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Original poster

Should my brother go back to his wife?

16 replies

Rosebella215 · 13/10/2021 14:03

Hi everyone,
Just wanted some advice please r.e my brother who is all over the place currently.
He has been with his wife for 10 years (now 31) and they have a 4 year old son. He has been very unhappy for the past 2/3 years. Both him & his wife have lost significant amounts of weight over this time however this has resulted in her gaining a lot of new found confidence (great) however now everything seems to involve around her and she will go out drinking / partying with friends constantly. My brother works shift work which varies week on week and will often work extended shifts to provide for his family etc. He earns excellent money and they live comfortably.
However on weeks when he is home of an evening she will fill it up with going to the gym / seeing friends etc and then never spend any time together, even at weekends she will have made plans. She works 2 days a week however my brother also does ALL of the housework and looking after their son as she is hardly home. This has now built up over the years and he has been left feeling like a ‘doormat’ his words not mine. He feels she likes what he provides and doesn’t love him for him. He has brought this up multiple times but she insists she is happy and things will change for a short while then revert back to her old ways. He has tried making plans recently himself of an evening. Nothing major just seeing a friend for the cinema etc however she will make a fuss and say she doesn’t want to be left alone. This whole ‘one rule for her another for him’ is what recently opened his eyes, and after feeling very low about his life for a good few years he had a serious chat with her and said he needed time away and left.
He said he felt a weight lifted off his shoulders and has been regularly seeing his son still living with our parents until things settle and he can sort financials etc. A recent development has since come out that she had cheated on him twice, one recent despite telling her how low he was feeling and wanting to spend time with her and another a few years back. Weirdly this hasn’t affected him significantly as I feel he had already clocked out of the marriage many years ago.
Sorry this was soo long but now here is the issue! He genuinely thought she would move on and be happy as all her recent behaviour (all be it when they were together) pointed towards this but she is begging for forgiveness and for him to come back. Emotional manipulation has been incredibly strong using their son saying how he misses him terribly and it’s causing loads of behaviour issues. He has said that he will have their son as much as he can but now all of a sudden she seems to want to spend all her time with her son, despite most weekends leaving him and my brother to it!
I can tell he doesn’t want to go back but he is feeling incredibly guilty towards his son as he was the only happiness he had from life and I’m so worried he will go back because of this.
What are everyone’s thoughts? She seems totally different person and insists she will change now as her eyes have been opened (I think she thought she could do no wrong and he would never leave) but now he has…

OP posts:

OttilieStonelady · 13/10/2021 14:04

TheAverageUser · 13/10/2021 14:08

No, she sounds self absorbed and like she's using him.

grapewine · 13/10/2021 14:08

No. He can take care of his son without being with her. Don't let him be a doormat again.

Opentooffers · 13/10/2021 14:24

I think the best option would be 50/50 child care split. EOW should be the max as it's going to hamper your DB's ability to move on inf he never gets a weekend free. Also, your SIL could do with a wake-up call and have some responsibility to her DS laid at her door of a weekend.
It does sound like she's taken your bro for granted and done whatever she liked, it's about time kama bit her in the backside. Your SIL will try to be seen as the main parent meantime, as she will know that she will get more CMS in future if she has him more. She may change for a while, but maintaining change is less common and your bro should at the very least sit back and observe her attitude for up to a year before judging any change as meaningful - whilst having relationship counselling, if he is determined to give it a do.
IMO, better off without her, also DS is better off with 2 happy separate parents.

StartingAgain6369 · 13/10/2021 14:36

@Rosebella215 great post

No no no, don't let him go back, he can do it, it won't be easy but he can do it

JudgementalCactus · 13/10/2021 14:38

Nope

pointythings · 13/10/2021 15:08

No, he should definitely not go back. He deserves better.

ChargingBuck · 13/10/2021 15:10

but she is begging for forgiveness and for him to come back
She is longing to carry on working just 2 days a week, have all her bills paid, & a husband who acts as her domestic skivvy.

now all of a sudden she seems to want to spend all her time with her son
Is this done to prevent DB having contact, or is she tagging along to DB's contact time?
Either way, manipulative as fuck, & using the kid as her pawn.

She seems totally different person and insists she will change now as her eyes have been opened
As heard by every cheating DH, ever, on this board, once he's rumbled & might lose his comfy domestic set-up.

ArranMumma · 13/10/2021 15:16

She won’t have changed, she will be happier without him too - she just needs to get over the change in her circumstances. She’s scared so she’s begging for him back but she obviously doesn’t really love him or she wouldn’t have walked all over him and cheated on him. Give her time and she will realise she’s happier without him and he will realise he is happier without her.

GreyCarpet · 13/10/2021 15:22

I presume he knows you've posted and will see these responses?

She has taken him for granted; used him financially and cheated on him.

There is no give or take and she hasn't had a change of heart because she misses and loves him but what he does for her akd want she gets out of being with him.

His son will be missing him, of course, but children adapt and your brother deserves a good quality of life too. What his son needs is stability, predictability and continuity. All of these can be achieved by separated parents.

I managed it for mine, as did many others, and he will too.

There is not a chance that, in his shoes, I would go back.

Original poster

Rosebella215 · 13/10/2021 15:58

Thank you all for your responses and @GreyCarpet yes he does and I will certainly be showing him everything now!

I don’t think he will go back tbh. He’s like a new man and he always said he pictured his future with just him & his son in it for a long time now. I think he still mourns his ‘old’ wife before she changed so dramatically and perhaps that’s what he finds hard sometimes but he spent years loving her but disliking her, and now the love has gone and he’s made the move.

@ChargingBuck when it is his time to have his son she will message within an hour of him having picked him up asking if he is ok etc saying how they are really close now (bit ironic considering she never checked up on her nights out). She will say he doesn’t see him enough on the weeks he’s working all evening so can’t but then if he wants an extended weekend say Friday to Tuesday it’s too much! It’s early days though still and I’m sure arrangement can be sorted out fine. But I think she’s someone who he needs to let calm down properly before he starts setting things in stone or she will be a nightmare!

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 13/10/2021 16:04

when it is his time to have his son she will message within an hour of him having picked him up asking if he is ok etc

I wouldn't be answering if I were him.

I've never called my exh when he's had the children unless there has been a need to - I don't even call to ask if they're OK if they've been under the weather.

That's his time with his son and his time to be a parent.

She's deliberately involving herself in their time together when she does this and it's not on.

If I were him, I'd not answer and tell her that it's unnecessary and he'll call if there is a problem she needs to know about. Eg he's had to take him to hospital. Anything else can be fed back to her when he takes his son home.

He needs to put boundaries in place now. She's been calling the shots for too long.

GreyCarpet · 13/10/2021 16:06

She will say he doesn’t see him enough on the weeks he’s working all evening so can’t but then if he wants an extended weekend say Friday to Tuesday it’s too much!

She's being very silly! And playing a silly game. It's far better to be accommodating and flexible to unavoidable changes in routine. She might want him to have an extended weekend at some point and she'll have shot herself in the foot if she keeps this up.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 13/10/2021 16:10

Of course she wants him back. Who's going to do her housework and fund her lifestyle? She will actually have to look after their child as well when it's her time as he won't be in the picture.

Your brother is doing the right thing.

ChargingBuck · 13/10/2021 16:44

saying how they are really close now

Jeeze.
She imagines it's a virtue, to only now feel close to her 4 year old child?

Agree with PP - DB has no need to answer her calls when he is in loco parentis. It's pure manipulation, & it's good both you & he can see that.

IrishMel · 13/10/2021 18:38

No way should he go back as the trust is broken, lies, gaslighting etc but one bit of advise he does need to get sorted is mediation if she is willing and if not legal advise on dates/times for him seeing his son. Or else she has all the control. All is fine when they can speak to each other ok but if she turns on your brother she can change her tune. I would say the exact same thing if this was a man who had cheated and then started acting like father of the year. Needs mediation or legal to have times he sees his son so this is what they have in place which is fair. She will not change and sees him as someone who is or was always there but he was right to leave as sounds so selfish always out and never spending any time with your brother. But please give your brother advise but don't get over involved unless he asks for support.

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