Moody partners

[TrackyBottomsTuckedinSocks]

How do you deal with it? We've been together 30 years, generally a good healthy relationship. He works hard, great dad, love us all. BUT behind closed doors he is a mood projector. It's not intentional to upset me/DC (teens) but it definitely lacks control. When he's happy, it's great (he projects that mood too) but if he's POd then he's like a dementor sucking the mood from the room. The 'leave him' advice isn't really what I'm after - what do you actually do to make/help someone get a grip of themselves? We've talked about it, he's not depressed (he's not) and always promises to sort it out, but never really does. It's not often, maybe once a month and generally starts with work stress and being tired. He's turning into my grumpy FIL (learnt behaviour etc) and that alarms me greatly!!

Mine gets told to get the fuck out of the house and do something to cheer himself up if he’s being ridiculous. Obviously it’s ok to be moody occasionally, but if he’s just being a baby I just chuck him out for a skate. Usually sorts him out.

TrackyBottoms

re your comment:-

"It's not intentional to upset me/DC (teens) but it definitely lacks control. When he's happy, it's great (he projects that mood too) but if he's POd then he's like a dementor sucking the mood from the room. The 'leave him' advice isn't really what I'm after - what do you actually do to make/help someone get a grip of themselves? "

Oh but it is intentional, do not kid yourself it is not. You do not behave like this around the DC and I daresay your H does not behave like that around his work colleagues or to anyone else in the outside world.

You may not want the "leave him" advice but its something you're going to have to seriously consider here if you do want a life of your own without this crap in it. You've already spent 30 years together, do you want to spend the next two decades plus living like this too?. Changing one aspect of your own behaviour is hard enough, expecting and or asking someone else to change theirs is an impossible task. Your H does this because he can, he feels entitled to do so and it works for him. Something he also learnt from your FIL who I see without surprise is the same. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look what his taught him.

Also writing such about not necessarily wanting leave him advice makes you look defensive of him. You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Examine your own reasons far more carefully as to why you do not (currently) want to leave him; is it really because of fear of him, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, the kids (who BTW will not say "thanks mum" to you for remaining with him), a lifestyle you wish to maintain?. All of this and more besides can play into such thinking but no obstacle is insurmountable.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. Chances are they could well go onto choose mood hoovers or dominators themselves as partners; its really no legacy to leave them. Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Make some choices with you and your kids in mind; put yourselves first rather than your H.

I would also suggest you read "Living with the Dominator" by Pat Craven. It likely describes your family home life to a tee.

If you are determined to stay with him and have your children continually exposed to it, it will damage them and will become a HUGE part of their memory of their childhood.

You need to shine a big light on it.

Minimising is even more damaging.

Start announcing to the whole house that "Dad is in yet ANOTHER one of his unpleasant moods, sorry guys, don't pay any attention, leave him to it. Sorry guys I know its very unpleasant, just avoid him until he gets over himself".

By you naming it and telling it like it is, you give them soace to talk.

I would warn your husband that this is what you intend to do as you have no intention of allowing his awful behaviour to ruin anymore of your teens childhood.

It won't stop him but it may give him pause for thought.

He is spoiling their childhood, make NO mistake about that.

Many, many people as well have work stresses and get tired but do not go onto act like your H does. Even once a month is once a month too many times and I would reiterate he likely does not behave like this in front of his work colleagues or around people in the outside world. He is probably all sweetness and light to them. To a dominator man like your H, the image of a "family man" is all important.

I also take the view that these men do not act this way around their friends or their work colleagues - why is it ok to do it around their partner and children? it is possible to control such a mood. he chooses not too. In fact he chooses to behave like this.

And it just makes it miserable for you (and your children) not knowing when he will be in one of those moods. doing your best to not trigger one, and having to avoid him when he's in one. It's a miserable way to live. I have stopped short of calling it abusive but it definitely can be.

I personally haven't put up with it in relationships, and certainly wouldn't put my children through it. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

Oh just to let you know, your children will likely be very harsh when they leave home and critique their childhood.

You won't escape their harsh opinions.

My friends father was grumpy and it wasn't until her parents called to her home one day, and he was moody with her toddler that she took the head off him in no uncertain terms.

She told him to take his mood out of her home and if she ever saw a hint of it again she was finished with him.

She made it very clear to her mother that she wasn't welcome either.
She was furious.

I think her mothers displeasure towards him must have finally registered because although she kept them at a bit of a distance, she never had any further problems.
She just never allowed her children to be hugely involved with them.

His moods had ruled the house.

@Attilathemeerkat excellent post.

what do you actually do to make/help someone get a grip of themselves

Nothing. Why do you think it's your responsibility? He is responsible for his moods. You are responsible for absenting yourself so that his pissed off-ness doesn't result in your pissed off-ness.

When he goes into a mood, just walk away and tell him to let you know when he's feeling better. How do you think he'd respond to that approach?

My dad (now 72) is exactly the same...the slightest thing sets him off in a huff.

We just leave him to it, its easier for all involved and he comes out of it in his own time.

I wish I had a solution!

Not to derail your thread OP- and yes my partner can be a moody bugger too and far more frequently than yours appears to be but I’m always amazed at the response from
People who say no moods are acceptable, no disagreements, no negative emotions within your households ever from partners — I genuinely am interested - are many of you married or partnered to absolute even tempered sweeties with no vices or are you all secretly single/divorced and are just projecting the ‘ideal’ but it’s theoretical— because I have honestly even at 59 never known any men who don’t have moods, don’t occasionally make you want to bury them under the patio and don’t want to get out of as much housework as they think they can get away with and that’s 2 husbands, one live in partner plus assorted relatives and friends partners. The only one who was Mr Sunshine turned out to be a prostitute using arse, who was horrendous to hisxwife when she wanted out and he was no longer ‘perfect’ in her eyes.

@tarasmalatarocks

Not to derail your thread OP- and yes my partner can be a moody bugger too and far more frequently than yours appears to be but I’m always amazed at the response from People who say no moods are acceptable, no disagreements, no negative emotions within your households ever from partners — I genuinely am interested - are many of you married or partnered to absolute even tempered sweeties with no vices or are you all secretly single/divorced and are just projecting the ‘ideal’ but it’s theoretical— because I have honestly even at 59 never known any men who don’t have moods, don’t occasionally make you want to bury them under the patio and don’t want to get out of as much housework as they think they can get away with and that’s 2 husbands, one live in partner plus assorted relatives and friends partners. The only one who was Mr Sunshine turned out to be a prostitute using arse, who was horrendous to hisxwife when she wanted out and he was no longer ‘perfect’ in her eyes.

It's not about not having "negative emotions", it's about being sufficiently grown up to not take them out on the people you're supposed to care for most.

No, of course I wouldn't tolerate a bloke who stormed about in a mood making everyone else in the house feel like shit too. Luckily I have one who doesn't see it is some sort of slight on his masculinity to talk about his feelings.

As others have said, I bet he controls his moods outside of the house, he just doesn’t extend that courtesy to you.

Anyone can be in a bad mood, but they have no right to make everyone else miserable. Personally I wouldn’t put up with it having lived with a father like it and it was very damaging. But if you don’t want to leave, he needs to fuck off by himself until he’s in a better mood and learn to control it. But for my father, I think he enjoyed the power it gave him over us all and I’m suspicious of others too.

@tarasmalatarocks

There's a big difference between 'I'm in a foul mood, love, I'm going for a walk to try and shift it. Do you want anything from the shop?' and what OP is describing. If you've never witnessed the former, you've never met an adult man. Sorry to hear it if that's the case.

As others have written its not at all about "negative emotions". I was going to also write that you've never come across an adult man either.

Moodiness stems from an unwillingness to confront and work through deeper issues. Brooding and blaming others is a way to avoid digging deeper into the inner source of anger and resentment. Moody people avoid facing and resolving their personal conflicts when others accept the blame and cater to them. They get stuck in immaturity and controlling behaviour towards others.

Say calmly
'I just want to stop you there. I notice your voice is getting quite loud and you are starting to rant at me. So I'm going to go into the other room because it's very unpleasant to be spoken to like that. When you are in a better mood we can discuss this topic again if you like'.
Or 'I was sitting here quietly enjoying the evening then suddenly a fairly angry man came into the room and started telling me off for something quite small. That's not a pleasant experience. Could you have found another way to get your point across?'

@AttilaTheMeerkat I haven’t really experienced moodiness as ‘blaming others’ (or specifically me) more as a general Victor meldrew on acid type ranting/venting at the world and his mother. It just happens though that as I’m usually the one to be in earshot as we are on our own these days. My son definitely experienced it when he was at home and he tends to be a bit that way too but only about politics and when driving. My first husband was moody too but more in a went quiet for hours kind of way , if he was feeling out of sorts

Normal ups and downs and having a hard day is in no way connected to a moody man whose moods drags the whole house down and has everyone on edge.

How anyone can compare the two is astonishing.

We are a house of 6, everyone has their cranky moments , but no one's moods dominate the house and drags the whole house down.

It wouldn't be bloody tolerated either.

It's obviously a learned, (and deeply unpleasant) behaviour, and will take time to unlearn. If you were to point out to him, that he is turning into his dad, would that have any effect?
As has been said, everyone has their moments when life is stressful, or they are not in the best of form. But taking it out on others, especially you and the children is just not acceptable.

I spent 24 years married to someone like your husband. Good luck fixing him. After the marriage ended and I no longer felt the stress from walking on eggshells all the time, I wondered why I stayed. Life can be so much better than that.

Wow @TrackyBottomsTuckedinSocks Seems like you took the words straight out of my mouth. My husband always has a frown upon his face and generally is a moody person. When his happy he projectiles his happiness everywhere. Like your husband my husband is not depressed and an amazing Dad to our LO and an amazing husband to me.

I'm starting to pick out parts of his life that make him moody, for example when he is in contact with his family (He says they make him happy, but I think they stress him by unloading all their grief and troubles to him) he is a listener and genuinely cares for his family so he will not stop talking to them or reducing contact with them.

His also much happier when his actively doing sports, i.e. badminton and football. I'm buying him a Fitbit to encourage more activities, he normally does his sports around our lifestyle so in no way is he avoiding his responsibilities.

But I'm genuinely a happy person, I always smile and love my house being full of laughter, but I don't know why but my husband is just a generally moody person. I wish he was happier as it would make my life so much more happier.

I completely agree with those saying it's OK to have negative emotions and to feel down and grumpy sometimes - we all do - but that is totally different to taking your mood out on other people.

As adults, we know when we're in a bad mood and we make sure we don't bring other people down with us. We think about what we say. We take care not to raise our voice. We might laugh at ourselves and say 'ignore me - I'm having a bad day!' if we snap at someone. It is never OK to take our mood out on someone else.

Those people who do take their mood out on others are not acting like mature adults. They are petulant children who think if they are suffering, everyone should (or, more likely, who don't stop to think about other people's feelings at all). They tend to be selfish people who think the world revolves around them and their feelings.

And you won't be able to get him to 'get a grip'... I assume you've tried telling him what effect he's having on you and his family. Beyond that, he is a grown up who is responsible for moderating his own feelings and behaviour. As others have said, what would he do if his friends or work colleagues dropped by? Would he shout at them, be grumpy? Ignore them? Or would he make an effort and moderate his behaviour?

Well I wasn't quite expecting those responses (or maybe I was?) but they floored me tbh. I've been in a spin the last few days. I'm not sure I'd describe him as an abuser, but childish definitely and I realise I've allowed this to happen.
So this morning when he huffed because I made a slight noise on the landing, he bloody got it!! With bells on! Basically told him that although I DO put up with his moods, I don't actually HAVE to. That I'm sick sick sick of walking on egg shells and from this day on I will never do it again. He kept trying to turn the tables but I wasn't having it. Yes I ended up snotty ugly crying (and may have had a complete potty mouth) but I actually feel 10 feet tall.
Never underestimate the power of your words on here ladies - it sounds so sappy but I wouldn't have had the strength to call him out on it if you hadn't have offered advice

Good for you and well done👏👏👏.

I bet that felt fantastic, so cathartic for you.

So good for your children to see this.

Tell him again later.

Repeat it for effect.

That you are SO DONE with his moods and that he needs to look at moving out to live on his own.

That you no longer want to share a home with a moody man.

Tell him his behaviour is abusive and that you have the decision that YOUR children are not being exposed to his bullshit moods ANY LONGER.

Let him see your fury.

His behaviour is disgraceful and he has got away with it for far too long.

The truth is you probably would be happier if he didn't live with you, but letting him know clearly you that you are done with his behaviour will be very good for you and your children.

Men like him destroy childrens childhoods.

All they remember is this bad tempered man whose moods dominated the home.

It will also leave them super sensitive to moody people and often leaves them as people pleasers, which is awful.

Keep posting.

I'm not defending him, but his behavior is childish and sulky, not really abusive. He won't have ruined the DC childhood because we generally have a great time and we're all close, but more likely they'll remember instances when he was a dick and think of him accordingly. I wouldn't be happier if we weren't together, he's a good man in every other respect, but I would be happier if he wasn't a mood hoover/fun sponge when he's on one - and I will make sure he knows it.

The truth is that he's got so much more potential as a human being, rather than being a moody git. I'm seeing it much more like enabling a tantrum toddler by giving them sweets - I'm not doing it any more. People behave to what is tolerated and I need to show my boundaries.

Well done on calling it. Now do it every single time. What was his reaction? Be prepared for him to up his game though if this is no longer working for him. If contempt has set in for him then he might start implementing silent treatments. Nip that in the bud if he does. You’ll soon find out.

Mmm, you say originally his mood is because work is stressful or whatever and like all the other posters I wanted to say how interesting it is that he can probably control himself at work but not at home.

But then when you lost it with him today, it was because he got huffy with you about making a small noise on the landing? WTAF? I mean, that's next level controlling behaviour right there e- if you don't do things exactly the way I want them done, I will b e moody and off for hours/days. which is worrying.

But well done for telling him you're not going to put up with it any longer.