Need some gentle support

[Northerlass87]

I’ve been a sexless relationship for a while, more than a year. It was fine for me, as I’ve never had that much of a high libido. My partner went off my body as I put on weight. He’s been making attempts to try again and reassure me lately but I’ve not been interested as I don’t feel confident in myself and my attraction to him has waned. I still find him very handsome and attractive. I’m sure we could get it back if we put more effort in.

Lately we have been having fewer disagreements and I feel like we’ve been becoming closer. I thought maybe we could try again.

We went out and he offered to pay for something and in his wallet I saw a wrapped condom. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it in there, not for a long time, eg, maybe in the beginning when we first met and were dating.

My mood instantly changed and I think he clocked what I saw. I could just sense it. I didn’t say anything and kept quiet, and he was chattier, I could just sense he knew what I saw and he was feeling guilty or trying to reassure me. He hugged me more and squeezed me and was trying hard to fill the silences with chat.

To be honest, it’s been such a long time, if he wanted a shag elsewhere, I would understand it. I’m so sad about what it means for us as I do care about him. I can’t bring myself to ask him about what I saw, but it can only mean one thing right?

I hope he doesn’t bring it up. I don’t have the energy to talk about it. Am feeling very down about other things in my life so just want to forget about this now but I know things can’t continue like this.

Hi OP, hope you're okay! You say he's been making attempts recently, you've been feeling closer and you thought maybe you could try again - perhaps he's read the same signals and is hoping for that too! He might just be embarrassed you've seen it, and didn't want to be seen as pushy? Or perhaps he feels embarrassed because it's been so long that he doesn't want to presume, and after seeing your look at it thinks he's got it all wrong? If he was out dillying about, I wouldn't think he would be so obvious as to do that. I hope you manage to find a way to bring it up and reassure yourself!

Someone has condoms if they're planning to get laid.

They're not an impulse purchase. Sorry.

I think you need to have a conversation, tell him that you saw a condom. Sorry but it looks like he is looking for sex elsewhere if you don’t normally use condoms.

If you both use condoms anyway, perhaps it was in there just in case you had a “moment” outside the bedroom where he hoped passion might have been reignited. You say you seem to be reconnecting. If you don’t use condoms then I am really sorry but they are in his wallet because he might get lucky somehow, somewhere with someone he is either already in contact with or chancing his luck when out with the boys. A conversation needs to be had.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I was feeling very sad, his reaction was definitely one that was guilty/worried. After I left and went home, I cried, but honestly, wouldn't blame him if he were looking elsewhere. On my return journey, I kept thinking, if only he went out and cheated - it would be easier to walk away. It's been so long, of course everyone needs intimacy, it's only natural. I miss being wanted and being desired. I know he finds me attractive, from the way he looks at me, but it's not sexual desire I don't think.

I've often wondered how, as a man, he could go for so long without, and voluntarily, but he doesn't seem to need sex in the way that others do. His ex partners always complained of lack of sex.

It's been so long, that we did use condoms in the beginning, then didn't. Would we use condoms again? I don't know.

The condom looked pretty new, ie, the edges weren't worn from being in his wallet for a long time

There are three possible options

• He's looking elsewhere
• It's an old one from before i had not seen in a while
• He was hoping that when he visited me last weekend, that we might have tried - he made a subtle suggestion I remember being surprised

We went through a phase of arguing lots, but things seem to have softened in the past few weeks. I was away with work and I think he missed me. Either that, or he's getting it elsewhere, and is feeling less frustrated as a result so less argumentative.

He works long hours, and we spend all our free time together, and he's always on the other end of the phone, so not sure when he would find the time for sex elsewhere. But when people want to cheat or have sex elsewhere, they find the time and opportunity, don't they. After all, we don't live together.

I know I should talk to him. That's what my advice would be to a friend going through similiar. But I just can't face it. I never thought I would find myself in this situation. And I don't hate him for it either. And I can't bring myself to have sex with him. I don't think this can be salvaged.

I don't understand what you hope to gain from posting op?

You are not married, do you live together?
Why do you want to stay together?

What would be the best outcome for you from this? You seem very accepting of the chance he may have cheated, or hoped to. I'm not sure if theres an element of relief that this has come to a head.

Either way, would you wish to stay in a relationship where there has been no sex for a year and arguments, now potential cheating, or at least concerns that this may have happened, if you don't live together and splitting would be relatively simple (not saying easy, it never is)?

I suppose if things have been going better recently, it looked like a new condom and you were having an evening out together, he may have been hoping sex would happen with you tonight. Not sure why his aspect would have been guilty rather than maybe a bit embarrassed though.