Should I warn these women about abusive "friend"?

[ArdeaCinerea]

"Jack" & I used to have a situationship. He's a covert narcissist type, reels women in with sob stories and fake vulnerability, then starts hot and cold behaviour and devaluing, he was emotionally abusive and it took me a while to see it, eventually I took distance. Recently he's been pestering me to be friends, like an idiot and out of boredom I chatted to him a bit. He says to me: "I have a girlfriend and a mistress and I'm treating them both like shit!" I was surprised to see him openly admit to bad behaviour, he's always playing the victim usually.

The girlfriend, "Jill", lives abroad (LDR). The mistress, "Jane", is a work colleague I’ve been hearing about for years. Married, her husband is leaving her, her mother has cancer, she has depression, she recently had a suicide attempt that sent her on indefinite leave. Jack started an affair with her right before her attempt (but it's still going on). He says she's attractive and she's "bothering" him, so why not? "To prevent trouble I told Jill that Jane is a crazy friend who became in love with me and she's harassing me".

Jack and I are not going to be friends ofc. But he did manage to get into my head! Is this true? If it's true, isn’t the whole story kind of dark, and should I warn someone about him? Should I tell Jane to watch out because he is abusive? When I was depressed and I was close with Jack, he did everything he could to make me worse and kept casually mentioning suicide, maybe he is doing the same to her. Should I tell Jill she is being cheated on? A friend who heard the story even suggested I make an anonymous complaint to the workplace because he may be exploiting a vulnerable colleague.

Or should I just stay out of it and go NC? Probably the only sane option, although tbf I don't care about looking crazy to any of these people, and I do have his self-incriminating texts and voice notes. What if he is baiting me to do something, though? What if it's all made up for drama? WWYD?

What’s a ‘situationship’?

It all sounds exhausting.

It all sounds very, very dramatic.
My first thought was go no contact with this creep and stay out of this mess.

I make an anonymous complaint to the workplace because he may be exploiting a vulnerable colleague.

Yes, I do that.

Mention that you experienced this man as an abuser who made casual suggestions about suicide when you were depressed, and knowing that he is in a relationship with a vulnerable work colleague who has recently attempted suicide, you felt you should alert them to this.

Or stay out of it, it's a difficult one.

Do not get embroiled. You don't even know if it's true. Block him and back away. He sounds unhinged.

Should I tell Jill she is being cheated on?

Also a possibility; has he actually put in writing that he's cheating on he'd with a woman who's based abroad?

I'd send her that, avd of course highlight that he made casual suggestions aboit suicide when you were in a relationship with him and depressed.

Block and walk away

Why can't you just block and walk away like an adult?

Recently he's been pestering me to be friends, like an idiot and out of boredom I chatted to him a bit.

Also don't do this again; put of boredom or anything. He's a sinister, twisyed, nasty, moral vacuum c u next tues; how was he gking to be any different all its done is stress you about what he's doing to his current victims. You wouldvt ve in this position if you hadn't entertained him. Get more hobbies and acquaintances, so you're not interacting with scum because you're bored etc

Crazy types like it's reel you into their crazy worlds and then you end up trying to make sense and detangle their craziness. I'm not sure if you can help the others. My advice would be to grey rock, distance yourself not by making a big show and blocking but slowly slink away by being boring and uninspired

Oops posted too soon , be boring , uninteresting and remove this toxic guy from your life.

The problem is that they aren’t going to believe you as they have been conditioned by the abuser. They aren’t going to believe some random women they’ve never met over their boyfriend. Jack will just spin some story about you being a crazy ex.

If you have some solid proof, and don’t care what they will think of you, you can send them it but it is unlikely to do anything

Just walk away Renée. Someone this twisted it's not out of the question he's making some of this up to provoke you into some sort of action and can then say it's untrue and you're crazy etc.
Everyone here is an adult, hopefully Jane is getting professional support after her attempt, stay out of it and block this person from your life.

It sounds like a lot of nonsense. Ignore him.

I have proof as in texts and voice notes in which he tells this stuff in a braggy, nasty tone. I don't know if the story is true. It’s plausible. He always chooses women with mental illness, personal tragedies etc. And while he certainly lies a lot, I’m not sure he’s smart enough to invent something so elaborate, if that makes sense.

I realise I can't spend my life chasing him and warning his victims, rationally I already know the answer to my question. But something about what he said affected me deeply because I remember how he exploited my own mental illness and personal pain. I guess this is why he told me in the first place! “Block and move on and don’t think about it” is easy to say and reasonable, but emotional abuse is insidious and to a degree addictive. If you haven’t been in a situation like this it’s probably hard to understand why someone would be trapped in it for a long time or behave unreasonably. Compounded with the fact that their workplace is a school for little girls and he is responsible for teaching little girls and warping their minds as well maybe, I feel upset that he is living his life getting away with this kind of stuff.

The only way I managed to get distance and peace of mind before, I did exactly what tenredthings advises, I reduced contact slowly and threw him a boring token reply every once in a while very rarely, because full block/NC made things worse.

I have experienced this sort of behaviour and seen how others can get sucked into the sociopath's world. It's like a kind of virus that you catch and I know it's really hard to break away. I understand your sense of injustice and unfairness and your empathy for his other victims. Ultimately by warning them you are just entering into his messed up reality. These people are psychic vampires. It's like they nourish themselves on your involvement even If it's third hand. You can't know if what he's told you is true. It's quite possible he is manipulating you by playing on what he knows will be your empathy for the other women.

From what you’ve said in your previous message, I recommend sending what you have to the women in question but then stepping back from the situation and let them decide what they do. Be ready to accept that they might turn on you.

It can be frustrating knowing that you feel you should be able to help but can’t. If you continue to feel like this, I recommend donating to or volunteering for a domestic abuse charity. There is no reason to focus on him alone and it will be better for your mental health to help in a way that you will not feel personally connected to an abuser. As you say, you can’t follow him around your whole life.

This thread is appalling! Very recently women here were up in arms about men not calling out other men for their shitty behaviour towards women, not reporting colleagues abuse, yet here you’re being told to do just that.

I absolutely think you should report it to your work OP, provide them with the proof. Thank you for looking out for other women.

*his work

@Naunet

This thread is appalling! Very recently women here were up in arms about men not calling out other men for their shitty behaviour towards women, not reporting colleagues abuse, yet here you’re being told to do just that.

I absolutely think you should report it to your work OP, provide them with the proof. Thank you for looking out for other women.

It's not my workplace, sorry if that was unclear. Jack and Jane, the depressed/suicidal woman he is apparently having an affair with/perhaps abusing, work together. I don't work with them (although Jack and I used to be colleagues in a different workplace, that's how we met). I think it would be too harmful to Jane to talk to the employer, although I have other concerns about him as a teacher which are a separate story. Amongst other things he admitted he gives feedback to some of his pupils based on looks and not performance/aptitude because "girls who are not pretty should not be encouraged to go into music or musical theatre"...

Yeah, I could probably talk all day about the shitty things he has said and done and also ask myself continously "why I was close to this person for so long?" and not have a rational answer.