What level of engagement / attention do you expect

[bagocats]

As a relatively new girlfriend , even if in my 40's(!) when at his family's get togethers?
Think 40 people. Together a year.

Anyone. Asking without giving information to gauge what's generally acceptable, please.

I'm not entirely sure what you're asking.

I'd expect him not to ignore you, but I'd be prepared to not be the centre of his attention if he's catching up with relatives he hasn't seen in a year.

Attention from who? Him? Or his family?

Him

I guess it's been us on our own for the last year and now we can socialisewith lots of
People, I'm
Wondering what level of interaction over the course of an evening would be acceptable When surrounded by 40 family.

I'd be expecting him to introduce me to people, sit with me for parts of the night and check in regularly.

Id just expect checking in every now and then

If he's with 40 family members he hasn't seen for a while I wouldn't expect much. My DH had to come in to a few big occasions in his first couple of years with me. Introductions and a few check ins. Wouldn't stay by his side all night .

I'd expect him to make sure I knew where the bathroom and drinks were and spend about half his time with me and half with his family - less with me if he could see I was getting on with someone.

Check if you need a drink when he's getting one, introduce you to people, same as @Griefmonster above. Unless you have known anxieties about this?

I think it would depend on how socially confident you were. If you were shy or socially awkward,I’d expect a bit more input and hand-holding, but otherwise, I’d expect general introductions and periodic checking to see you were having a good time.

That's what I got.. A few check ins and a quick chat and he brought me food and drinks over the course of a few hours.
Guess I'm just going to have to get used to this new normal!!
I've met his family so had no problem chatting away,,, they are all so lovely and welcoming. He was kind of the main host too so perhaps I am being a bit precious. We are used to being each other's entire other due to covid restrictions over the last year.

Are you looking for external guidance to tell you if what you think is 'right'? There is no 'right'. Some people would be happy to spend the entire evening talking to his family without him; some would want him to be by their side the whole time.

There is no 'right' level. If you feel he neglected you, that's because he either didn't know or didn't respond to your level of need. It's a compatibility thing. If you don't like how he did it, tell him, so that he's got the information he needs to make a decision to do things differently next time. And then if he doesn't, you've got every reason to poke him in the eye.

No I'm very chatty and outgoing and have met many members of the family before.

@TheFoundations 🤣thanks !

So what do you expect? Not to leave each others sides? Being someone's 'entire other' sounds intensive.

Yes it has been due to bubbling up since the beginning of the relationship. We are only now going to parties and occasions together.

You're not being precious; you're having your own wants, needs, requirements. Your partner needs to accept those and respect them, or you need to respect that you have differing requirements on this, and let it go. None of that requires you being 'too x' or him being 'too y'. You are both being yourselves. You are both right, and you are different.

Referring to yourself as 'precious' hints at feeling you're doing/feeling something wrongly: you're not. You're being the exact right amount of precious for you.

Ideally I'd not have had to go, but having gone, that seems reasonable.

If you’ve met his family and get on with them I’m not seeing the problem - even if you hadn’t met them before I’d expect him to do a few introductions and check in with a quick chat periodically over the evening, and for you to mingle and make conversation yourself. It sounds like this is what happened. Did you want him glued to your side? I don’t think that’s a reasonable or healthy expectation

@bagocats

That's what I got.. A few check ins and a quick chat and he brought me food and drinks over the course of a few hours. Guess I'm just going to have to get used to this new normal!! I've met his family so had no problem chatting away,,, they are all so lovely and welcoming. He was kind of the main host too so perhaps I am being a bit precious. We are used to being each other's entire other due to covid restrictions over the last year.

Sounds perfectly fine to me.

I think what you got sounds "normal".

I would have personally struggled but I have social anxiety. You sound braver than me!

If he was the / a main host and you see yourself as his partner, then this is the next stage of your relationship. You're supporting him as he does social stuff that's important to him. I would have turned it round in my head, in your position, and thought "What is expected of me at a gathering where my partner has family obligations?" I'd have talked, introduced myself, maybe even kept an eye out to see if he needed any admin help. I would expect chats, introductions and some food.

I'd have expected a brief rundown of who was who before the event, a few key introductions and then to be left to crack on with socialising. I'd have also expected him to keep an eye on me to check I wasn't awkwardly by myself and to make another introduction if so. You say you were happily chatting away so it doesn't seem like you were in need of that.

At big social events DP and I tend to gravitate away from each other. We see each other all the time, they're opportunities to talk to other people!