Why did I say anything

[gotalovemesomeseahshells]

Hi I think I done something incredibly stupid lastnight and I'm worried now that it's going to change the way my fiancé sees me , I have had loads of issues as a child and teenager all self destructive. I'm having therapy now and feel a lot better about things.

I have always wondered wether I was sexually abused as a child . I will explain more in my replies but rushing because I'm in work . For the past few months i have been having some kind of flash backs or memories of something happening but I can't put my finger on it .

Also the man in question is now dead but he also had been accused of sexually assaulting a baby

Iv been wanting to tell my partner how I have been feeling for a while but just didn't know how to come out with it so while we were eating dinner I mentioned it and I wish I didn't . He seemed pretty abrupt with me and said that if it didn't happen that I would of remembered and that it wasn't true . He then just seemed really off with me for the rest of the night

I feel pretty anxious this morning and feel so embarrassed. Maybe I am making it up in my head . I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced this at all ? Thankyou

I don't think you need to be embarrassed.

He didn't react great.

Though I don't think that's entieu all his fault. If it came out of the blue, while you are out at dinner it can be quite shocking. Especially, if you have been together a long time and its not something that you have never said before.

It can also be very confusing, if its the first time hearing it and the other person is confused about it too.

Is he usually supportive of your issue if you need to talk? If so, I would try and find some time to discuss again.

But don't be embarrassed, sometimes these things come out in circumstances where its probably not the best situation. But that's not your fault. It's just how things played out. It's not your fault

What!!! You have been brave enough to speak with the person closest to you to tell them this and they have told you its not true......... you are not in the wrong he is and you should speak to someone else regarding these fears and feelings that something has happened to you. Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed

It’s really hard to tell as we don’t know you both. He may be a bit of a shit or he may have simply been caught off guard and reacted poorly

In terms of you it maybe you’re very unwell and heard about the baby accusation and thought me too, or this maybe something you’ve struggled with before

I think maybe going to therapy to understand your thoughts and what’s causing them would be the better route forward.

That seems like a very fucked up reaction on his behalf. I can assure you that you may not have remembered it. Kids have an amazing way of altering memories to protect themselves. I was the victim of a violent SA at 14 and am only now at 49 having clear flashbacks of the event which are entirely different to what I had previously thought had happened.

Thankyou all for your replies . He's not supportive of anything at all so I really don't know why I said anything . I won't be telling anyone else but just really needed to say it out loud . We were eating dinner at home when I said . When we sat back down I could sense the atmosphere had changed so I said don't mention what I just said again ok , he replied ok and that was that .

Please don't marry him.

@gotalovemesomeseahshells

Thankyou all for your replies . He's not supportive of anything at all so I really don't know why I said anything . I won't be telling anyone else but just really needed to say it out loud . We were eating dinner at home when I said . When we sat back down I could sense the atmosphere had changed so I said don't mention what I just said again ok , he replied ok and that was that .

In that case he really shouldn't be you fiance. He shouldn't be in your life. Never mind worrying about if it's changed how he sees you.

You may feel its impossible to split. But you should not marry him.

Don't marry this man.

I'm on my break now so can give a bit more information. When I was young and your talking 3 onwards I knew everything about sex . I was petrified of men . Wouldn't let male doctors near me I would be hysterical. To this day I won't have male dentists , doctors ect . My father randomly said to me years ago if this person had done anything to me because he went to court for abusing another child and your mother still used to leave you with him . I asked my mother and she said he was accused but she didn't believe it . I hated this man growing up and I didn't know why. My mother used to have him pick me up from school and I would leg it through the lanes not for him to see me .

I really do appreciate everyone's replies . I honestly never thought it would of been the way it was last night . I can now see why people don't speak out .

I'd be thinking "projection" with that reaction tbh. Some kind of guilty conscience.

Please don’t marry someone who’s as unsupportive as this.

I don't think an unsupportive man will understand this to be honest.

You wouldn't remember something that happened from such a young age and we will never know whether it did or not. His reaction says a lot and I wouldn't waste any more time with him.

There was a thread on here a few days ago asking why people always say LTB, and the point is that as an OP continues to post ot shows more and more why the relationship is unhealthy for them even if the initial problem they post about isn't necessarily a dumping offence. I think this may be an example.

So yes, he could have reacted without thinking but you then mention he is unsupportive overall, shut you down and you now don't feel validated or confident in mentioning your suspected abuse again.

It's obviously impossible for anyone here to confirm whether or not you were abused, and I'm not sure it would be ever possible to be 100% certain. However he is not correct in saying 'if it happened you would remember". People repress memories, this does happen and you have concerns that you need to work through with a therapist to. Please don't feel discouraged from doing so by his reaction. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, whether or not you work through this and still feel the abuse happened. This is something that needs discussing for your mental wellbeing.

I would be thinking very carefully about whether you want to marry a man who cannot handle difficult conversations and support you in difficult situations, even without warning.

He’s wrong.
He’s wrong to say if it had happened you’d remember.
He’s wrong to react in a way that has compounded your shame and fear.
He’s wrong for you and you shouldnt marry him.
He’s wrong and you are NOT.

You need to think about why you think you've done something wrong in asking your partner for support and understanding with something you're struggling with.

Maybe you're aiming way too low with this guy. (Possibly because of childhood experiences that make you think you don't deserve much).

It certainly sounds like there was something in your childhood and it might be a good idea to talk to NAPAC or similar to work through your feelings.

And you need to step back and reconsider why you're wanting to marry someone who is generally unsupportive of you, as well as handling this subject poorly.

@FangsForTheMemory

Please don’t marry someone who’s as unsupportive as this.

Awful person

Why would he react this way especially when very vulnerable

So sorry 😞