a rollercoaster of a few weeks and I'm just so very tired.

I'm going to stand my ground that we don't deserve to be treated that way and I can only hope he comes to the same realisation himself.

It’s easy to go down the abuser route however I’m going to play devils advocate here and say what I think your dp would say:

I think he doesn’t know how family life is supposed to be as you said his mum was hard work and stressful. This could mean his childhood was in an abusive relationship.

He feels left out of family life as you seem to do everything so much better than him. Every time he tries to do something, it’s wrong. He feels left out and not part of family life. For example, dc was playing up and you were having a hard time bathing then so he thought he would help you by threatening dc (as that’s probably what his dad did or perhaps his mum did) to get them to behave so you would see he could do something right. That backfired and you were angry and all he wanted to do was help.

He also worries about bills as he’s the main breadwinner and gas prices are rising. As you don’t work full time he feels responsible for finances. He’s worried for the future.

He gets depressed because he is so useless as a dad and partner so he tries to bury himself in his hobbies. He didn’t make dinner for the kids as you do that and there’s no point in him trying because whatever he cooked would be the wrong thing. So he gave up locked himself away with his hobbies. He’d be annoyed you’d be so late as they all needed feeding. That’s your job and he doesn’t want to step on your toes or be shouted at for making the wrong thing.

Sometimes he gets sad because his life seems worthless and nobody loves him, not his wife, not his mother, and not even the kids - who barely know him and are a bit scared.

His partner seems to make up with him and he needs sex to feel the closeness but she wasn’t interested as she clearly no longer loves him. So he went away as nobody cares.
————

Or he could be a bad bastard. Who knows. But it’s easy for us to jump on the Abuser bandwagon because we aren’t there to witness things.

The two of you really need to talk. Properly. Away from dc. And you both need to listen. Individual counselling would help. Perhaps a few joint sessions would be recommended.

He needs to pull his weight and apparently doesn’t know how. You don’t listen to each other. You just make all the decisions. It should be joint.

Or if you’ve had enough then it’s time to go. However because you are unmarried you will not get as much in the split as you would if married. But sometimes it’s better to just go. It depends. He doesn’t seem abusive to me. Just ground down.

By life I mean. And has given up trying to better himself.

@ZestyMaximus I agree.

The most shocking part is that he had the audacity to say do you know how hard I can make your life when your mums not here.

Sorry OP but I would of throw him out from that point too far. Have you spoken to your child about this to see if he has done anything like this when your not around?

Is the house his?

@Elieza

It’s easy to go down the abuser route however I’m going to play devils advocate here and say what I think your dp would say:

I think he doesn’t know how family life is supposed to be as you said his mum was hard work and stressful. This could mean his childhood was in an abusive relationship.

He feels left out of family life as you seem to do everything so much better than him. Every time he tries to do something, it’s wrong. He feels left out and not part of family life. For example, dc was playing up and you were having a hard time bathing then so he thought he would help you by threatening dc (as that’s probably what his dad did or perhaps his mum did) to get them to behave so you would see he could do something right. That backfired and you were angry and all he wanted to do was help.

He also worries about bills as he’s the main breadwinner and gas prices are rising. As you don’t work full time he feels responsible for finances. He’s worried for the future.

He gets depressed because he is so useless as a dad and partner so he tries to bury himself in his hobbies. He didn’t make dinner for the kids as you do that and there’s no point in him trying because whatever he cooked would be the wrong thing. So he gave up locked himself away with his hobbies. He’d be annoyed you’d be so late as they all needed feeding. That’s your job and he doesn’t want to step on your toes or be shouted at for making the wrong thing.

Sometimes he gets sad because his life seems worthless and nobody loves him, not his wife, not his mother, and not even the kids - who barely know him and are a bit scared.

His partner seems to make up with him and he needs sex to feel the closeness but she wasn’t interested as she clearly no longer loves him. So he went away as nobody cares.
————

Or he could be a bad bastard. Who knows. But it’s easy for us to jump on the Abuser bandwagon because we aren’t there to witness things.

The two of you really need to talk. Properly. Away from dc. And you both need to listen. Individual counselling would help. Perhaps a few joint sessions would be recommended.

He needs to pull his weight and apparently doesn’t know how. You don’t listen to each other. You just make all the decisions. It should be joint.

Or if you’ve had enough then it’s time to go. However because you are unmarried you will not get as much in the split as you would if married. But sometimes it’s better to just go. It depends. He doesn’t seem abusive to me. Just ground down.

Ground down? I'm sorry but the line he said to his DD is bang out of order. Single parents get ground down me included but that IS NO EXCUSE to take his frustration out on the kids. It's not unusual for OP to work part time if she has 3 kids.

OPS partner is an adult and should take responsibility. He would be out of my house I couldn't care less about the money.

I agree Alwayswanted, he should NOT have done that. AT ALL. It was completely out or order and uncalled for.

But if he doesn’t understand how he is supposed to act around children and came from an abusive household himself it may explain why it happened. He meant well. It doesn’t excuse his bullying arsehole behaviour though. Which must stop now.

Yeah that one off occurrence may be enough for the OP to leave.

@Elieza I had to go back and read OP again. It was OP that came from dysfunction not her OH.

Turning the shower off is not acceptable this isn't an off day or loosing your rag because it was OP who was doing the bedtime and organising it ALL. So I'm not sure how you have made your own theory up.... if he was doing the bedtime routine you could argue he was stressed but that was not the case on this occasion.... he even order OP to get back in the bathroom.

Don't give OP sh*t advise.

I hope OP has her contraception sorted for her own sake. Her OH needs to go to the GP a d sort himself out.

He should not have agreed to have 2 more kids after the first if he feels unable to cope. Poor kids.

@Alwayswantedasmegf

With regard to the partner here is an excerpt from the first post the OP made: “ He sounded a bit stressed and said he and the children were spending time with his mum. They often do this when I'm at work and he finds her quite demanding. ”

She may have been demanding and difficult to the point of abuse all her life. We just don’t know. Im playing devils advocate because there are two sides to every story.

We know there has been the odd red flag over the years but not on a regular basis.

What parent has not lost their temper with a child at one point after a difficult day? Im not saying he was right, absolutely not, as I explained, only that it happens.

Many people chose to tear the offender a new one at the time but remain with him as he knows to never ever to such a thing again.

As for telling me not to give advice, no I don’t think so!! The whole point of this forum is that all polite and respectful advice is welcome as it provides a number of options for the OP to consider.

@Elieza we all have lost our rags. But turning a shower off... is impersonal when someone is naked come on.

It's cruel. There is a difference between shouting at your child and then stating you can make your own child's life he'll with all due respect to you.

Hell**

If you stay with him, then imo you're just as bad and also an abusive parent.
You heard his threats to your child, you've seen his actions. Anything after this makes you complicit.

When you gave him the day to do his hobby, then came home with the children, he hadn't made dinner or tidied up. He's not on your team, OP.

Ask him to leave.

Is he using drugs?

The anger and the manipulation/threats and the fidgeting and self pity are making me think that it's a possibility his pathetic sobbing and Woe is Me is a comedown.

He sounds vile. He is abusive. I couldn't stay with him after he'd threatened the children. I couldn't ever respect him again. And how could you be intimate with someone who is so vile, and threatened your children??