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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Falling out in the family

35 replies

Whatsnottolike · 17/10/2021 08:31

I’m not sure what to do. My DH has fallen out with my parents to the point where he says he won’t be in the same room as them ever again. How do you manage life in this way? I feel like he’ll resent me for seeing them with the kids and I’ll resent him if he stops us.

I’m close to my parents who have helped us loads with childcare etc. My mum is also ill at the moment and will shortly be starting cancer treatment.

I’m so angry at the timing of this disagreement but need to find a practical way of moving forward. I don’t think I’m going to change his mind (he’s really angry) and there is no love lost on either side clearly. Just me stuck in the middle!

Has anyone been in a similar situation or can give me some perspective. I feel completely lost.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 17/10/2021 20:04

Sorry, but unless your parents have done something absolutely unforgivable, and they have always been supportive of you, then I would never cut them off or go LC due to a husband refusing to be around them. Your parents will always be in your life, and will always usually have your best interests at heart. Whilst some people’s marriages last a lifetime, quite often they don’t. Don’t let him control your relationship with your family. If he wants to be no contact with them, he can, but he shouldn’t stop you and the DCs having a relationship with them.

honeylulu · 17/10/2021 22:08

Have you posted about this situation before OP? As twocultures? If I am right your parents have wronged your partner terribly and you are still not seeing that.

Cherrysoup · 17/10/2021 22:47

My ‘d’m recently came to stay. Her behaviour (she drinks) was so poor that my dh has said he doesn’t want her here again. I tried for ages to get her to realise that the M1 runs in both directions so this is quite a blow, but I support my DH 100%, I was there, she was very rude. Do you need to see his POV and be a bit more sympathetic, OP?

Natty13 · 17/10/2021 23:39

Did your wedding vows include "forsaking all others (apart from my parents)"? If I was your husband your marriage would he in serious trouble. You're supposed to be a team together, not you refereeing between him and your parents.

MsLizard · 18/10/2021 00:02

@honeylulu

Have you posted about this situation before OP? As twocultures? If I am right your parents have wronged your partner terribly and you are still not seeing that.

I remember that one too.

Original poster
Whatsnottolike · 18/10/2021 12:33

Thanks again for all your comments. I’ve not posted about this before.

We’ve gone on a holiday meant for all of us without them. I am sticking by DH and will tell them that they have brought this situation on themselves. It’s sad because the kids are so close to them but reading all the comments I realise they are too involved in our lives. They know everything and that is my fault. I need to grow up and put my family first. I feel like a complete idiot!

It was unacceptable what they said and they are deluded because they think they can just put that to one side and get on for the sake of me and the kids. My DH can’t forgive and forget and I’m not going to ask him to. I won’t cut them off but contact will be restricted.

A couple of posters asked whether his criticism was valid. I think it was although quite a contentious issue about one of my family members. But he raised it in a fair way. They just felt attacked and couldn’t have a grown up discussion.

Thank you all so much. I can’t tell you how enlightening this is. I’m upset because of the fall out but also because of my part in it.

OP posts:
PeeAche · 18/10/2021 12:53

A genuinely mature and reflective response from OP.

Please don't blame yourself too much. Family is what family is. For example, mine are a bunch of boundary-less freaks.

Have a fab holiday!xxx Thanks

billyt · 18/10/2021 14:13

@Livelovebehappy

Sorry, but unless your parents have done something absolutely unforgivable, and they have always been supportive of you, then I would never cut them off or go LC due to a husband refusing to be around them. Your parents will always be in your life, and will always usually have your best interests at heart. Whilst some people’s marriages last a lifetime, quite often they don’t. Don’t let him control your relationship with your family. If he wants to be no contact with them, he can, but he shouldn’t stop you and the DCs having a relationship with them.
Do you actually believe this?

Why would you assume that parents always have their children's best interests at heart? It is not always the case, we've seen a few examples in this very thread.

Maybe yours do, in which case you are very, very lucky.

Many parents expect their children to be there at their beck and call and to accept being crapped on.

OPs parent should only be in her life if she chooses, not them.

billy1966 · 18/10/2021 15:52

Good for you OP.

The very best of luck.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/10/2021 17:09

A thoroughly balanced response if I may say so, OP

Don't feel an idiot though; we all make mistakes, but the key is what we do afterwards to put them right (and I've no doubt your DH will appreciate the stance you're now taking)

Maybe be aware that it'll take your DPs a while to accept the new normal and that they may kick off temporarily, but in the meantime have a lovely holiday Flowers

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