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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to react to this behaviour from sibling

23 replies

Filllpot · 15/10/2021 13:47

I have had quite a difficult relationship with my brother. It is pretty one sided. I get the impression if I did not get in touch he wouldn't either. I do it mostly because my DC and his DC (cousins) get on very well together. However, arranging anything is often tedious and drawn out and it feels like he does not want to meet at all. Examples are me asking him when he is free. Him saying 'maybe' a lot to dates even up until said date. Many times we have agreed to a date and then he has cancelled because he is meeting his friend or going somewhere else instead. When he has agreed to meet up on a certain date it is usually on his terms. He'll tell me when he is arriving and where we will be meeting/going and won't even bother asking if that is OK. If I object he'll say something like 'OK, you do your thing and we'll do ours'.

A recent example is this weekend. It was my birthday recently and after many 'maybes' he said he was coming this weekend to celebrate. I've just received a message saying he has booked a table at x restaurant at x time and if my family would like to join? I think this is a bit off because the whole point was to spend time together and celebrate my birthday but it seems he is doing his own thing now and asking me as a last thought. This is quite usual and I'm constantly feeling things are very 'off'. It also takes the enjoyment out of meeting although the kids always have a great time. Is this behaviour off? What can I do?

OP posts:

Mumonth · 15/10/2021 19:18

He sounds very self centred. Could you stop initiating meeting up?

Thehop · 15/10/2021 19:21

“Oh no, get it moved to the Sunday! You’re all coming here for dinner for my birthday Saturday remember!”

Notaroadrunner · 15/10/2021 19:24

I'd stop bothering with him. If you want the kids to meet up would their mum be happy to meet with you?

Original poster

Filllpot · 15/10/2021 20:17

@Thehop

“Oh no, get it moved to the Sunday! You’re all coming here for dinner for my birthday Saturday remember!”

Latest is I said to my brother I was going to cook for everyone here. I reminded him we are celebrating my birthday! He said he wants to try out x restaurant instead and would meet us later on in the afternoon instead. So that's that. Kids now asking why they aren't coming for lunch. I really should not have bothered keeping the date free or buying extra food thinking they were coming...or even telling the kids they were coming. Feel quite annoyed now.

OP posts:

IrishMel · 15/10/2021 21:36

So difficult for you but it seems like he has to be the one who controls all the meetings, where you meet, etc. Does he have to be there when the cousins meet up, could he not just drop the kids at yours and pick them up after if he is so busy. Maybe take a step back for a bit and see if he contacts you. It seems like he is not willing to talk to you about decisions or compromise. I would tell him you had bought in extra food and kids were disappointed and you cannot make his dinner arrangements and leave it for a bit.

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/10/2021 21:38

He doesn't sound too interested in meeting up, tbh. Do you usually celebrate your birthdays together, btw?

junebirthdaygirl · 15/10/2021 21:42

Sounds like someone who has an issue with someone else making decisions..likes to be in control, have the final word. I would pull right back from him and just ask can he drop his kids over to play with yours every now and then and not ask him. What about his partner...does she ever make plans with you around the cousins or how do you get on?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/10/2021 21:53

Do they live a long way away? Could you suggest "my dc would love to see their cousins next weekend - how about I come over and pick them up, I'll take them to the park/ours and you and SiL can enjoy a bit of free time?"

Do you think he would go for that?

MadameMonk · 15/10/2021 22:10

Cut him out of your planning loops in the future. Doesn’t sound like he’s giving much to the social situations anyway. I organise these things directly with my SIL, and/or offer to pick up just the cousins and take them with us.

If anyone ever complains they are being left out, you calmly tell them that you’re surprised to hear that, given you’ve suggested different for many years and finally taken the hint that they/he can’t really be bothered being included in other people’s plans.

I happen to be actively estranged from my brother, and it really doesn’t affect how often I see his family.

Original poster

Filllpot · 15/10/2021 22:56

I rarely meet with just SIL. Thinking about it my brother is pretty controlling with her so when I do ask her if she wants to meet with us or just me she says she has to ask my brother first! She's quite shy, doesn't go out alone really and I guess that suits my brother. She doesn't work and he controls how much money she has etc. I remember very few times when I've just met up with her. I have offered to take kids in the past and my brother has often come back saying he'll think about it or is busy! I can only think of one time the kids came over for the day alone. My brother has also declined many sleepovers for the kids so I stopped asking. I try to make an effort with him because I feel the cousins would not see each other otherwise. But after this will have a break from suggesting anything else I think.

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 15/10/2021 23:00

He sounds horrible from your recent update. His poor wife! Personally I wouldn't want a relationship with him and it's a shame his wife has to ask his permission to meet up as otherwise at least you could keep the cousin relationship going via her.

IrishMel · 15/10/2021 23:07

Feel sorry for the wife so he has serious control issues. Hope she is ok as he sounds quite abusive. Well done you for trying to keep the cousins meeting up as that is so nice for them and bet his kids love it. Maybe try to get sil and kids over to yours for Halloween see what happens. Don't give up on the cousins and if he gets all stroppy tell your brother that he is very controlling. Maybe no one ever called him out on that before. You seem very kind.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/10/2021 23:07

Wow he sounds very controlling. This now makes sense that he won't go along with your suggestions - he wants to be the one making plans. (is one of your parents the same way?)

waltzingparrot · 15/10/2021 23:29

Does he work? Can you arrange with the SIL to pick Her/the kids up in school holidays when he's at work and spend the day at yours. You need never bother him again if you do it like this. Not if it would cause trouble for her though.

billy1966 · 15/10/2021 23:33

He sounds awful.

Controlling and possibly deeply unpleasant if not worse towards his wife.

Stop trying at all.

It will be always thus.

Move on.

Your children can survive without cousins.

Stop running after this awful man.

DFOD · 15/10/2021 23:40

He’s enjoying toying with you and yanking your chain.

Deny him that.

Just detach and don’t be drawn by his antics. I suspect that if you stop initiating contact he will soon come running. Test that out.

But I think that I would be going LC with him - he is v deliberately disrespectful to you - don’t give him the opportunity. Drop the rope.

Your DCs don’t need to see their mother preoccupied and distressed begging for a relationship …. they also don’t need to be disrespected by this jerk.

Sadly the cousins are the collateral damage.

SummerWhisper · 16/10/2021 08:54

Your brother is abusing his wife. Very sorry, OP. I would only contact your SIL from now on. She may need a lifeline. Keep it open for her. What a nasty man.

Newgirls · 16/10/2021 08:57

Do they have a problem with your food/home? Maybe he thinks a restaurant is easier all round?

layladomino · 16/10/2021 09:37

He sounds very controlling. He has to feel as though he's made the decision. The type who would disagree and go somewhere else even if he'd enjoy what you suggested. Because he has to be in control.

His poor wife likely has this all the time. I know he's your brother, but he sounds awful.

I would stop giving him any control. He enjoys messing you around and showing you who's boss. Don't engage anymore. Keep in touch with SIL as much as you can.

Builderscrack · 16/10/2021 09:48

I relate to this 100%. My sister is exactly the same and it wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t for the fact that my (only) child adores her cousins. She barely ever sees them and when she does, it’s always on my sisters vaguely laid out terms. Always ‘we’ll be going to x at x time’.

It gets so bad between is sometimes that I try to think that in a few years , my daughter will be able to contact them a bit more on her own terms. And that a toxic sibling relationship isn’t worth suffering . my dd doesn’t have lots of friends and is struggling a bit at the moment, but I do try to focus on friendships rather than the cousins. In an ideal world they’d see each other all the time, but it’s too entrenched for that to be possible.

Also, it’s a plus at least that your dc have got each other. I do think sometimes you have to put yourself first. Your brother is disrespectful and self centred I’m sorry to say.

Joinbyog · 16/10/2021 10:02

If you can get info on journey to freedom to your sil without your bro knowing please do.

My ex would make sure I was well briefed on keeping quiet about him when with his family without him. And frequently would either refuse meetings or turn up horrendously late as punishment.

Abusive men can and do have lovely relatives, I would hope that if/when they split up it’s your sil you stay in contact with.

I’ll bet you my lottery winnings once he’s out of the picture that life for you, sil and cousins will improve tremendously.

lottery winnings may or may not be closer to a fiver than to the weekend jackpot

Original poster

Filllpot · 16/10/2021 10:31

I used to be concerned about SIL and she used to complain a lot about him but quite a strange relationship at times. Although my brother doesn't want her to work she doesn't want to work either. She has said in the past she likes being a 'lady of leisure' and he will give her 'spending money' and splash out presents on her which she'll post on Facebook pretending they are the perfect couple! She will rarely go anywhere alone (I asked her many times in the past to meet up), saying she'll wait to go with my brother etc so seems they feed off each other. Who knows! I didn't say in my previous posts but he is also a heavy drinker and I'm sure this has a big impact on his behaviour.

My DC and his DC are nearly the same age so get on so well, would be such a shame to cut contact. But after this I will for a while. A relationship can't be so one-sided and all this back and forth takes the biscuit.

OP posts:

Original poster

Filllpot · 16/10/2021 11:29

@Builderscrack sorry you are in the same position too, such a shame. Your sister and my brother sound very alike. As you say 'in an ideal world...' Hopefully your DD will have a better relationship with them when they are older. I guess we cannot choose our family. I'm going to stand back quite a lot after this.

OP posts:

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