17yo lack of empathy.

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I worked 65 hours over the last seven days, I usually work 50. I’m pretty burnt out.

DD burst into my room at 7am to ask what time I am working today (2pm) and can I drive her to college. It’s a half an hour round trip. She has a bus pass we pay for.

It descended into a huge row where she called me lazy and selfish.

This is a common theme. I can’t seem to make her understand that she’s out of order at all. Either for waking me up or for expecting a lift. Her logic is I would have been getting up soon anyway (school run for the youngest, dogs to be walked) and that I have the time to drive her as I don’t need to be in work until this afternoon. My logic is that extra half an hour sleep was precious, and I’m working until midnight so plan to go back to bed after the school run.

She met me as I was coming back with the dogs and said well you’re up now so you may as well drive me. I said no, again, and she screamed at me that I’ve made her late for college by arguing with her.

It’s just never ending at the moment and no matter what I say she genuinely thinks my time is hers and I should be ferrying her around because I can.

How can help her to develop some kind of empathy? She came a did six hours woke for me at the weekend (glass collecting to earn some cash) and was so tired, I thought that might help her see it. But no. She’s now more tired than I am because apparently I’m used to it and she’s not.

I’m so broken with her at the moment and I need help.

Sorry for typos, as mentioned I’m a tad tired right now.

She's a teenager. Some have it, many do not. It will develop with age.

How is she with her friends?
I find Mum is the last person they develop empathy for, but it will come.

Yes, I'd put it down to being a teenager. But also, do you often say "no" to her? If she's used to getting what she wants most of the time, it'll be a shock to her to have you refuse. Children need to be brought up understanding their parents are human beings too with needs and wants of their own - if you have younger ones, I'd try to instill that into them as soon as you can.

She's a teenager, her brain just isn't developed fully yet. In the same way you couldn t be annoyed that she may not have reached her full height as yet try not to be annoyed that she hasn't reached full emotional maturity either. Grit your teeth and go back to bed.

I say to no to her more often than not, she only ever talks to me when she wants money or a lift. It’s a common theme.

I really disagree with the she’s a teenager comments. My mum and I got on wonderfully when I was a teenager and I wouldn’t have treated her like your daughter. I do remember complaining to my dad after doing a 4 hour cafe shift (10-2) at about 16 and he just gave me a knowing look. Was enough that I didn’t do it again.

Stay firm; stop trying to change her and just be kind to yourself. Repeat “I do enough, I am enough” internally whenever you feel yourself weakening.

She sounds like a normal selfish teenager to me. I was hideous at that age - rude and ungrateful and didn’t see ‘adults’ as ‘real people with needs’, just people there to do things for me :/ makes me cringe now

I outgrew it when I started working and realised how hard adult life is

Stand firm, state your position and then grey rock her - ‘I’m not arguing with you about this’ and walk off. It’ll pass.

"In the same way you couldn t be annoyed that she may not have reached her full height as yet try not to be annoyed that she hasn't reached full emotional maturity either."

Totally this! I'm not saying I would be hugely patient in your shoes but this is what I would tell myself and I firmly believe it to be true.

Also I'd class it less as a lack of empathy, and more as impulsiveness. Jumping into a situation without considering the circumstances.

Its an egocentric developmental stage, some people won't go through it (pointless saying not all teens are like this, we have differences) but some will have little capacity for empathy at this age. Just hold the boundaries, say no of course not, let her rage, tell her 'that makes me feel xyz' factually because she can't read your body language, or 'that means I am cross with you and that I won't take you the next two times either'. That's how empathy develops. She will probably be wonderful in her late twenties.

I disagree with she's a teenager what do you expect type attitude.
At 16 I was living alone, getting myself to school and college as well as managing my home. Cannot imagine having that sort of attitude at 17.

She is very nearly an adult and needs to have more self responsibility. She made herself late for college by not accepting no as an answer, by demanding and being rude to the woman who raised her.

I'd have a chat to her about what your expectations are. If she wants money, she can get a part time job. If she wants a lift, it will be in plenty of notice and no gaurentee you will give her one. Not just demand one then start pointing fingers...

It's totally meaningless to compare your DD with other kids of the same age, as we all develop at different rates.

So just because you may have been quite 'emotionally mature' at 16/17, doesn't mean that everyone should !

Your DD will develop maturity and empathy (but no-one can tell you when or how much ) at her own rate.

You are totally right to tell her 'no' when she's asking you to do stuff for her when she can do it herself. So keep challenging her idea that you exist to make her life 'easier', regardless of how much it seems like 'pushing water uphill', because she needs to be told that you are also entitled to feel 'tired' etc, not just her !

Lol just dropped my 17 year old DS at college ( he can walk it in 25 mins) despite being knackered as been working nights and not switched back yet fully, largely due to staying awake after shift on Saturday till 1pm so I could drive him a 60 mile round trip to football match - tbf, watching him play is the highlight of my week. The things we do for love. I did cut him off mid sentence to not block traffic as the traffic lights changed to green after drop-off - was also a handy way of dealing with his "can you pick me up after the lesson" - er, no ( I'm expecting a text later, but he can walk back). Too many gaps in his timetable.
If it suits me I'll do it, needed incentive today to get up early as awake till 3am last night but can't sleep in as switching to day shifts soon anyway.
Now and then I let him know how good he's got it as I never got lifts to school or college and had to walk further

I think the "she's a teenager" comments are generally just an excuse, tbh.

I would just come down on her harder when she starts shouting at you with that appalling attitude. Don't argue with her, just start implementing consequences if she doesn't address her tone. It's not on.

Have you ever pointed out to her she talks to you like shit? I ended up telling my daughter I wasn't doing it before you spoke to me like shit I'm really not going to change my mind now am I? She cried 😭 I said your good at that (she can cry on demand) well done now pull yourself together and crack on

Argh I had this with my eldest. I work mostly from home so they think that I am available for everything. My eldest used to get angry if I didn't give him lifts when he wanted because it was just 10 mins. But actually there and back is 30 mins and as I had to do the youngest school runs meant that instead of 30 mins (to do the school runs I had to do) , it meant missing closer to 2 hours of work because of disruptions. He wouldnt wait until I was picking the kids up and could drop him off so would get angry.

We then fell out because of home coming home in the middle of the night and me being worried so get moved to his father's.

Now we get on brilliantly. He is respectful and appreciative. His father charges him rent and doesn't shop or cook.

My other kids, although lazy, don't get annoyed if I can't do something for them. They still ask but are fine if I say I can't.

They're all good kids, just hormones hit people differently.

@Glassofshloer

She sounds like a normal selfish teenager to me. I was hideous at that age - rude and ungrateful and didn’t see ‘adults’ as ‘real people with needs’, just people there to do things for me :/ makes me cringe now

I outgrew it when I started working and realised how hard adult life is

Stand firm, state your position and then grey rock her - ‘I’m not arguing with you about this’ and walk off. It’ll pass.

Oh me too @Glassofshloer. When I think back now I can’t believe how selfish I was! I’d ask for a lift to my friends so I didn’t have to get the bus and when my mum said no she was tired, I’d say “well all you need to do is sit still in a car and press the pedals. What’s hard about that?” I don’t think I saw my parents as people. I had a lot of anger at them due to other issues though. I do wonder if I’d have been the same if I didn’t have this resentment.

We call it frontal lobe failure, the part of the brain that considers other people’s feelings is not big enough to override the me,me,me part.
There are a fair few adults whose frontal lobe is stunted as well.

Thanks all. I’ve managed to get some more sleep this morning. It is just pure teenage selfishness I think, it just worries me that she doesn’t seem to get it.

I did laugh at the comment about just having to sit there and press the pedals because she has said exactly that before.