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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is her behaviour understandable or am I BU to be hurt?

9 replies

changethenamenotthegame · 16/10/2021 11:59

Old friend 25 + years we've known each other long before having kids. We have or had a good friendship independently of our kids. But I am now godparent to her child.

Our children are roughly the same age and were until recently super close, best friends. In the past couple of months her child (who is a school year older) has shown indications of wanting to pull away from mine: I think she is more conscious of the age gap and wants to spread her wings a bit.

Which is totally fine. I completely get this, I get that its not really in my friend's control and she shouldnt try to sway her daughter and has to allow her to make her own way.

But my friend has recently more or less dropped me completely. She's not responded to three or four attempts to arrange things with the children but also ignored several text messages from me asking to arrange drinks with her and other non child-related social events.

I'm pretty sure there's no other background to this: there's been no falling out whatsoever and no bad feelings so I really cannot think of another reason why this has happened. I'm 90% sure she is feeling awkward about the thing with the kids and doesn't really know how to handle it so is running away from me.

At some level I can sort of undrestand this but I also think it would be much easier if she fronted this out and came clean with me and we can agree that for the time being our friendship should be about us and the kids and their friendship should take a bit of a back seat.

I just feel quite hurt and angry that instead of discussing this like an adult she's basically hiding from me. But maybe that's the only way she feels she can deal with it without hurting mine or my DC's feelings.

I've stopped contacting her as she's made clear that she's uncomfortable and will leave it for the time being. But I just wanted to sense check whether others think my feelings are reasonable or if I'm just being childish?

OP posts:
clockover · 16/10/2021 12:04

I think after 25 years you must know what kind of person she is. Does she ever deal with things or does she always shy away? That will answer your question.

changethenamenotthegame · 16/10/2021 12:06

@clockover

I think after 25 years you must know what kind of person she is. Does she ever deal with things or does she always shy away? That will answer your question.
Good question: historically its fair to say she was prone to be the sort of person who would always hedge their bets socially and wait on a better offer before confirming stuff and she's always been pretty rubbish at responding/RSVPing to things. I sometimes felt in the past that she was a bit of a fairweather friend.

But that was pre kids: she seems to have got much better at this recently and in recent years has been very supportive so I thought she had changed.

Hard to know really.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/10/2021 12:07

If you know her daughter is pulling away why on earth have you made four attempts to get them together and not just sorted something dor you and your friend? And have you even spoken to her, acted like a friend understood if anything is going on in her life? Your post is all about you and your Kid.

Idontlike · 16/10/2021 12:07

She's not responded to three or four attempts to arrange things with the children

Maybe she felt awkward about you sending so many messages about arranging things for the DC when she knows hers is pulling away? Is worried that if you meet up just the two of you that you will bring up that you aren’t happy about it?

Maybe just message acknowledging that it’s a shame DC are no longer close but that it isn’t a big deal & ask if she fancies a cuppa and a catch up? Or is it that she still keeping away from social things because of Covid?

changethenamenotthegame · 16/10/2021 12:10

@Bluntness100

If you know her daughter is pulling away why on earth have you made four attempts to get them together and not just sorted something dor you and your friend? And have you even spoken to her, acted like a friend understood if anything is going on in her life? Your post is all about you and your Kid.
That's my point @Bluntness100: I have in the past fortnight switched from trying to arrange stuff with the kids to trying to arrange stuff for she and I, asking if she wanted to do something for her birthday etc. I've completely changed tack.

But she's still not responding.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/10/2021 12:15

Yeah but op you hassled her and asked four times. Have you even called her ans spoken to her?

changethenamenotthegame · 16/10/2021 12:19

@Bluntness100

Yeah but op you hassled her and asked four times. Have you even called her ans spoken to her?
Yeah I've spoken to her numerous times. I've been in touch with her a lot.

I've offered free childcare (which I've delivered twice), offered to take her out for her birthday (on me), offered to take her out for drinks independently. Checked in on her.

She just won't respond to specific requests to arrange things (for us, I mean. I've given up on trying to arrange something with the kids).

I suggested last week drinks tonight: she told me she didn't have childcare so was stayiing in: I've just found out from someone else that she's going for drinks with a bunch of other mutual friends.

OP posts:
Skysblue · 16/10/2021 12:28

It sounds like she doesn’t want to be friends with you now that your kids have drifted apart.

I see that you have known each other for a very long time but I question whether it was ever a real friendship. I suspect it’s mostly been quite shallow and you were a convenient friend? I used to have a ‘friend’ who liked to crash ag my central London flat after clubbing. As soon as I moved house, the friendshipw as over as I was no longer useful. Some ppl are like that.

Or maybe you have just grown apart. Either way, she’s sending you clear signals that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Yanbu to be hurt. Yabu to keep chasing her.

changethenamenotthegame · 16/10/2021 12:30

@Skysblue

It sounds like she doesn’t want to be friends with you now that your kids have drifted apart.

I see that you have known each other for a very long time but I question whether it was ever a real friendship. I suspect it’s mostly been quite shallow and you were a convenient friend? I used to have a ‘friend’ who liked to crash ag my central London flat after clubbing. As soon as I moved house, the friendshipw as over as I was no longer useful. Some ppl are like that.

Or maybe you have just grown apart. Either way, she’s sending you clear signals that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Yanbu to be hurt. Yabu to keep chasing her.

Thanks.

You're right. Time to bite the bullet and move on.

OP posts:
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