Do I stay or do I go?

[samann567]

I'm just hoping there might be someone out there who can help me. Writing this is really a cry for help. I've been with my husband for 30 years, I was 16, he was 19 when we got together. My one and only boyfriend. We have 2 lovely children and on the outside to others looking in life is perfect. Inside though I'm sad and I feel like I'm living a lie. We just seem to have drifted apart. We've never had the best of sex lives, his libido has been always higher than mine. If we're intimate, he's happy, if we don't he gets grumpy. Lately though it's non existent. We've both given up. He prefers to spend time in his man cave, smoking cannabis and watching porn. I hate it. I just feel useless. We haven't been intimate in ages. It sounds stupid but I feel like he's having loads of affairs and I'm just letting him get away with it. He can't get an erection with me and if we do actually try and be intimate he wants what he sees in films. I know people will say what am I doing? Why am I still there? But I don't know any different, he's my best friend, the dad to my children and he's a nice person, it's just there's something huge missing. I don't think either of us are happy. At the same time I'm scared to be on my own. Sorry for the long message but I have no one to talk too. I even feel stupid writing this to be honest x

That sounds really miserable OP, sorry.

Apart from the sex issue (and it clearly is a big issue) are there other areas of the relationship that are problematic? Being grumpy if he's not getting sex is shitty, does he get the arse a lot with other things? Are household chores and childcare divided fairly? Do you work - if not do you want to? Do you have equal access to and power over family finances?

If sex was out of the picture entirely, if it just didn't exist, would you still want to be with him? Because if so, I'd talk to him about going to counseling. It would require hard work, honesty and probably be pretty embarrassing at first - but surely a bit of hard work and cringe are preferable to divorce?

You met this person when you were a mere 16 years of age and so had no real life experience behind you. It sounds like his primary relationships are now with porn (he likely also has issues with intimacy) and cannabis and I am sure too your children know that things are bad between you as their mum and their dad. If you can describe this man as your best friend too, it also tells me just how low your own relationship bar is because it’s that pitifully low. Is writing that of him as your best friend really you trying to put a gloss on things?. It’s not true is it?. It takes two to make a marriage work so you cannot make this work on your own. And divorce is preferable to really living as miserably like you and in turn your kids are now.

Do not stay with such a man because of or for the children, out of fear of being alone (you’re really alone within your marriage now) and also because you know no different. Feel the fear and do it anyway because what you’re describing here relationship wise is akin to a slow death by 1000 cuts. One day your kids will leave home, what then for you and your husband?.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here, is this the role model of a relationship you want them to potentially emulate too?. What relationship model were you yourself shown in childhood?.

Thank you both for replying. Atilla especially is spot on really. I know in my heart things are not right, I'm glossing things over, even my 18 yr old daughter has told me not to live like I'm living. I've tried telling him I'm not happy, I don't like the porn, I just want to be loved. Thing is I do love him, I just don't like what he does...god I sound weak don't I?! I just feel like im putting a big brave smile on my face every day but to be honest I'm tired. Just going round and round in circles! Thing is my Mum and Dad split up and I don't want to inflict the same situation on my children. We tried counselling about 15 years ago, it did work, now he's refusing to go again x

Sorry didn't expand on the first questions. We both work, always have and he's always been there for me through hard times. He's been my rock through various family issues. We get on as friends but intimately it's non existent. I go to bed on my own whilst he's watching whatever he watches! God it's not until I write it down that I sound so bloody stupid. Can imagine you all saying get out of there! My stomach just churns though thinking about it x

Once men get hooked on porn they find it very difficult indeed to have normal loving relationships with their partners. They want what they have seen onscreen; and what they see there has nothing whatever to do with relationships - it is purely mechanical.

I think you need to find a new life for yourself away from all this. You will not be able to achieve a normal relationship with him.

There is often an element of women wanting love and men wanting sex in relationships, and normally some sort of balance is struck where both respect the other. Once they are hooked on porn you are on a hiding to nothing I am afraid. There is no going back.

If you can find the courage to break out of this relationship which is satisfying neither of your needs, I am sure you will be able to make a new enriching life for yourself.

There's always an assumption that if you leave, you'll be totally alone and have nothing to do with each other ever again. Actually, since nothing is terribly broken but you've drifted apart, you could simply have him as a friend. I didn't lose my ex husband, we chat once a week and actually, it's enough. I just wanted his friendship and our history, nothing more, and that's what I have.