Abortion regret

[Haleyyy103847]

I would be 25 weeks pregnant today, but I had an abortion.
I feel like I was backed into a corner as my partner didn’t want it. He didn’t force me, but that’s not how I want to bring another baby into the world
Now I’m incredibly anxious & probably depressed.
I haven’t felt supported since the abortion was over. Throughout the abortion process he was incredibly supportive. Which just seems manipulative now.
He is in no way a manipulative person. He just doesn’t know how to deal with my sadness, as he clearly doesn’t feel the same.
That kills me!!
Today, his daughter gave birth to a baby. He is, naturally, completely smitten.
My heart is breaking watching him fall in love with this baby.
I don’t know how to get through this. Am I being completely unreasonable expecting him to understand? What am I feeling?!

Definitely not being unreasonable at all. You feel how you feel and it makes sense that you can't watch him fall in love with a baby when h couldn't fall in love with yours. I think you need some counselling.

I had an abortion when I was 18. In my 30s now. It was a strange time. At first I remember telling my boyfriend and then thinking I'm going to do this. But then a week later I started feeling really sick and couldn't particularly hide it from my parents etc. I was working full time too. I remember my sister who was 20 at the time with a baby herself telling my parents. They decided to stop speaking with me. My dad couldn't look at me. My mum was cold and didn't care. I spent a month in bed being sick. Crying. No offer of a drink or food. Nothing. I struggled and realised nobody was talking to me about it. I felt so alone and like I had let everyone else down. So I booked an abortion. I told my mum. She didn't stop hoovering. My dad softened and offered me to keep it about a week before my abortion. I remember just feeling in this horrible emotional pain.
After the abortion I came home and my parents watched tele. I went up to bed and sobbed for hours. I felt in grief for the next week and numb. My mum's version just a few years ago was you came home like nothing had happened. Her words made Me feel absolutely sick. She had no idea and likely still has no idea how she failed me. How she let me down. How she made it all about her.

I'm so sorry you are going through it. It's one of the saddest things to go through and it takes time to most forgive yourself and accept the what ifs.

I now have 2 wonderful kids and I can't relate to my mum to this day. We speak but I don't have much closeness to her. I don't think of the abortion very often now. But a couple of years ago I started to overthink it as I agreed the hospital could use the tissue for research. I struggled to process whether I was cruel to have allowed it.

I hope you are OK.

You weren't forced into it but neither were you supported in having a baby. That's what most people want, isn' it? To have a supportive partner who wants to have a baby. It's important.

What do you think you are feeling right now OP?

I'm guessing that you are feeling confused, sad, lost, regretful and you may become resentful over time. You are probably grieving too.

Is there a huge backstory behind all of this that you haven't disclosed? I note that he's your partner, not your husband, and he already has grown up children, yet you are still in your fertile years. Is there a huge age gap between you?

You must be feeling a great loss. What was the reasons for not having the baby if you don't mind me asking.
I had an abortion years ago I was young and my partner said we could not afford to raise a child. A few years later I had a ectopic prenancy - my fallopian tube was removed and I was told I would never conceive naturally. I felt it was pay back for having an abortion. Further down the line I conceived naturally (with the same partner) and had a beautiful daughter but the guilt has never left me. I felt I had been manipulated by him to have an abortion as I did not earn enough and feel I have robbed my daughter of a brother or sister. It is stillnot easy aftre all of these years to forgive myself for what I did

I suppose a lot depends on what sort of relationship you have. If he has a grown up daughter does that mean that he doesn't want any more children in any circumstances?

How old are you and do you want a child with the right person?

It is natural that if he doesn't want a baby then he his feelings will be mainly one of relief and not sadness. Yet for you it is different and that's ok. It will be hard for him to empathise perhaps.

It sounds like it's time to talk about what you both want from this relationship.

I can sort of understand why he may not have wanted to become a grandfather and a father again at basically the same time. But with that said, he could and should be doing more to support you and understand your upset. The two are not mutually exclusive.

He 50% created the situation, and he sounds old enough to have known better. I think this shows he's not for you, and not worthy of you.
Any man who does not take responsibility for their actions and be supportive under these circumstances should become an exP immediately. Why are you still with him?

If you want children don't stay with him. It's not doing you much good to see him around a newborn grandchild either. Because of his different point of view of not wanting more children he will never understand how you are feeling.

Firstly for you
I can however understand why he wouldn’t want a baby if he is a grandparent.
But agree if you want children you need to look elsewhere

I hope you are okay OP

I think neither of you are being unreasonable. He doesn’t understand your sadness because he didn’t want to be a father again.

The timing is unfortunate but there’s a huge difference between becoming a father (again) and becoming a grandfather.

I’m sorry you are upset but the understanding you’re looking for, won’t be found in this man

Please do not be hard on yourself.
You did what you had to do, since you didn't wsant te bring a child into the world where his/her father would possibly resent him/her.
A lot of what you feel is hormonal, your body filled up with pregnancy hormones and a few weeks after the abortion these are dropping, giving you a kind of post partum depression. I don't want to say that your feelings aren't genuine, they are. But they're enhanced by hormonal upheaval.
I've been there and although my abortion was entirely my decision (various reasons) I've cried for days on end a few months later. As time goes by, you will feel more at ease, as well with your decision as with a more normal hormonal situation.
Good luck !

I’m sorry op
Please get some support. I had a termination many years ago, but I made the decision myself as the time wasn’t right and came to terms with it.