Should I tell ex best friend why I'm deleting her off SM etc

[Greydaysandrainbows]

My best friend is my oldest friend. She worked abroad a lot so we didn't see each other often until she came home 15 years ago. But she is GM to my children and vice versa.

We are both single parents. For years I listened to her bitch about her ex husband -openly in front of her children -both are now no contact with him as a result. SS were involved but youngest was 13/14 and despite SS saying he wasn't at fault- she didn't change the mantra. She was truly vile about him in front of the children. Mine have some limited contact with theirs even though he is not a nice ex (abusive) I try to be neutral.
For years BF told me I was a bad parent and too strict and that eldest (same age as her youngest) would rebel.As it happens -she didn't. She is quiet and studious and well balanced. Hers has gone off the rails massively -drinking / drugs / vile to her mum etc -I've tried to be there for her I really have. I don't have nice and supportive parents -she did. Through counselling I've seen that my parents are horrific and very very abusive -they are currently NC as I wanted and tried to stand up for myself. I did the same with her back in the summer. She will phone at 2am as she is upset and wants a chat, but ignore my call at 7pm wanting a bit of support after a hard day. She claims to be to busy -we have the same job and I have more and younger children, but I'm expected to drop everything for her.
The summer was the final straw. She often comes to visit at short notice -demanding we drop everything and announce she is staying Monday -Friday and then arrives Saturday - Wednesday but screws up our plans. She uses us like a hotel, free wifi and meals etc and we are NEVER invited to hers. When her kids were younger she used to swan off and out all day every day or use me as free childcare so she could work/ relax on her own terms at my house. I haven't been to her house since she returned to the UK 15 years ago. Both of her children say she is hoarder and it's because of that. She's become worse and worse apparently during lockdown and you can't get in the house really. In the summer she announced she was coming I had plans -she made me cancel them and I specifically said 'if you cancel on me like the last few times' we are over. Sure enough she cancelled and when I pulled her up on it -she shut me down. She did try and ring once in late August to say happy birthday and I let it go to voicemail. I know she will phone me on christmas day / birthday without fail. She's also done some other stuff other the years that I can't condone eg affairs with married men etc. Being friends with her isn't helping my mental health and yet weirdly I miss her as well.

She popped up on my facebook today as it was her eldest's birthday and I had posted happy birthday today and she replied below mine. I want to stay friends with both her daughter, but thought maybe the time has come to defriend. I don't want to cause a problem but I do want to tell her why I'm cutting the friendship and why -as she shut me down last time and cancelled all by text -so I couldn't explain how much I was hurt etc

So I could just defriend and say nothing (she never posts anything anyway -maybe once a year), I could text her and say something like 'I'd like to talk and see if we can clear the air and move forward or go our separate ways' or I could send her a long email.

Without going into the history she is a difficult person but at times has been supportive but sometimes friends aren't a friend but a user -and I'm certain she is the later but wanted to give her a chance to apologise and change. She doesn't have many friends and I know her youngest is really off the rails right now but worried I might be sucked into supporting her and not it being mutual. Through counselling I'm much much stronger -so able to hold my own verbally I think.

WWYD?

"Without going into the history she is a difficult person but at times has been supportive but sometimes friends aren't a friend but a user -and I'm certain she is the later but wanted to give her a chance to apologise and change".

Apologise and change - that is NOT going to happen. This is who she really is and she has used you and your home throughout. She has trodden all over your (far too low) boundaries and disrespects your home and you totally. Let go of any and all hope here that she will change and say sorry; such toxic friends never do. Am I surprised she has no friends; no not a bit of it. People have seen her true nature and have rightfully backed away. You ultimately need to do the same.

Do not communicate with her further as this opens a door that should remain closed. Drop the rope entirely here.

Read about codependency and see how much of that reflects in your own behaviours towards her. You should not and indeed do not have to put her needs above your own.

You're not going to get what you want.
I'd just move on, go.gorth and enjoy your life without.her In it

Why? What are you hoping to gain? She’s shown you a million times that she doesn’t give one single shiny shite about you or your feelings. Why would this time be any different to the last time when she shut you down? Cut contact, move on and try to establish some better boundaries for the future. If she rears her head to ask why you’ve cut contact then feel free to tell her then, but the overwhelming likelihood is that she won’t even notice because she’s so self absorbed. She’s not going to change so why waste any more of your time or energy trying to make her?

We’ve moved so she doesn’t have our new address or my new landline - just a mobile. She’s not that self aware she won’t notice she has been dropped unless I spell it out. She will ring on birthdays or Christmas and it’s either got to be in or out and I might need to spell it out. ATM I’m not expecting her to change. But at least it will be clear and she then won’t be contacted me through work or something But after 40 years I want to throw her the last chance saloon and be able to say to both girls - I’m here if you want but make it clear to their mum that our friendship is over. She’s won’t even be aware that I’m nc with her right now or have been. She just won’t get it.

I’n not suggesting you should say this but it really doesn’t sound as if there was ever a friendship there.

I think it would be very unfair on her daughter to keep a relationship with her and not the mother though.

The daughters are 15 and 30 though - I’m friends with all of them from social media

I agree that you're not going to get what you want from making this contact - accept this is over and done with and move on.

It seems that you want her to notice that you're low contact and you want some sort of reaction from her or maybe an apology.

She sounds like an emotionally immature person and I doubt an apology is likely. I also highly doubt she will ever change - but you can.

If it were me I would not defriend her on social media. It may cause issues for mutual friends or children. I would quietly move on, mute her on social media and continue with low contact (A quick phonecall for birthdays or Christmas would be fine). I would have strong boundaries for dealing with her in future and would not tolerate being used.

She won’t change. She’s a user.

I had to dump my BF. I spend years excusing her flakey behaviour and unreliability. She was always switching plans and getting better offers.
Myself and DH were fully supportive in her divorce (although in retrospect I realise how much of it was caused by her, her DH wasn’t a bad person). Helped her with her DC.
She moved away and started a new life which was fine. The end for me was her total lack of interest when I had DD, she’s never actually seen her.
She was finally meant to visit when she was 2 and just never showed up. Rang a week later and tried to turn up then, but we were busy and she was so annoyed.
She tried contact a few times but it was always just for her benefit. I really couldn’t see

The continuing the relationship.

I wouldn't tell her a damn thing, ever again, and trust me, she won't care. I'd be binning her off and completely ghosting and blocking. Who has time for people like her?

You're wasting your time and energy. Dump and move on.

I think you already know the answer to this one, OP. Even giving her another chance won't change things long term.
You're in a stronger place, which is good, and to just key this"friendship" go sounds like it would be a positive move.
It's hard when you've known someone for years and have been close, so I understand it's not an easy move to make.

I'd just carry on ignoring her and only if she tries to get in touch to demand something would I tell her to sod off.

but wanted to give her a chance to apologise and change.

She won't change, she is who she is. You cannot make her into who you want her to be.

We’ve moved so she doesn’t have our new address or my new landline - just a mobile. She’s not that self aware she won’t notice she has been dropped unless I spell it out. She will ring on birthdays or Christmas and it’s either got to be in or out and I might need to spell it out.

Block her.

Thank you all yes I should just move on -I suppose I have.

She has the hide of a rhino though and that's why I thought if I spelt out again how bloody annoying she was -and give her a chance to bite it and digest it. She's one of these 'if you say you are pissed off' it's all just hot air people and doesn't really get it.