Should I Just Go Quiet?

[waydowninkokomo]

I've been single for 5 years and I'm a bit out of the loop with online dating and texting.

I recently met someone online and he seems to tick all the boxes. He works shifts in a hospital quite far away so we talked about meeting when he gets some holiday.

Recently I've been initiating contact with the messaging and then we chat for a while and seem to click.

I don't want to look like I'm chasing. Should I back off for a while and see if he gets in touch? Maybe he's not really that into me. He's probably keeping his options open and I should too.

You should always do what you feels best however I've have done a fair amount of online dating and find if they really want to meet me they'll be offering to meet me within a few days, the time wasters or not that interested don't seem to give you a day/time. Waiting for his holiday does seem a bit vague and how does he expect it to progress if he can only date in his holidays.

It's a personal choice and what kind of relationship you're looking for but if they are at quite a distance from you then it's difficult to meet often, are you bothered by that?

Quite a distance away, works seemingly odd hours, doesn't initiate contact... I'd not bother tbh. If he's keen, he'll make it known and will make you a priority.

Don't let yourself not be a priority.

Agree with a previous poster that the ones who have an intention of meeting you are v keen to arrange the meet up after chatting a couple of days.

If you're always initiating you wouldn't know if/when he wants to speak to you or if he's responding out of politeness. I would hold back a bit.

He works shifts in a hospital quite far away so we talked about meeting when he gets some holiday.

So you're proposing meeting him 4 times per year?! (OK, I know you probably meant the next time he has some holiday. Which could be next April, depending on his role.)

If you can't meet easily within the next week, forget it. He's just killing time with you.

Are you sure he’s not married? Shifts and vague promises of meeting up sometime in the future sounds like he is married

It doesn't matter if he is married or not. shift work far away isnt going anywhere anyway.

Leave this one, he will leave you waiting and it will become frustrating. I met a few like this OLD, could never meet up due to work or having to help a parent on the weekend seems to be another good one. The men that want to date you will arrange it firmly, a lot of them just like texting it seems.

Thanks for the replies.

I think he is genuine and distance wouldn't matter that much as I can work anywhere.

My gut instinct is that he has got other options and that is all part of dating really. I won't make contact again and will see what happens.

I don't want to look like I'm chasing. Should I back off for a while and see if he gets in touch? Maybe he's not really that into me. He's probably keeping his options open and I should too

This is game playing. The only thing you should want to 'look like' is yourself. Find someone who offers what you want without needing to test them. It's very unhealthy, and if you're at the stage of needing to 'test' them, the relationship is already a dud.

Definitely keep your options open and contact other men. That doesn't mean you necessarily need to stop messaging this man though.

@TheFoundations I don't think it's that complicated really. I just don't want to bother someone with messages if they are not all that interested.

I'm the sort of person that would message every day even if it's just a quick hello and how's your day going? I'm a bit out of touch with dating and suppose some people don't feel the need to message frequently.

If you're 'trying to look' a particular way, you're playing a game. If you're thinking of pulling back 'to see what he does', you're testing his behaviour.

It isn't complicated, and lots of people do it. But lots of people are in unhealthy relationships.

If you're the sort of person who likes contact every day, then make contact every day. If he doesn't like it, he won't reciprocate. Do what you do naturally. The right people will stick around.

Sounds like a complete waste of time OP if all he can manage time wise is when he has time off. Surely he doesn’t work seven days a week? What about weekends or days off?

Personally I’d shut him down.

If you're not going to meet soon, it's pointless chatting.
You don't know him, so you are not going to stay over at his place or in a hotel the first time you meet in real life as he's a stranger and it would be dangerous. That means you don't need to take time off to meet up, as the first meeting will only be for an hour or two anyway at most.
You won't know for sure if you are interested until you meet, so if you chat for weeks without meeting that opens you up to disappointment and/or having to work out how to break it to him politely that even though you have just spent a month chatting about his childhood pets, you aren't actually interested in a second meeting.

Be bold and upfront, just ask him what he is feeling

I think I've realised he's just not that into me. Story of my life lol.

Were you that into him? Had you met him?

@DrReginaPhalange

Be bold and upfront, just ask him what he is feeling

Don’t do this. Sounds like they hardly know each other! Just leave this one and see if he steps up to arrange a date. Some guys like pen pals on OLD. Time wasters

Stop the watering and see how many dead plants you've been trying to save.

In other words, yes, step back, and see what happens.

What does he do? Doctor / nurse or other HCP?

They all know when they're on or off and many a doctor / nurse has managed to get married and have a family so it is an excuse.

Also how far away is he?