Is there any coming back from a sexless marriage?

[L0stinCyberspace]

DH and I have not had sex in 18 months. I caught him commenting on Reddit porn 12 months ago, comments and chat with the women posting the porn. We also had had a mostly sexless marriage for the prior 6 years. Married 15, together 21 years.
He was diagnosed with depression a year ago and has been on meds and getting counselling but I see no evidence of any great desire for me, or increased emotional sharing. It's as if TV together and hugs is enough for him. It's not enough for me.

U can read my other posts but this is the summary. We are now in couples counselling. DH has said he's made a massive mistake but he's so sorry and "will do anything to keep us together".

I'm feeling a huge disconnect. I am less angry with him, but now I just can't imagine kissing him again. I feel the years of no connection, although I do love him.

Is it possible to reconnect? Should I be even thinking about it. Terribly confused and upset.

What's the rest of your relationship like?

@category12 amicable but I feel like I carry conversations a lot. He doesn't share much, it all feels very flat and we don't laugh much anymore.
He is emotionally supportive of me and carries his weight in the house, is a good Dad. But he stopped "reciprocating" sexually totally 7 years ago, even on the very few occasions that we had sex, maybe 10 times.

There wasn’t any come back for me. My time frames were much the same as yours. I was convinced that his mental health was the problem but in reality being in an unconnected marriage was the biggest issue. We tried counselling but really things had run there course. I didn’t realise how debilitating it was being with someone who didn’t really even want to kiss me. Eventually we broke up and I didn’t know how much happier I could be. We always seemed to get on well and he was a good dad but really we had grown apart. I’m now with someone who lights me up. It took a while to get there and it was only not needing someone that meant I found someone I wanted. The sex is amazing but so is being in a grown up, emotionally connected relationship. How old are your children? It was my kids that kept me there as long as I was-and the fear of being out of my safe space. Lots of love OP you’re not the only one going through this x

Hi @Unfortunatevents how did your kids fare in the breakup? I like the story of your newfound happiness! In my own life I am struggling with the 'what about the kids' question

@Unfortunatevents I'm sorry u went through this but it is so good that you found happiness.

Did your DH recognise things had run their course? I'm afraid mine never will. He's in complete denial.

DS is 13. We would unfortunately have to house share even if we separate as we don't have enough to buy separately.

Truthfully it was the worst thing having to tell the kids, it’s pretty high up on the list of things you never want to tell them. Mine were 8 and 5. The 8 year old found it hardest. They’ve adapted and I would say I’m closer to them now and we have a much more open and honest relationship with lots of understanding of emotions and feelings than before. I am a more connected and confident person because of it. But, they still say that they wish me and their dad were together and I know they’d love that to be the case although it never will be. Just to point out that I have had individual therapy throughout this and I think it’s been my saviour. It’s the kindest thing you can do for yourself if you’re able to xx

Thank you @Unfortunatevents.

How did you get your DH to accept your marriage was burnt out?

Yes you can come back from it if you both want to.

I would question why he was on porn on Reddit if a relationship without sex was enough for him. It seems like he wants more. You are probably covering that in counselling.

Yes its possible with open and honest communication. No its not possible without it. You both may find that being honest with yourself and the other person is one of the most difficult things you will ever do and for many its just not possible. Good luck OP

It wasn’t possible for me to come back from my 20, yes 20, years of a sexless marriage and I finally ended our relationship 2 months ago.

My husband is devastated apparently. I say apparently because for big chunks of our marriage he has hardly touched me and has physically flinched when I have touched him in almost any way.

I am, of course, emotional, because we have been together for 28 years, and we have had some fun times, two fabulous grownup children who he seemingly has no problem with hugging, he has been a wonderful father.

I feel so much lighter and happier, despite not knowing how I get through the next bit of life, separation? Divorce? Financially I am going to have an austere retirement. I cannot imagine being in a relationship with anyone else. The 20 years of physical rejection mean that I simply wouldn’t know what to do anymore. It is totally soul destroying.

I would say get out whilst you can. I absolutely wish I had done this years ago, when I had time on my side, not for another relationship but retraining, saving, getting my life in order. Only someone who has been through this can have any idea just how lonely it is to be lonely within a marriage.

Sorry to have hijacked your thread OP. I should have started a thread of my own, but it has been cathartic to type this out.

@TheAverageUser I think it was because he became intimidated by my growing confidence, over time. The more confident I became the more he pulled away. Our counsellor is exploring this, but he denies that he felt this way.

@Morningsaregreat what I'm struggling with is that after 7 long years of this, I no longer feel attracted to DH, but now he said he "is prepared to do anything" to keep us together.

@Doyouthinkeirsaurus oh that is such a long, long time for you to be treated that way, I'm sorry. You aren't hijacking the thread. My DH liked hugs but was otherwise emotionally and physically distant.