Relationship breakdown

[anonymous311113]

Hi I need to talk to people outside of the situation to get a non biased viewpoint.

My partner suffers with significant mental health difficulties that have got worse since lockdowns started. He also potentially has adhd. His parent passed when he was a teenager and never seems to have been able to cope or grieve with this as it was unexpected.

Cut to the beginning of the year ad I return to work post maternity. He breaks up with me stating the depression is my fault and I am a danger to him. Saying it will be my fault if he commits suicide. He obsessively brings up old arguments and continually makes me feel terrible for things I've said in the heat of the moment. However we have two children and got counselling. We worked through it and seem happy again.
A few months later I am offered a job opportunity in a very remote place. My partner is keen and feels he would be able to get better here as he would not have to work. I am concerned that it was too remote and after the start of the year we aren't ready to make such a big move.
He breaks up with me again following this with many of the same things said as before. We have a family holiday booked and we go and manage to work it out again. He is keen for me to offer him more support with his mental health and I truly feel I tried.

Cut to the last month when a colleague of his passes away near the anniversary of his parents death. He becomes sullen moody and pulls away snapping at me a lot. I am becoming miserable. I raise this with him and he assures me he won't
Leave again and will rebuild trust. We make plans
For the house buy a new car etc.
Then he finds out some news about his parent passing away. He instantly switches in the messages he's sending me, from going shopping and cleaning due to us going on holiday tomorrow to how much he hates me how he doesn't understand why he's with me when I make him so
Miserable. Again that I would make him commit suicide.
I decide to take our children to my sisters as I'm struggling to take how he's being.
He texts me to tell me I've orchestrated the situation to make him kill himself.
On my return this morning he says I've never helped or support him I've always made him feel worse. Again he brings up old arguments. He tells me he's not wanted to be with me since I turned down the job. How he's only said he has so he didn't upset me. He doesn't love
Me as a partner anymore and won't be around me. He's now cancelled his plane ticket for tomorrow leaving me to take our children away on my own.

I feel like I've tried so hard to support him that I've lost myself and my confidence. Our lives revolve around him and I find my self nervous for when we or he gets home because I don't know the mood he will be in. I only wanted to
Keep my family together and never wanted to not see
My children for however many days a week. I think I know splitting up is the right thing but I can't quite deal with everything that comes with it.
Any words of wisdom?

OP, I had hoped you would get more responses by now - the main point of my very brief post is that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It's very manipulative to put this on you. And completely irrational. The danger for you is trying to engage him in a discussion about blame, as he will adamantly convince you that it is yours. But, alas, it is his.

I was discussing with issue with a compete stranger yesterday about why we, as women, take all the guilt and blame upon ourselves. Always. Guilty about their well being, guilty about how the dc are feeling. But where is his responsibility to himself and his dc? It's crazy that, to him, they don't exist.

I think you should send an email to his go, and leave him immediately. If this is possible, of course. His behaviour will never change, as he sees nothing wrong with it. Live life for you. You are important too

This is so tough. OP you can't be responsible for him. You've done everything you can to help him but he is unwilling to help himself. He has no right to hold you hostage to his moods and his illness like this. There is the possibility of real damage to the DC if they continue to be exposed to the atmosphere he is creating.
Take the kids on holiday, you all need the break away from him. And then I think you need to leave him, for everybody's sake.

It’s very difficult, OP, but you need to cut him loose for your and your children’s sake. It’s devastating to children to grow up in a relationship where one parent regularly uses the other as an emotional punchbag. They’re learning that this is what relationships are like.

At some point in his life, he seems to have learnt that women are put on this earth to serve damaged men. He’s wrong. Women are NOT rehab centres for damaged men. And actually he won’t recover while he’s got you to use as his emotional punchbag.

It’s very unlikely he’ll kill himself but it’s not your job to keep him alive. If he threatens it again, you can ask the emergency services to do a welfare check. But for the sake of you and your children, you need to get away from him.

I can tell you from bitter experience that your only option here is to leave him both for your sake and that if your children. You have done the best you can to help him. Now it’s time to look after yourself and your children. He needs to sort himself out . If he doesn’t, and he does look himself, it’s his life and his choice. You’ve done all you can. It’s a really horrible situation , but you will drown with him and your children will be damaged if you don’t leave him. He’s ill. Don’t allow him to emotionally blackmail you.

Look himself I meant to say.

Kill!

Even though he says he has mental health issues he is impacting your mental health. Put yourself first and leave him, he sounds abusive.

OP, there has been great advice on this thread. It's so hard, as you may feel you still love him, but it could be co-dependency. Your partner is emotionally cruel, to say the least, and yes, it's so easy for him to blame you when it's not you, it's him. He should have sought professional help years ago. If this was me, I would be worried about sharing 50/50 child care with this person, when they are so emotionally mucked up, as the children will absorb his moods. Please plan ahead, if you haven't already, and take steps to separate yourself and your DC, after your much needed holiday.

It can’t be good for your, or your children’s, mental health to keep going through this, walking on eggshells. I think you sadly must leave, focus on yourselves. He needs to get counselling and to work on this. It must be so tough for you though. Do you think you actually love him or are you there because of the children and guilt?

MH issues aside- he is vile.

no op, none of this is your fault. You need to speak to women's aid. He is emotionally aBusing you. Id be doing anything i cold to keep the children away from him. He will damage them mentally at absolute best.