37 and dating - when to bring up kids?

[StartingAgain33]

I'm pretty sure I want kids and, due to sad life circumstances I'd rather not go into, haven't had them yet.

I realise time is running out, and I'm trying to manage the panic about that. It mostly works, but I notice dating really brings it up.

I'm so nervous of looking desperate that I find it hard to directly ask the kids question, but at the same time I don't want to waste my time. Or, I touch on the issue with a guy who gives a slightly fluffy answer and then don't want to probe any more as it feels too invasive. I have stayed with wishy washy guys for too long in the past.

Now, I've had two dates with someone who is 36. He says he would like nothing more than to meet the woman to have kids with. But at the same time he's not long moved to my city for career reasons, and said he would want to move back to the countryside if he had kids. So he's not going to want to move back in a couple of years if he has lots of career stuff to do. He also says he wants to be in the right financial position. These things make me nervous as I probs need to start thinking of kids in the next couple of years and sounds like he still has lots to do, but I don't know if I should directly broach this with him? I'm worried about putting him off, but also what does it matter if he doesn't have the same intentions anyway?

I don't understand why I find it so hard to talk about. It's just so awkward!

I had my last baby at 40. You have time. Dating is about auditioning the man to determine if you could imagine having a long-term relationship, partnership or marriage. Forget about kids. If this man is dating you for a year and you are committed, then would be the time to explore family expansion. Most men would run a mile if you raise babies early on while dating. Some will think you will try to get pregnant to catch them and trap them. Nothing worse that making babies with a man who you eventually decide that you loathe with every cell in your body...and then you are tied to them for 18 years while raising a child. Go with the flow for now, and decide if you like him enough to share colic, baby sick and the less attractive aspects of child-care!

At your age if want to know his plans straight away. No point wasting time with someone who might want them in 5 years time.

I asked my dh on date 3. His timescale was way out from mine! I would have been closer to menopause then baby making. I explained the biological clock and we had a baby the following year. If I’d scared him off , I was prepared for that and so be it. I’m glad I set my expectations as time is not your friend late 30s. You also don’t know if you’ll have issues conceiving which I have with no 2.
In the meantime you could go to a fertility clinic and get a check done to see what your amh, fsh, follicles etc are like and that will give a bit of a steer on time

Agree with DigOlBick you should mention it from the beginning that you definitely want children.

If you are over 35 there is no point wasting the next 2 years on someone who doesn't want them in case there are issues.

I should add I know men who definitely wanted children and they said they made it clear from aged 30 upwards to anyone they dated.

I know too many women who left it too late to have children because they were waiting for a man to be ready or change his mind, in two cases that man now has at least one child with his next younger partner.

At your age I would start looking into sperm donators and moving forward as a single parent.

You can still date, but then don't lose the chance to be a parent hoping a wishy-washy guy (who has no deadline - unlike you) settles down.

I'm dating guys aged 35-55 and without fail those who want children think they will just click their fingers and score a 25 year old women who desperately wants children, wherever they (the guys) have run out of skiing/holiday buddies and get bored of the bachelor life.

So if I was a single women in her late 30s who 100% wanted children I wouldn't reply on fate delivering a guy my age who wanted the same in the next 24 months and was ready to start building a relationship with that in mind.

If children are something you desperately want, then that's quite a gamble

I would say you're looking to settle down and have kids with the right person so not directly saying you want kids with them. Nothing wrong with being upfront with what you want. The first dates are finding out if they are ready now, the guy you've dated isn't ready, be brave and say if it doesn't match to your timeline, you never know if you meet someone that really wants you then they may compromise to make it sooner.
Unpopular advice here but an unplanned pregnancy, if they don't offer to use contraception but you end up pregnant.

My DH brought it up on our second date and said he wanted kids, it wasn't future faking and it certainly laid the cards on the table. I was 34 at the time and did appreciate the candour. DD was born 2 years later.

I think think you are starting something new then it's wise to ask as much as you have. But I would hate to think someone settled for me because they wanted an oven/sperm done for a mini me.

Focus on finding happiness with a person that makes your life happier. Then IF kids are a result of that, brilliant. But if not, then they were not meant to be.

Too many women waste their thirties and there abouts, fixated on the possibility of something currently non existent. The work themselves up into a frenzie of woe about what ifs. When in actual fact, if they don't have kids, they will find plenty of other things to do with their life that are fulfilling.

It's like going to the dentist. If you stay chill, it's not a big deal. I'm not saying you should completely hakuna matata life...but I'd try to just always try to just live in the moment, rather in the what ifs.

There's no way to know if any relationship will lead to kids or not so best to just focus on being happy in the now and seeing where things go.

I really think that at 37 you should ask potential partners at an early stage if they want kids (DH asked me on our third date) and if the answer is anything other than 'yes, and in the next couple of years', then you cut your losses early and keep looking.

There are many men who would like kids when they've got their next promotion, moved house, got a million in the bank etc. In reality no one would ever have children if we all waited until everything was perfect!

There are also many men who can't make up their minds and will happily string you along until it's too late.

My DH asked me on our third date if I wanted kids and I said 'yes, within the next 2/3 years'. He wasn't scared off and 3 years later I had our first baby.

Thanks everyone. I don't know why I feel this shame about even wanting this. I think that's what it boils down to. Admitting what I want. And opening myself up to the idea of failure

@StartingAgain33 that's why you need to ask them pretty early - the longer you don't ask them, the more embarrassing it gets!

I was the same as you - spent my 20s and early 30s terrified to admit to any man that I wanted to get married and have children. I thought I would scare them off, I think! As a result no-one took me seriously and I had a series of relationships that went nowhere.

I had a revelation at 34 that I needed to just lay it out at an early stage and see what happened. The first man I did that with is now my husband.

It's not shameful to want something in life! It's human. And yes, he might be horrified and run for the hills. But won't if he's a nice bloke who also wants to settle down and have a family.

@bumpyknuckles that's exactly it - I just have this big fear around it. And I take any rejection of me to be about me rather than them just not wanting the same life situation so I put it off. It's so silly!

I'm really glad you got what you wanted. I am going to go on one more date with this guy and make it clear. Third date isn't too bad. Although I'm annoyed I fluffed up the last date by basically saying 'yeah I'd like kids but not really that worried about it' when he asked :(

@StartingAgain33 it's good that he asked first - shows it's on his mind too! It's also good that he says he wants to meet the future mother of his children. These are good signs!

Are his friends all married with kids too? Most men whose friends have kids want them too.

You just need to ask him for more details. I'd ask him about his timescales - when does he see himself having kids? In a couple of years? In 5 years? In 10?

If his timescale seems too long, point out that he'll need to find someone younger than you to have children with. Some men are sadly clueless that it gets harder for women to get pregnant once they turn 40.

You've just got to be honest with him and say what you want. He might be doing the same and trying not to scare you off by saying he wants kids soon!

@bumpyknuckles you're right, thank you :)

The kids thing actually came up because I mentioned I'd frozen my eggs, and he bought that up in the next date and was like 'so - why?' etc. So he didn't explicitly ask about kids, but seems interested in the fact it came up?

He has mentioned that all of his friends have kids and that he feels like he's missed out on life etc. Although I do know he still has a lot of career things he wants to get done etc. He has hinted he'd be happy to move to my part of London which is good. Maybe I'm panicking over nothing :)

It's scary but there's nothing wrong with being honest and the right guy for you will feel the same.

I know someone who did just that and they've started trying right away. :)

@StartingAgain33 I think it all sounds good. He's obviously very interested in having kids etc. He's the one talking about it!

In terms of his career, just ask him if he wants to do those career things before having kids or are they more general ongoing aspirations.

He's probably thinking the same about you and trying not to scare you off by being too full-on about wanting kids!

Enjoy dating this guy and keep seeing other people until it gets serious. It sounds a cliche but you know when you know and it won't seem awkward. He's already told you he wants kids so that's good to know after only 2 dates. He thinks he wants them in a few years but that's because he's single right now. If you continue dating and fall for each other he'll be happy to start trying.

I agree with another poster that it's a great idea to get your fertility thoroughly checked out for peace of mind. Worth paying privately if you can. If there's any issues you might be able to get them resolved before you start trying. You do not need to tell whoever you're dating what you're doing. Hope everything goes well.

I would talk about it right away. No wasting time and no beating around the bush. He's well old enough to have his life together, and if he doesn't, you want to know right away.

He also says he wants to be in the right financial position.

What does that even mean? It sounds like faffing to me. He has a job, and he can clearly continue to make money and still have children, so it sounds like a stalling tactic. I'd keep a sharp eye open and not put up with being strung along.

I met my DH through work. I was 35 and I told him straight away not to waste my time.

I agree with @sospspsp. I did the panic thing and then ended up with a hopeless DP who looked like a good bet to have young kids with but the older they got the more I realised I had gained another child in him. I left him many years later but in retrospect I'd have never ended up with him had I not been 'in a rush'. If you have some security yourself and know what you want, I would avoid saddling yourself with someone for 18 years plus who in fact you don't have time to judge properly. Best to have a DC and then at some point choose the right person to be with once your biological clock doesn't muddy the water and make you rush in decision making. Otherwise you are making major life decisions for you and your DC on the basis of the equivalent of crazy Christmas Eve shopping.

I asked my husband on either date 2. I was 35, absolutely determined I wanted kids so had been researching doing it alone and was ready to start that process. So by perusing things with him I’d be putting those plans on hold a bit and I needed to know if that was the right thing to do.

I was really blunt and just asked ‘do you want children and do you want them in the next couple of years because otherwise this is a bit of a non starter’. We laugh about it now, but it somehow wasn’t awkward or anything at the time. DH said he was very much on the same page, we moved in together around the year mark and once we’d adjusted to that (which was a big adjustment not gonna lie!) we started ttc. It took 4 years to get pregnant so I’m really glad we went for it.

I agree with all pps. I was in a similar position. He actually brought it up (I think date 4) but I knew by him sooner that that's what he wanted. It actually sounds like you are both on same page but you do need to know for sure.