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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it me?

13 replies

Tenbyfive · 14/10/2021 23:21

I'm 40 in two months' time, and I'm trying to understand what happened in the last two decades.

I've had multiple failed relationships since the age of 18:

First relationship lasted 3 years from 18-21, he went back to his home country.
Second, from 24-26, emotionally abusive
Third, from ages of 28-30, emotionally and sexually incompatible... moved in with him as I was in a very precarious financial position - mistake
Fourth, from ages of 31-36 we married. I suspect he is on the Autistic spectrum ...it was an awful relationship, damaging emotionally...nothing in common, argued a lot.
A very brief 4 month relationship aged 37..he was emotionally unavailable as his fiancé had walked on him without a reason ..it was an intense relationship where we'd discussed the future etc
A situationship from 37/39 with a man 12 years younger than me. He was emotionally volatile... We were at different life stages so it didn't progress.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Am I complete lost cause? I also struggle to maintain friendships... I've been single for a year now and terrified of dating again as I can't seem to function normally in a relationship, and I'm embarrassed to disclose the extent of my failures to anyone.

I've also had numerous jobs. I've never been dismissed but I've never had a job lasting more than 2 years. I manage my finances well and own my own home ...
It isn't adding up and I don't know his to fix it at this point...

Thank you for reading

OP posts:

Sakurami · 15/10/2021 00:20

I've got some friends who have similar relationship history. There is nothing wrong with them, they're amazing women in every respect but relationships just haven't worked out for them.

HollySass · 15/10/2021 00:34

What do you mean by: can't seem to function normally in a relationship?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2021 00:38

How were relationships modelled to you as a child? From your history, it seems that you might find dysfunction "normal."

Seeleyboo · 15/10/2021 00:48

@Tenbyfive

I'm 40 in two months' time, and I'm trying to understand what happened in the last two decades.

I've had multiple failed relationships since the age of 18:

First relationship lasted 3 years from 18-21, he went back to his home country.
Second, from 24-26, emotionally abusive
Third, from ages of 28-30, emotionally and sexually incompatible... moved in with him as I was in a very precarious financial position - mistake
Fourth, from ages of 31-36 we married. I suspect he is on the Autistic spectrum ...it was an awful relationship, damaging emotionally...nothing in common, argued a lot.
A very brief 4 month relationship aged 37..he was emotionally unavailable as his fiancé had walked on him without a reason ..it was an intense relationship where we'd discussed the future etc
A situationship from 37/39 with a man 12 years younger than me. He was emotionally volatile... We were at different life stages so it didn't progress.

Thank you for reading

This is me in a nutshell.

altmember · 15/10/2021 01:02

Maybe you've just been unlucky, maybe you just attract 'wronguns' (or they attract you)? But you are the common denominator in all these relationships, so perhaps you do need to look inwards rather than outwards. Maybe your expectations are too high, maybe what you're getting back is appropriate to what you're putting in.

Very difficult to gauge much from a couple of lines of info from a complete stranger on the internet. Especially when most of it is about them and not yourself. But I am picking up on the friendships and jobs thing, does sound like there's a connection in your behavior/experiences there, so could well be a common issue.

Also of note that every ex partner you've mentioned is 'emotionally something' - abusive, volatile, unavailable, incompatible, damaging, volatile. Seems relevant, but I don't know what it signifies?

Maybe try some wellbeing courses - self critical, self improvement type stuff. Sometimes, sitting round a table with a bunch of strangers discussing yourselves in a deep and meaningful way can be eye opening.

TedMullins · 15/10/2021 01:46

Can you give some examples of the kind of things that happen in these relationships? Like, what are the sources of disagreement? What do you mean by ‘cannot function normally’? Can you define any behavioural patterns other than ‘they didn’t work out’?

sunnyzweibrucken · 15/10/2021 01:49

You are not alone and I’m a decade older than you. This is very similar to my relationship and job history. My longest relationship is 4 yrs and I have never been employed at the same job longer than 4 years. I don’t tend to maintain friendships either.

I’m now trying to accept that I am one of those people who is just relatively unlucky in love, with jobs and friends.

Opentooffers · 15/10/2021 01:50

Sounds like you've hung onto inappropriate men for too long, thus wasting time. The first hint of abuse, chuck them back - it shouldn't take 2 years or more to suss this out. Decide what qualities you would like in a man, and if they don't have them, don't date them. Maybe you've gone along with whoever fancied you - did they all make the first move by any chance?
The job changes, only you know the reasons for them, but at least you've maintained your income enough to live reasonably, so you are not disfunctional, maybe not found your niche or have difficulty working out what it is you do want.

yellowpigeons · 15/10/2021 03:05

I know the answer to this one! Well, all but the jobs bit. You need to learn how to make friends properly — to really connect with the inner part of people as friends. I think all good, lasting relationships must have a component of friendship at their core and so if you get that working you’ll suddenly start seeing the right men, like a magic eye picture!

RelapsedChocoholic · 15/10/2021 09:59

I’m similar to you op, in my case it’s a protection mechanism.
I don’t trust anyone to not leave/hurt me eventually so I leave first, don’t attempt to make friends, leave jobs because they don’t need me, only pick relationships where it won’t hurt when they leave. Basically doing everything to avoid any rejection by taking control and doing it first.

This might not be the case for you, but thought I’d share in case it resonates

Counselling is the only thing I think will help me, unfortunately I’m still looking for a good fit (and the rejection issues also impact my ability to trust the counsellor too so bit of a catch-22 but I keep on keeping on!)

TheFoundations · 15/10/2021 11:59

You're not a lost cause and you can fix it. I know this because you're me a few years back. I had a year's counselling, and this is what I learned:

Yes, it was me. It was me doing the things in relationships that were demonstrated to me by my parents: arguing, staying together when I was miserable, dismissing my feelings because it was more important to keep the peace by not rocking the boat.

The only thing I needed to change about me, 95% of the time, was my partner, or the people I chose to spend time with.

The only thing wrong with me was that I thought there was something wrong with me; this meant that I accepted faulty relationships that made me unhappy, because, obviously if I was the faulty partner, then I'd have to accept a faulty relationship.

Compatibility is EVERYTHING. Compatibility means that when you are with the person, their views and behaviours fit with yours, so you don't end up exhibiting all the unpleasant bits of yourself that come out when you're 'rubbed up the wrong way'. Unless abusive, your previous relationships (and mine) were nobody's 'fault'; everybody was just being their own lovely self, which is bound to piss someone off.

Boundaries. This is future happiness in relationships, jobs, friendships, everything. It's massive, and it's nothing like the mountain to climb that it's made out to be: Spend time with people who make you feel happy. If somebody does something that makes you feel unhappy, calmly tell them, once, without blame. If they keep doing it, knowing it makes you feel bad, walk away. That's it.

If you'd done 'boundaries' before, you would have left all your partners at the first sniff of trouble. You would have spent less time being triggered into being your least favourite self. You would have been free to meet more people, and give them the chance to make you happy.

The main thing is that it's not your 'fault', because, like everybody else, you will have learned your behaviours from (probably) your parents, and you've been following the example you were set. That's what humans are deigned to do. You did it right! It is your responsibility to sort this though. Start dumping people. Start leaving friends. Make space for people who make you happy.

And keep reminding yourself that everybody behaves unacceptably if they're forced to be in a relationship with an incompatible partner for too long. We all go bananas if we keep on and keep on being pissed off. The trick is to stop forcing yourself to be in that position.

TheFoundations · 15/10/2021 12:02

@RelapsedChocoholic

I’m similar to you op, in my case it’s a protection mechanism. I don’t trust anyone to not leave/hurt me eventually so I leave first, don’t attempt to make friends, leave jobs because they don’t need me, only pick relationships where it won’t hurt when they leave. Basically doing everything to avoid any rejection by taking control and doing it first.

This might not be the case for you, but thought I’d share in case it resonates

Make your single life absolutely gorgeous.

You will care a lot less about somebody leaving you if your other option is a gorgeous life that you utterly love.

What are you doing to make your single life put a smile on your face?

litterbird · 15/10/2021 20:04

I have had a very chequered history with relationships too OP. However I have been with the same company for 33 years and have strong friendship groups that are still around after 30 years. So, it doesnt seem to matter about work and friendships I still have had a disastrous stream of men. They are mostly unavailable men that I go for. I have had so much therapy I could write a book about it! Yes, it stemmed from my unavailable parents when I was a child. I am in my late 50s now and never married but I am in a steady relationship with yet again with a slightly less available man than I have had in the past and we have a good connection now. Its hard OP to look back at my life but I have had to accept who I am, accept that despite my therapy I will be attracted to a man that might be unavailable emotionally, but because I have accepted who I am I am a peace with it and probably the happiest I have been for many years. I worked on building a good single life and worked at continuing the long standing friendships I have and worked hard in my career. I have learnt something from every relationship I have had however short they have been, my longest relationship is 5 years. I am now at acceptance with everything about myself and let go of my inner critic that I have not been in a long standing successful relationship.

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