quitting alcohol

[Namechangedforthethousandthtim]

Last Thursday I quit drinking and I just want to tell someone, as I don't want toale too much of a big deal of it IRL! Feel a bit sheepish that I even need to quit drinking and also can't believe I didn't realise before.

I started drinking around 15 and drank a LOT until my mid-twenties. I was shy, and alcohol became my prop - a way to meet and bond with people and open up and be able to talk and laugh when usually I felt constantly awkward.

I put myself in a lot of danger at times, and behaved recklessly and embarrassed myself so many times.

I don't drink so much any more. I'm a mum, and have a good job and a lovely husband, so can't. But here's the problem:

• If I COULD, I would drink every day
• I genuinely feel the most myself after a few drinks.
• I am uncomfortable in social situations without alcohol and don't know how to behave.
• I instinctively turn to alcohol in any situation - when celebrating, when sad, when angry, when frustrated, etc
• and also for any event - birthday? Funeral. Promotion? Got fired? Anything, I'll drink.
• I go through phases where I need to drink every day for a while. Because of my children and my job, I buy beers and will drink 1-3 per night for a while (when the kids are asleep). I stick to beers so I don't get drunk. But it becomes a habit and one which is really hard to break again and it's a daily battle not to go qnd buy more alcohol when it's finished!
• Other times, I won't drink for a long time but then a social event will come up and I will drink a LOT. My tolerance is very high, it's not like I am hammered and embarrassing myself. But I can really put a lot of drinks away, and feel awful and depressed for a few days.
• The thing that worries me is my attitide to alcohol. I don't know who I am without it. I've always been scared to quit because without alcohol I literally have no idea... Who I am? What will I say at social events? I won't even be able to go, right? I've never turned down a drink in my life.
• It also worries me that alcohol is such a prop for me and I turn to it so often ro support me through everything.
• It also worries me that I crave alcohol sometimes (often?). I mean, I've never been someone who wakes up and has a drink but after work, when the kids are asleep, it's so hard not to have a drink.
• My conscience has been nagging at me for a long time now. Deep down I know I have a problem with drinking and that my emotional and personal dependence on it is not normal.
• My husband doesn't drink and isn't comfortable with how much I drink - not because I'm rowdy or embarrassing but because once I have one I always want more, and it worries him.

I am a good mum, and my children never see me drink, or aren't cared for because I am hungover, or anything. I can hold myself together very well these days. It's more about feeling like I am one step away from just falling down the rabbit hole. Even if I'm not yet an alcoholic (am I? I don't even know how this is officially defined), I'm definitely not safe from becoming one.

Alcohol killed my uncle and my grandfather and my brother is also a very heavy drinker. We didn't know our grandfather, and barely knew our uncle - could this still have somehow passed on to us? Thinking about it, our parents both drink pretty much daily. But it never seemed like a problem because they're very a bit posh and their daily drinks would be something very naice and good quality so embarrassingly it's only when writing this that I've realised they might have problems too, but I never paid much attention to it I think if they were drinking the equivalent in cans of cheap lager or somethinf I'd have noticed that they might have a problem too.

Anyway. Please be kind! I just wanted to get that all out. Something has really snapped in me this time, and I've never been this serious about quitting before, or made the effort to actually see it through. Does it sound to you like I have a problem, or am I just overthinking things? I almost want to hear confirmation that I DO have a problem and that I DO need to quit, because I need all the motivation I can get. Although at the same time I'm not crazy about the idea of hearing that for obvious reasons.

I also want to ask, if you have quit drinking for similar reasons, what happened to your social life? Do you just keep busy with wholesome activities? Does it work? I've bought a bike and a tennis racquet - two of my (very neglected) hobbies, to try and give myself something else to do with free time so I don't feel tempted to drink.

I know this doesn't really belong in relationships, but this is a really understanding and supportive board so felt less nervous to post here, and I just needed to tell SOMEONE all of this.

Well done you

Your body, your physical health , your finances , your husband , your children , your mental health , your clarity , physical appearance

All will be much better off with you giving up this poison
Are you an alcoholic? Who knows , it sounds as if you are high functioning , managing life well

So was my father - until one day he just wasn't and it all fell apart

You've taken a very brave step so I wish you al the very best to continue 💐

So was my father - until one day he just wasn't and it all fell apart This really summarised my worry. I feel like when it comes to alcohol I'm always just one step away from it all falling apart. When I drink I'm like a different person and I feel like at any moment that other person might sort of take over!

Thank you so much for your reply, and I'm sorry about your dad. It made me think how much I hope my children never need to say the same thing about me

I relate to a lot of that, OP. Well done in making the decision. Come and join us here if you’d like:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4364798-The-Freedom-Thread-Enjoying-the-positives-of-an-alcohol-free-life

Given that this is about your relationships - with yourself, with alcohol and with your DH - this isn't an inappropriate place to post.

I do think you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. 'Alcoholic' is a shorthand term that isn't always useful, but given that you're using alcohol to manage your life, you're certainly in a situation where it's a problem for you. Your family history is absolutely relevant; alcohol problems do run in families and where that is the case, you are at increased risk of having problems yourself. This is why my DDs are teetotal - their father was a full blown addict.

I think you would benefit from some support to explore why you are using alcohol, so I don't think AA is necessarily the best thing for you. I'd consider two things:

• Contact your local wellbeing service if you have one to access counselling
• Look into SMART recovery - it's a CBT based approach to managing recovery

The fact that you have such clear insight is a really good sign. Admitting you have a problem really is the first step. Good luck.

Morning!

I had a very similar relationship with alcohol to you by the sound of it, the only difference being that I'm currently pregnant with my first so prior to this I didn't have any real reason to not get drunk (despite the fact it was quite clearly impacting my mental health significantly)
I did finally manage to stop drinking for about 6 weeks before I got pregnant, but what I will say to you is don't be hard on yourself if you struggle to give it up and end up drinking again, because that may well happen. It took me about a year of trying and failing to give up alcohol before it stuck, and even that was massively helped by the fact I'm pregnant and obviously can't drink anyway.
Regarding socialising, this is totally a mental thing. I used to think that there was absolutely no way I could socialise and enjoy things without drinking, but now that the option has been taken away from me I've found that actually being sober has made very little difference and socialising is still enjoyable. One thing that helps with that is planning activities other than going out to bars, like going for coffees instead or a lunch date.
There is a massive sober community on Instagram which I found really helpful along with some really helpful books on sobriety- my favourite book is the Sober Girl Society by Millie Gooch, that really helped me!

I know where you're coming from.

Alcohol has had devastating consequences for my family. My Father has an angry, violent alcoholic who was an appalling parent. Frankly, it was a relief when he died. My sister is a highly functional alcoholic who holds down a very well-paying job, but I see her every night put away at least a bottle if not two of wine - it will kill her. My brother-in-law is a knuckle-dragging neanderthal who cannot handle his drink and who destroyed the relationship between our families by assaulting my wife and me one night, getting himself self arrested and me having three stitches. He went on to assault his son, attempting to strangle him one night - nice!

You'd think after all this I'd be tea-total, but I'm not! I really enjoy a good drink and have alcohol an average of 4 nights a week. It's a constant battle I have with myself. I would love to never see another drink again in my life. But I don't get blotto and I've now learned to have a couple of beers or glasses of wine and then stop - I never used to be able to do that.

I am so aware of the problems alcohol has caused in our family but I am in enough control to know my limits now. I talk openly to my kids about the dangers of alcohol and they both know that they too will need to keep an eye on their drinking as these things tend to run in families. I find talking about it really helps me.

I too wish I could give it up for good. I love and hate it in equal measures.

It sounds like you have some social anxiety. Have you considered trying antidepressants? There's no reason you should have to white knuckle it if you're having cravings & feeling uncomfortable in your own skin.

Well done Op, you have the insight to see how it's affecting your life and the potential of it ruining your life if it gets out of control. I'm in the same situation and it got worse over lockdown. I was still working (NHS) and homeschooling amongst a few other very stressful life events and alcohol became my crutch. I've always been a drinker (never really Monday to wed) but always over the weekend and suddenly I was drinking every day and one bottle was never enough.

I would have to take bottles to the recycling centre as our bins would fill up; that was a sign I chose to ignore until my DP mentioned it. My children have commented on how much wine I was drinking. I stopped last Tuesday after waking up with anxiety and dread about the day ahead and something snapped. The first few days were hard but I feel better this week.

I worry about socialising as it's such an huge part of meeting friends - we all love our wine. I have decided to lie low for a while and lick my proverbial wounds. Best of luck to you and anyone else thinking of quitting.

Well done you!
I'm an an alcoholic I'm recovery and I found a lot of similarities in your post to my relationship with alcohol
I'm glad you feel better for stopping.
AA keeps me sober, going through the 12 steps was better than any therapy I'd ever engaged in.
Everything in my life started making sense, why I drank, why I used alcohol as a coping mechanism
It taught me I didn't have a drinking problem I had a thinking problem.
Alcohol was just the substance of my choice that brought me to my knees.
I'd used food, shopping, relationships and lots of other things to change how I felt, I discovered a pattern to my behaviours
Maybe consider a AA zoom meeting, see if you identify with anything that is said
Maintaining your sobriety is something that sometimes needs some support

Well done OP, you should be proud of yourself. It sounds like you might have a problem or at the very least are on the way to a serious one. Recognising that is a huge step, not to be underestimated.
My experience in brief, is an alcoholic father who despite not being violent or aggressive still helped make my childhood awful with deep seated psychological scars that I'm left with today.

My partner is a drug addict, who is in recovery now and from our journey down that road, so far, we would both tell you its the most positive thing he has ever done.
But quitting is a slow process, giving up the alcohol is just the first step. Talking to people helps. Having therapy may help too. Not rushing back into the social situations that are triggers for you would be a good idea, and learning to step away, physically leave a situation if you need to is also really important.
My partner would tell you that waking up without the guilt or shame you may feel after drinking (or using drugs in his case) is the best part. Feeling good about yourself, and knowing you're being the best mother and partner you can be is a great feeling. He also didn't know who he was without drugs, but he's found himself again, a better version, and I'm sure you can do this too. Activities and hobbies are a good idea as you've mentioned already.
Take it day by day, you really don't want to go down that rabbit hole, I can tell you, its like living in hell, not just for you but for your kids and husband too.
Keep going OP, you want to do it and you can, there is literally nothing to lose and everything to gain x

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for the replies. It's really comforting to read them! I am so happy I posted this.

@SparklingLime, I will definitely join you on that group. I just read the OP and it sounds perfect. The OP actually really struck a chord with me where it mentioned one of the good things about quitting drinking was not having to decide whether to have a drink that day or not. I feel like literally every day I was counting down the hours until I could get home and have a drink, and constantly trying to work out what excuse I could give my husband that day to justify another bunch of unnecessary drinks. I'd even try to coax him into drinking with me and brand it as a fun thing to do together - like, go for cocktails for date night, go to a restaurant just as an excuse to drink wine. But I feel awful now to admit that it was never about spending time with him, it was always just an excuse for me to have guilt free drinks.

I feel like I am seeing clearly for the first time in years. So many things are starting to make sense, or maybe I'm just finally admitting them to myself. It's only been a week, so I'm not getting ahead of myself. But I think this is the first time I've ever been honest with myself, and like @pointythings said, this is the first step!

Thank you @pointythings for your advice. I will look into both of those services! I do think that getting behind WHY I use alcohol is really important. I think it is definitely something I need to work through otherwise it's going to be an awful lot harder to quit.

@Kayl23 Congratulations on both your pregnancy, and quitting drinking! I never managed to quit except when I was pregnant, so it's great that you quit before pregnancy.

Actually, thinking about it, pregnancy was the thing that stopped me being, what I now consider, fully crazy! Before pregnancy, I was out of control. I could literally black out, and wake up with no memory of the night before, and be literally vomiting all day, and feeling SO ashamed of myself... and the way I'd deal with this was to have another drink the next evening. If I humiliated myself in front of someone, my tactic to get over it was to get a bit drunk and see them ASAP, so I didn't feel mortified because I was drunk, and then it was out of the way and I didn't need to worry about bumping into them. I am cringing typing this!

Anyway, thank you for your advice, I'll try not to be too hard on myself if I break and have a drink! But I'm quite 'all or nothing' as a person, so it worries me a bit. Like if i'm on a diet and I break and have something naughty, I'll be like "Well, I've ruined it now, might as well eat literally everything in the world!" So I think if I do break, it will probably take me a while to get on track again. I found your words about socialising encouraging! I think it will be a long time before I can go back to a bar again, or anywhere with alcohol. Oh gosh! The idea is quite intimidating.

@smoko, I did have really bad anxiety for a long time, it would manifest with very physical symptoms. There were times when I'd physically black out during panic attacks, or be unable to see, or walk, etc. My GP knew all this but wouldn't give me medication. It's definitely partly why I started drinking. I really found that drinking not only got rid of any symptoms I felt, but also stopped me feeling anxious in the first place. I tried to get help from my GP many times, but they always flat out refused me any kind of medication. I'm still not sure why.

I empathise with your post. Every word of it.

I gave up booze for a dry January a couple of years ago and it totally changed my attitude towards booze.

I've never quite cracked the sober socialising thing though. Lockdown was great for me. I never ever drink at home now, can't imagine anything more pointless! But I still drink when I go out with friends. Luckily (?) I can only handle a couple of drinks and would be falling over after 5 drinks, so it's pretty low-key.

I have realised that the first drink is the only good one. Everything after that is generally chasing that initial rush, or trying to prolong it, and doesn't work.

Hey am not in your country, but that doesn't sound right to me.

If your GP won't help you then you should look for a new GP & seek someone who can & will help you.

Maybe push for a referral to a psychiatrist or go see someone else as your GP sounds hopeless.

The only reason I can think that they'd refuse you meds is if you were asking for valium.

It would be negligent for a GP to let someone who said that had anxiety/depression go & refuse medication to treat that.

Not drinking has really made me realise how many women my age (middle aged) drink a LOT. Like, a LOT LOT. It's always wine. I guess nobody thinks wine is an alcoholic's drink, but women j know are getting through 1-2 bottles of wine every night, with more at weekends. Wine is STRONG when you look at how much of it is in a glass. I read somewhere that a bottle of wine is the alcohol equivalent of around 5-6 pints of beer.

Luckily, I don't like wine much. In my 20s when we went out for work drinks I noticed it was always the girls sitting round sharing bottles of wine that would end the night falling over, arguing ,or crying. I never did that on my 4 G&Ts. (But I'd be sick if I had 5.)

@Cantdoitallperfectly Thank you for your reply too! These are all so helpful to read. When your husband and children pointed out your drinking, did you get defensive? Reading your post made me think about how defensive I would get whenever my husband would even acknowledge my drinking. I think that's a sign that I knew it wasn't okay but wouldn't admit it.

I really feel for you when it comes to dreading socialising. My friends are the same, all drinkers. When I think about my friends and the fun we have having a few or a million drinks, it makes me feel like quitting might not be possible. I genuinely do LOVE drinking and chatting and having a laugh, it's like the basis of all of my friendships, and I feel almost guilty for ruining that? I also find the idea pretty terrifying. Alcohol has pretty much been the way I've made friends, and spent time with friends, for the past 15 years. My entire adult life, I've never been without alcohol. And I do also genuinely get on with other drinkers, I suppose I feel like they're "my people" in a way. It makes me feel a bit sad to think about this. I hope you (and I) can both find a way to navigate quitting alcohol considering how much it features in our friendships. It's a tough one.

And thank you @Dothedo! I am so happy for you and your partner that he is in recovery. I do think that waking up without shame is one of the biggest perks. I just hope that I can remember how good I feel every morning, every evening!

Your comment about your father really made me think, too. I always made excuses that I'm not affecting my kids because I'm not violent or aggressive or passed out in front of them - but thinking about it, my behaviour WILL affect them, especially as they get older, and start to understand more. And I definitely want to quit before it gets to that point.

@Name99, I didn't realise AA had zoom meetings! That's so interesting and definitely something I will look in to. Do you know how I can find out more? I feel like you're totally right that maintaining sobriety is something that I will definitely need support with. It's only been a week, and I really feel like I need to connect with people about it, hence why I wrote this post. And just reading these has been a HUGE encouragement, and also made me feel a lot better. I don't think there will ever be a time when I DON'T need to be open and honest about this with people, just to make sure it's real to myself and I'm taking it seriously. I have always genuinely got on best with other people who drink a lot too. I have always just felt comfortable around them and enjoyed their company (alongside many drinks!). I feel like if I'm going to stand a chance of sticking with this, I'm going to need to really connect with other people who are in the same boat, and who will make me feel like I can't give up giving up.

One thing that worries me a bit at the moment is that I can't bring myself to say any of this out loud to anyone in real life. I feel so sure that I am serious about it this time, and yet I don't want to tell anyone any of this, and I can't help but wonder if it's because I'm embarrassed, or because I don't want anyone to give me a hard time if I feel like I need a drink and the temptation is too much. Do you think it's a bad sign about my intentions? How does AA view the importance of openness? I expect very highly?

Sorry if that's a silly question. I feel like I just need to be told this stuff so that I have it there, and add it to my collection of motivation and not allow myself to lie to myself or hide from this anymore!

Thank you again everyone. And sorry I've written an essay. I wanted to reply to you all as you've all been so open and helpful x

@MyAltAccount, I missed your comment. I've just seen it, and it's really interesting. It's really good that you have control of your drinking now! I know what you mean about loving it - and I do genuinely LOVE it! - and hating it in equal measures. I have seen the damage it does to people and I hate it, but I always saw myself as separate from that. Like, oh, those people can't control themselves, but I can. But recently I think I've realised that I actually only have a very limited, extremely fragile control on my drinking, and even that comes and goes and is at risk of disappearing altogether at any point I wish I could get to a point of control like you have!

@MyAltAccount, I missed your comment. I've just seen it, and it's really interesting. It's really good that you have control of your drinking now! I know what you mean about loving it - and I do genuinely LOVE it! - and hating it in equal measures. I have seen the damage it does to people and I hate it, but I always saw myself as separate from that. Like, oh, those people can't control themselves, but I can. But recently I think I've realised that I actually only have a very limited, extremely fragile control on my drinking, and even that comes and goes and is at risk of disappearing altogether at any point I wish I could get to a point of control like you have!

If you go on the AA website, to the find a meeting function and type ONLINE into the postcode box you will find online zoom meetings.
The only requirement to attend an AA meeting is to have a desire to stop drinking
I understand how you feel about telling people, I was exactly the same I didn't want the label of alcoholic, part of the AA programme is admitting it yes, but your more than welcome to attend meetings and listen, no one is going to make you speak.
Maintaining sobriety is very important, you've stopped which is amazing but what will stop you drinking again?
Identifying the reasons and triggers is essential and I find this is what AA does for me.