I’ve realised I still love my ex but I’m in a new relationship

[Youareok1]

My ex husband left me very suddenly 2 years ago, he had met someone else. It was totally devastating.
I thought I had moved on a lot from the hurt and pain and I met a new man about a year ago. He’s really lovely and I enjoy spending time with him, I have some doubts about our long term future in that I can’t imagine ever committing to someone fully again for fear of gettting hurt.
I realised this past weekend that the ‘hurt’ as I’ve thought it was is actually me still being in love with my ex husband. I think I pushed it down so much but sometimes if comes back up. I gues what triggered it was our sons parent teacher meeting and we were both there. I find it very hard to be around my ex because it makes me feel so sad and gets me down for a good few days afterwards. I had the realisation today that I do still love him and I’m not sure I can fully commit to anyone else until I work through this.
I feel awful that I hadn’t figured this out before, I knew I had some doubts about new relationship but I also knew I enjoyed his company so I focussed on that.
There is no chance of a reconciliation between me and my ex husband and that is not what I would even want but I know I have unresolved issues that are maybe holding me back.
Is the only fair thing to do to break up?

Feel for you - did you meet your new partner quite quickly after your husband left or did you have some time on your own? When you meet someone else it is hard not to compare and you have so much history, memories and a child with your ex which will always keep you cnnected to him so it is hard to move on because you cannot cut all ties.
Just be true to yourself and your feelings - perhaps you need some space and time on your own,

It was about 10 months after. I genuinely thought I was ready to move on or I wouldn’t have. After the initial few months of excitement I started to have some doubts about whether I was ready for a relationship and I did speak to him about it and said I maybe entered into a relationship thinking I was ready but the reality was I just wasn’t. But I thought it was that holding me back. But honestly after a weekend of crying over my ex husband (pathetic I know) I realised this morning I still love him.
I know people maybe say just enjoy my time with my new man but he is quite serious about us and while I have spoke to him about where my heads at I’ve never really spoke about my ex. I would hate to be in his position

It's easy to romanticize, You need to move on & forget the "love" lost.
He left you, so I think you are dwelling on the good bits. It will only bring suffering

Thanks for your replies.
I don’t think I’m romanticising it- I really don’t want to feel like this and wish I was fully over it. It’s a horrible feeling but it’s the reality of where I’m at. If I had a magic wand I would make me feel differently.
He treated me awfully and I know that rationally and I would rather have nothing to do with him

Do you love the new man too? Or do you just enjoy his company?

Would it massively hurt you to end things or do you think it'd be fairly easy to let him go?

I think it's actually really positive that you have become aware of your emotions and why you feel the way you do. I understand it's not that you want to reconcile so you will need the time and space to be able to process, grieve and heal from the end of your marriage and losing someone you love and will always be connected to you via your son. This is a lot! It's also really important for you to do this for yourself, your son and any relationship you have. We all want to be ready to move on from a heartbreak and sometimes it takes a lot longer than we think or want.

I really think you should talk more to your new man about this. You need to be honest and share what you feel you need to do. It maybe difficult for him to let you go but in all fairness that's probably going to be the best for everyone. I would hate to be in his position too but because I care, I would want the best for the other person, be grateful and feel respected if I was told the truth.

I do actually love him too but not in the way I ever felt for my ex husband. I’m not sure my heart will let me go there at the minute.
I would be sad to not see him and I worry I would feel lonely especially when my children are with my ex husband. But the aye not a good reason to stay either.
I don’t see a long term future with this new man, but I’m honestly not sure if it’s him or still me holding myself back.
I feel like now I’ve had this realisation I can’t ignore it, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was still in love with their ex.
I have been clear with him from the start that I don’t want to live with another man, not looking for a step parent etc. But deep down I think long term that is what I would want. But I’ve just not healed enough yet to even contemplate that

@Youareok1 you are very aware of your feelings and very fair with your approach to this.

You know what you want from a relationship and know you won't get it with this man.

I hope you find someone who can make you really happy when you're ready

I’d go for counselling personally to work through all these emotions

I did some counselling and felt it helped. But that was at the time of the separation where I hadn’t even considered meeting someone else. I will look into it again

Your ex husband betrayed you in an awful way. At risk of sounding harsh, (I don't mean to), it doesn't matter whether you still love him. He cheated on you and there's no hope of reconciliation. It's over. The past. If you need time to get over it, you need time to get over it. It's not going to happen any faster if you dump this new guy. If anything, it will probably take a lot longer to get over your ex if you dump your new partner, if you do genuinely love this new guy like you have said.

In my opinion, if you want to give it a shot with this guy then do. Only end it with him if you don't like him. Ignore your potential feelings for your ex and judge your new partner exactly for who he is and how your relationship is and how you feel when you're around him. Your feelings for your ex will fade with time, regardless of whether you are happily in a relationship with this new guy, or you dump him and are single.

I personally wouldn't risk feeling sad about loving my ex AND feeling sad about loving this new guy who I dumped too. Just take it slowly and see how it goes.

I would say your not ready or really in the place to have a relationship with anyone.
It's just not fair on them to be loving and thinking about someone else whilst your with them. No one wants to be thought of as 'second best'. Put yourself in the new guys position and imagine him lamenting over his ex whist cuddling you!
Hopefully a time will come when your ready to with the person your with but it certainly doesn't sound like it at present.
Be kind and let this guy go, hopefully he can find someone that wants just him.

You don’t see a long term future with this man. That’s all you need to know. It’s only fair to finish with him so you can both move on.

I think you are trying too hard to be a martyr on account of your new guy. But you have made it clear to him that you don't want to live with a man again, so he is already aware there are limits to the relationship and he's still hanging in here. You have not mislead him, at the moment you don't see him as long term, but is that down to who he is, or would you feel that about anyone right now?
You have time, us it, carry on as you are if you are enjoying your time with him. If he pushes for moving in in the future and it's still a no from you, then you could end things, or if you get to a point you feel over your ex, and ready to commit but not to him, end it then. However, you may get to a point where you feel over your ex and ready for more with your current fella. Basically time will tell, I don't think you should rush to end things meantime, as it's true that it will be harder to get over your ex while on your own.

I think it is okay to grieve the ending of your marriage and understandable that it comes some time after it actually ended. You were probably in shock for a while. I don’t think you need to rush to break up with your new man, though - you are basically comparing feelings in a relatively new relationship with feelings over a marriage, so they are not going to be the same. You have been honest with new guy about where you are and are not rushing into anything, which is sensible. It also sounds like you do have feelings for new guy, it is just this realisation that emotionally, you have not resolved what happened in your marriage. What if you never do and it is just something you have to learn to live with?

Plus if you finish with new guy, does that not just give you two losses to work through?

I do think further counselling is a good idea, though.

[Disclaimer: I speak as someone who has been single for eight years after my marriage ended, so that is why I caution against ending it with new guy. Feelings after a marriage ends are difficult to resolve. They don’t get easier when you are on your own]