I'm really struggling with loneliness and I don't know what to do

[brennansbread]

I'm so ashamed of myself and I feel like I can't share this with anyone. I've never had a boyfriend. I haven't a clue how to get one. I have tried OLD but I just keep getting ghosted. I have tried joining clubs and force myself to go places and try and meet people, but it's only ever small talk.

I can't bring myself to tell my friends how I feel. They're all coupled up and I feel like such a failure. I've had therapy but it only made me feel even worse.

I don't know how to go on like this. I wish I didn't care but I do.

Hope you don't mind me asking, how old are you? Sounds like you are putting a LOT of pressure on yourself, and the language you have used to describe yourself is quite negative.

Maybe you need to focus on you. What makes you happy, what sort of things do you enjoy? Are the clubs/groups you have joined related to your hobbies. It sounds like you have a group of friends, how do you know you can't discuss this with them?

Also, it could be worth giving therapy/counselling another go?

I'm 'only' 32, but it's been a long time to be single. I got laughed at a lot at school and asked out as a joke etc. My confidence really did boost during my twenties but it's sliding again with the loneliness.

I've been focusing on me and I really try to make every day enjoyable. I started 2 new hobbies/ clubs recently and I like going, but it only really takes the edge off for a while. I still need to come home alone.

My friends say nice things, like they don't know why I'm single and that I just need to meet the right person.

It takes a while to get to know someone. Keep going to your clubs and doing your hobbies and get to know people. OLD is a waste of time for most people. Meeting in person allows it to happen organically.

Op, please don't think negatively of yourself. I know it is easier said than done but you need to try and put yourself out there and joining clubs is a great start. I'm sure most of us have experienced loneliness at one point or another but you just have to try and focus on the positives in your life. Start doing more things you enjoy, even if they are things you do alone, it's so important to learn to enjoy your own company. No one person can make you happy and fulfil you, it's something that has to come from the inside. You will find happiness, just really try your best to think positively rather than focusing on the negatives.

Can you get a dog? People tend to talk to dog walkers.

You will meet the right person soon!! Keep at it, keep going out and meeting people.

It’s easy sometimes when you get ‘down’ to stay home and not bother going out - you will never meet anyone at in front of the telly!

You sound lovely, you will be happy and find your special someone, just keep at it and going out!!

I only do things I enjoy, and I'm alone most of the time... it's just not enough any more.

The therapist said lots of things like that, but I don't understand what I have to be positive about any more. What do I do wrong? Why does everyone around me seem to be able to meet someone and I just scare men off?

Me too @brennansbread

It’s no comfort I know, but I totally and utterly completely get what you mean. I guess all you can do is try and date and hope something comes of it.

@Fluffycloudland77

Can you get a dog? People tend to talk to dog walkers.

That is a terrible reason for getting a dog

I'm sorry that you are lonely too aberstol. Maybe 2022 will be our year.

I'm not an animal person, I'm afraid.

It might sound harsh but not everyone gets to meet someone and get married. Life just doesn't work out that way for everyone.

You need to stop placing your happiness on getting a man. Think about what you want from life other than getting a bloke. Then work out how to do it. Sounds like you've got a good group of mates, so your not completely on your own.

You might meet someone one day, but you can't put all your hopes and happiness in life on being in a relationship.

Is there anything in your upbringing that is contributing to the non-relationship thing? What did you learn about friendships and relationships from your own family?

I don't think it is a built-in natural thing to make bonds with other people. There are things that can be learned, people skills, conversational skills - that most people learn growing up, but some of us learned, um... other things... that messes with our heads and our ability to have intimate relationships.

Lo9567
OLD = online dating.

OLD is online dating.

I know that not everyone and in fact most people don't get a fairytale, happy ever after. I am not sure that I want to be married myself. I am ok with that, but I want to experience kissing someone, or having sex. I would like to be able to buy someone a Christmas gift and to have someone to spend Christmas Eve with.

I'm not putting all my hopes and happiness on a relationship, but it's the biggest thing in my life that's missing.

My parents are still together and seem happy as larry. My siblings have all had serious relationships.

The bullying at school really dented me, but my mid twenties were so happy, and I really thought it was behind me.

Have you tried looking at more specific dating sites eg for particular interests or ones you have to pay to be a member of? Perhaps you would find prospective dates to be less likely to mess you around .

Oh OP, I get you.
Im 35 and have the same problem.

I think people who aren’t in this situation really can’t comprehend what it’s like.
It’s easy to shout ”love yourself, relationships aren’t all that” etc.
But of course it’s going to affect self image.
How could it not?

No but that's a good idea! I will have a look.

I am sorry you're in the same boat but glad you agree SoLoveless. I know I would feel different if I had some good experiences to help me.

I'm not surprised therapy made you feel worse if it was all happy clappy, cheer yourself up, it'll all be fine kind of thing. Not all therapists are that tone deaf!

Bullying can have an extreme affect on you, almost like PTSD, and can make it hard to feel safe enough to let your guard down. It might be worth trying a different therapist who specialises in working with people who've experienced trauma.

I agree with others that it's much better to meet people in a less competitive dating environment, like through common interests. Tinder and the like can be brutal, with lots of game playing and keeping your options open. If you're not confident with that, it'll make you feel terrible.

Starting to do things that make you value yourself more will definitely help to build up your confidence. Having not had a relationship doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It's a matter of building up the skills to navigate relationships and the confidence to put it into practice.

Did your therapist have any insight that could help you? Seems maybe she wasn't the right fit if she couldn't actually help you uncover any blockers to meeting someone.

Regarding dating, in your 20s etc - how did you find it? Did you go on dates and they didn't work out, or you never met anyone you fancied?

I completely understand the desire to want someone. Loneliness can feel pretty crippling after a while, and there's nothing wrong with admitting you'd like a man. It is a normal human need and it seems you've enjoyed a lot of time on your own anyway -so contentment isn't the issue.

You need to delve more into why dating isn't working. OLD can be hit or miss but it is a numbers game after all - have your friends offered you advice on your profile, or how to message/weed out weirdos etc? Also, maybe you could try asking out guys in the hobby group. Doesn't have to be a full on date - but something like asking to grab a coffee or reaching out on social media. It does seem like you may need to figure out what's not working re:dating for you and go from there.

Hi Op,

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this.

I'm not quite in the same position, however I have been experiencing extreme isolation/loneliness/detachment (pre-covid), during covid and now.

I'm fairly new to the city I'm living in now (4 years here), but have failed to form real meaningful friendships and have had a disastrous relationship history. I'm single, childless (not by choice), not living close to my family and I have one friend (who is an ex partner), I'm 39.

Pre-covid and during it, I think I'd developed alcohol addiction to some degree - I used to get drunk on my own frequently because it was 'something to do' ...otherwise I'd be lying in bed waiting for Monday. That's how bad it was. I was in tears most days. I'm fairly functional in a sense that I've managed to keep my job and work, not get sacked but I feel life is a real slog, and I don't know how much longer it'll continue to be like this. I can't rely on my one friend and I try to be a positive influence when around him.

I was married previously however it was a really dysfunctional relationship.

I've done all the possible solo activities/hobbies there are, and I'm bored of my own company. It's been 8 years on /off like this. I want someone to do nothing with, I can do other stuff on my own.

I have zero faith in relationships and would probably end up in a shitty one as I feel so desperately lonely in the evenings/weekends. I often think if my friend wasn't around in my life, I'd die and nobody would find out for days.

Lost touch with school friends/moved around a lot for an partner. I feel rootless. I've no idea if it'll ever get better

OLD is an absolute cesspit, and when you're in the wrong headspace it will bring you down even more.

Hi OP, rather than OLD,why not go to places where you will meet guys naturally?Coffee shops,pubs,bistros,shopping centres etc.How about travel?Could try a working holiday next year or even backpacking.Try and do as many things different as possible so you are meeting lots of different people,every time you chat to people it will cheer you up and give you a boost.Look around and get to know different people,see if theres anyone you fancy,maybe one of your friends can go out for a night out with you.Do not give up and dont sell yourself short.

OP. It is tough. I've been there and went mad joining things like evening courses and did develop new friendships. However you're in a pandemic so it's probably tougher. Hoping things get better for you.

Don't lose hope.
I met my OH when he was 33 and still a virgin. I was hiw first relationship. We went on to have 2 children together.

I now realise however that he is on the spectrum and this has impacted the nature of his friendships and relationships over the years. Thought I'd mention incase it's also a possibility in your case.