What does he bring to the relationship?

[TheRedHen2]

Someone recently asked me what my partner brings to my relationship.

I have to admit, I'm thinking about it, it does seem that I bring more and it's an uneven split. Something to work on and think about.

But when I think about friends with partners, I also can see an unfair split with regards to practical, financial or emotional giving.

So if you're happy in your relationship, what does your partner bring to the party?

My husband and I have an “unfair split” with most things but it works for us. We don’t have the same needs so give different things if that makes sense. He contributes more financially to the house whereas I am the one that organises our life and finances, something he’s not great at. I’m a more emotional person so he probably gives more emotionally because I need it. Practically, we both contribute in different ways.
But my first answer to what he brings would be stability, comfort, humour and the ability to make me feel like the most important person in his world. It’s not about who does what, it’s about if it works for you. We’ve been married 13 years.

Love, cuddles and an he pays the other half of our meal bills. We don’t live together though so that makes life easier!

My ex husband contributed nothing. I did it all and earned all the money while he did what he wanted. He sucked the life out of me.

I think every successful couple has to bring things to the table, but they don't have to split everything 50/50 - teamwork means playing to your strengths.

In my marriage, my H was disabled and didn't work. He was mainly mobile but went through periods where he was very physically limited. He was dyslexic and he struggled with "authority" and "officialdom". He couldn't drive.

I worked full time and earned good money and was on a promising career track so I brought in all the earned income (we also had his benefits, and I had 2 jobs, 1 ft, 1 freelance pt wfh.) H did school drop off and pick ups (when not having a flare up) but I would do all homework, reading, parents evenings, and school meetings.

I did all the household admin. H did all cooking, cleaning, gardening, laundry, DIY. If he wasn't fit to do it then I'd do the basics.

What made all this fit together was the emotional support we gave each other. For both of us, it was the first time we felt emotionally safe enough to be honest and vulnerable.

I didn't realise in earlier relationships how damaging it is when things aren't equal. It was only when I met my now DH that I realised how important it is. I'd always done more of the work at home and mental admin (and physical admin) as well as working full time. It made me tired and resentful.

It was refreshing that with my DH he just assumed that we're a partnership and we share the burdens and the good stuff. We both work roughly the same hours in our paid jobs, so it's pretty obvious that we should both contirbute the same outside of that. And we do. The basic rule is 'noone sits down until everyone's sat down'. We may be doing different things (our strengths and preferences are different when it comes to housework / admin / gardening / DIY / shopping / cooking etc) but we get the same amount of downtime.

It also helps we're on the same page emptionally - both very open and honest (he was ahead of me when it came to being open emotionally so I've learned from him).

He earns more, but sees it all as family money in one pot. He doesn't think that gives him some sort of right to have more time off or spend more on his hobbies.

I'm grateful for all of this, whilst at the same time thinking it should be the default position. It just makes common sense that both people in a partnership should put in the same effort - physically, emotionally and mentally. And both should get the same amount of downtime /rest / time to pursue hobbies and interests.