Patterns of behaviour?

[Namebunny]

Thanks to you amazing mns, I’ve learnt about DARVO which has literally changed my life.
Are there any other patterns to watch out for? That people do for good or not so good?
It could be very useful to know!

Love bombing,
Blowing hot and cold,
Negging,
Oversharing early on (in order to get you to overshare in return).

Finding yourself on a merry go round of trying to prove your innocence/loyalty/love/trust/innocence/goodness/honesty with them. For example, they may act like they don't believe some little thing that you've said (and make a huge deal of it) so you find yourself being extra, extra honest about everything incase they 'misunderstand' again. Yet, they STILL find fault.

And if ever find yourself trying to 'find the right way' to explain to someone why obviously shitty, hurtful behaviour is shitty and hurtful-run. Becayse you should never have to explain that to anyone. They get it, they just dont want you to know they get it.

Oh and 'I'm a narcissist' or 'my ex says I'm a narcissist'. Run.

Whats negging?

Love bombing is a big one

People will literally tell you about themselves shortly after meeting them not in a straight forward manner, but by the stories they tell. No idea if this goes for women too, haven't dated any. Just have your radar high, I was an utterly naive idiot when dating, but even my hmm radar was pinged.

Don't ignore subtle signs.

What is DARVO please

Deny Attack Reverse Victim Offender

@InsanityOf2020

Whats negging?

Things like backhanded compliments or just outright insulting you.

I'd add Gaslighting to the list.

Declaring their ex was a "psycho" or that all their exes seem to have been "psychos".

Being rude/dismissive to service staff.

Lots of big romantic gestures (might be genuine but more often than not is all a big drama from someone who gets a thrill from a new exciting partner; these "romantic" types often turn to arseholes as soon as the initial excitement fades and the relationship reaches a more settled phase. Either that or its all about how they want to present their image - love and care aren't really a part of it!)

Derogatory language about women or a particular women. Eg, name dropping about a celeb being a 'slut'.

Another one is when early on they say something like 'have you ever considered dying your hair blonde?' (Or any other change to your appearance). Like, bro, why are we on date two and you are already suggesting I change something about me in order to be more attractive for you? (Of course they don't tend to explain that way, but it's geared to make you think 'am I not enough?' if you have lower self esteem).

Also, taking a (pergwps obscure) phrase you have said and repeating it back to you word for word - as if it was their idea or sentiment. Big red flag. It can be later on the same date or on another day. This could fall under 'narcissistic mirroring' but its also of key importance when they do not give credit. You'll see narcissists in the workplace do this a lot, steal other peoples good ideas and not add 'Sarah was just saying...' beforehand. But you can see it in dating them too.

Rather than spotting patterns in other people, focus on your own feelings. If someone does something that makes you feel bad or weird, tell them that that's how you feel. If they keep doing it, leave; that behaviour is more important to them than your wellbeing.

That's everything there is to know about boundaries. You don't have to know or understand lists of 'abusive behaviours'. You don't have to control anybody. You don't have to have arguments. If you follow it, you will filter out not only abusers, but also incompatibles. You will spend hardly any time in your future with people who behave in ways that make you unhappy. You can apply it to jobs, colleagues, friends, family, relationships.

Boundaries are the key to happiness: Accept what you enjoy, and discard what makes you unhappy. Everyone gets one chance, because you can't expect people to read your mind about what your boundaries are. But once you make them aware, nobody gets to continually piss you off.

@InsanityOf2020

Whats negging?

Insulting compliments, like 'Wow, you're really clever for a woman.'

Oh and failing to appologise when most people would. Eg, they show up late for the date and aren't aren't even sorry.

Some of them will test you early on with lost of little things they should say 'sorry' for but don't. To see how poor your boundaries are.

Saying "I love you" on the first or second date.

I will add
Big compliments with no follow through i.e "you're stunning, you're a goddess" but not touching you even for a kiss.

Keeping their wallet in their pocket and looking aghast if you ask for a financial contribution

Doing something and then when you question them, they swear blind they haven't done the thing you've just seen them do. You then become frustrated, start crying, get angry, and then they tell you (and others, unfortunately) that you're being irrational. It's the most terrifying thing and the only solution is to withdraw completely from people who gaslight in this way.

Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer - the Karpman Drama Triangle.
There are 3 positions, and there can be 2 or 3 'players'. Each person is assigned a starting position. As the drama unfolds, people move positions; so the original Rescuer can end up feeling like a Victim. Or a Rescuer can go over the top and end up in the role of Persecutor.

Once people reach their 'goal position' they feel satisfied, the drama has ended and they move on, until the next opportunity to act out.

You cannot 'fix' people and they cannot 'fix' you.
This goes for any addiction, personality trait, mental health issue etc.

Wow, this is fascinating.
I’ve just heard of how we hang on to stuff - if your off on hols and someone offers you £200 to get on a plane that will get you there just ten minutes later than your plane, you’d probably accept.
If you’re on the plane, in ‘your ‘ seat and someone says here’s £400 to take the next plane, you wouldn’t, apparently. Because now the seat is’yours’ and you’ll work to keep it.
I’m wondering if that’s a thing we do in relationships too?

I think that might be 'sunk cost fallacy'?

''The Sunk Cost Fallacy describes our tendency to follow through on an endeavor if we have already invested time, effort, or money into it, whether or not the current costs outweigh the benefits.''
thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy/

Lots of the suggestions above are v good and I wish I'd heard about these behaviours earlier in life, it would've saved me a lot of trouble!

I would add: making a big fuss about their own morality and righteousness. "I would never...", repeated obsessively about things you didn't even bring up, means they have done that thing and they will do it again, most likely to you. Later on it becomes a form of gaslighting: once again they repeat "You know I would never..." while they are doing the thing under your very eyes.

Ha, I know that one ArdeaCinerea!
And I’d never heard of negging, but what a great phrase.
I think these labels make it so much easier to spot what’s going on.

Just re reading. Thanks, I’m hoping this is as useful for others as it is for me. I’m struck of course by thefoundations wise words. Very true!

thedecisionlab.com/reference-guide/
May be useful? Seems to have a lot of behaviour patterns on it though not necessarily relationships