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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating apps on husbands phone???

15 replies

EasyGoing80 · 16/10/2021 06:04

I’ve been separated from my husband for a while now - he walked out saying we wanted different things. I assumed other woman but a year down the line no one has yet appeared and I’ve never been given a sit down discussion or any reasons why.

We have family sharing on the iPhone meaning that we can view each other’s app downloads (only just discovered this) in 2011 he downloaded PoF and in 2016 Tinder and ‘Have a Fling app’ Does this mean he has cheated? Or is this just what men do, download for a quick gawp?? Surely the intent was there at least?

I feel like I’ve walked around with my eyes closed for the past 17 years.

OP posts:
IrishMel · 16/10/2021 07:02

Sorry to hear this has happened to you so he walked out and left you with no closure. This is the worst thing ever as it leaves you in a kind of limbo. My phone is fairly simply so only use for text/calls. But really I doubt he is looking for a relationship and probably if anything it would be something casual or one off's but who knows he may just be looking. Please try not to think about him and put yourself first. He has behaved in a shitty way and you deserve better. It will get better and even if he came back to talk now I would not give him the time of day. It would help to talk to someone as you did nothing wrong and so selfish of him to just walk away. Shows what he is really like. Sorry for what you have been through.

IrishMel · 16/10/2021 07:02

Meant to ask do you have children, if so, then he is more selfish as put his needs above yours and the children. Things will get better.

Shoxfordian · 16/10/2021 07:11

It’s not just a thing men do; it’s a thing cheating men do or men with intentions of cheating do

litterbird · 16/10/2021 07:17

Men download dating apps for one reason only, to chat, connect and hopefully date other women. So sorry OP this must be awful for you. He’s been deceiving you for a very long time. Good job you are out of it now and can concentrate on you and your life now. And no it’s not something a normal married man will do unless he is a cheat.

Original poster
EasyGoing80 · 16/10/2021 07:33

@IrishMel I have two boys whom I hope will grow up to be much more respectful than he is.

Left without warning or reason a quick hack of his emails at the time showed he booked a 5 star hotel suite for five days after leaving, followed by chlamydia medication a week later. I honestly have no idea why I’m asking if he could potentially be a cheater 🤷🏻‍♀️😂.

He just never fit the ‘cheater type’ . He’s socially awkward, no Adonis and sh!t in bed.

OP posts:
ErinAoife · 16/10/2021 07:41

Same thing happens to me. Left me with no explanation except that he did not love me anymore and wasn't attracted to me after being 25 years together. A month later he was with someone else, relationship last 2 years, he is now in a new relationship for the past year but my daughter told me he is still looking at dating apps so still looking at his option despite having introduce his new girlfriend to my kids.

MatildaIThink · 16/10/2021 07:53

It does not mean he cheated, it is also not "just what men do". There may have been intent, there may have been curiosity, it is certainly not acceptable regardless of subsequent actions.

It is over, he is not someone there is a future with, he may have cheated, he may have not, on the basis that it is over it is not worth dwelling on.

Original poster
EasyGoing80 · 16/10/2021 07:53

@ErinAoife how long did it take you to get over the shock? I would never have him back in a million years but the feeling of being duped/being f@cking stupid makes me physically ill.

OP posts:
Original poster
EasyGoing80 · 16/10/2021 07:54

@MatildaIThink

It does not mean he cheated, it is also not "just what men do". There may have been intent, there may have been curiosity, it is certainly not acceptable regardless of subsequent actions.

It is over, he is not someone there is a future with, he may have cheated, he may have not, on the basis that it is over it is not worth dwelling on.

💯
OP posts:
IrishMel · 16/10/2021 08:12

That is awful the dirty git you are well rid of him. He thinks he is all that but he isn't. You will have a far happier life without him and a happier home with you and your boys. Don't blame yourself please. You seem kind and lovely and we never expect others to do this kind of thing if we would not dream of doing it ourselves. Shocking to find out what he is up to but let him off as he will end up lonely and alone and riddled. Please take care and post and update if you need to as it does help to open up and realize he is a shit.

ErinAoife · 16/10/2021 08:24

@EasyGoing80, it is been 4 years since we are separated and I am still not over it

IrishMel · 16/10/2021 08:35

This is a big trauma in your life ErinAoife and can affect a person for years. Have you talked to anyone who can help as think it would make a big difference. Sorry to hear what you went through and are going through. It is like grief of a death, and he is acting like this and no regard for anyone but himself. Sorry cannot help but just know that there are people who care and understand.

ErinAoife · 16/10/2021 09:22

What I find very hard is the interaction of my kids with his girlfriends And after having spend 25 years together he doesn't care one bit about me, it is like I never existed, it won't help me if I need help with the kids as he is entitled to a life. In 4 years I can count on one hand how many time I asked him: twice so I don't think it is a lot.

PornStarQuarantini · 16/10/2021 22:46

Hope you're ok OP. Time really will heal - all is raw at the moment. 1 step at a time.

Marineboy67 · 17/10/2021 11:17

It's always so upsetting and disappointing to find out things after a relationship has finished.
Even though some of the feelings have passed, one can't help feeling a bit stupid despite the fact the faults lie with the other person. Experienced this in a couple of long term relationships, even years down the line it still really annoys me. I couldn't give a shit about the people think it's just being made a fool of and someone taking the piss.

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