I can't do this relationship thing.

[abandonship85]

Hi MN,
Name change for this one.
I posted recently about meeting a great guy & feeling like he's not going to stick around (I have been in abusive relationships, awful dating history, single mum with limited free time...)
Got some great advice on here around taking it easy & enjoying the early stages of dating.
I've been having such a lovely time & we have now hung out more than ten times from coffee meet ups to staying at each others houses three times.
Strong connection, feel safe & happy with him.
Last weekend was the first time things got a bit weird. There was an incident where I was massively triggered by something he did. He didn't do anything threatening, wire the opposite (just something he said) but I freaked out, burst into tears & told him I couldn't carry on seeing him anymore. It took me back to an abusive situation I was in 7 years ago. He held me, we talked it through, he said all the right things & was amazing, supportive.
He called me later on to see I was ok.
Yesterday & today though, the chatty texts seem to be on hold, & I am all over the place. Highly anxious, trying to avoid looking at my phone & feeling completely shit.
I feel like he's going to end things (whatever things are? We are dating but I have not liked anyone this much in a really long time)...
I think I'm damaged from other relationships & experiences. I always run away/end things when I get an inkling that they might do the same to me. Apparently I'm a 'fearful avoidant' in terms of attachment in a quiz I did recently,
I am terrified of rejection.
I can't do this dating/relationship thing, can I?
(I'm only saying relationship because that's where I thought it was going... felt so confident & happy two months ago. Now feel like a nervous wreck)

I think you can if you are willing to tackle your triggers and learn how to calm yourself and to change your thought patterns. Right now you seem very ‘all or nothing’, anxious and disasterising - all entirely rational responses to the very real and tough feelings you carry from your abuse.

Therapy can help but in my experience more than that is learning how to calm yourself when you’re triggered, releasing trauma from the body and a real dedication to learning to self-soothe and reassure yourself.

If you can learn that you can not only have a calmer relationship with someone else but a less scary one with yourself.

Thank you @Salayes

Your reply means a lot.

The fact that you're aware of how past experience are shaping your reactions and interpretations in current relationships means that half the work is done. Now you need to learn some coping mechanisms and how to cultivate awareness and not react thoughtlessly when something triggers you.

You are by no means hopeless. We're all damaged in various ways and to different degrees. Relationships are hard to navigate even without prior trauma. So don't write yourself off. Try therapy if you can and do a lot of reading on attachment styles.

Please don't think you're hopeless. A lot of people have trauma and don't even know it which means the same thing happens over and over again in relationships. I think it's worth talking to him more about that. It's your truth and will show that you respect and value him and your relationship to be so honest. Does he still think you broke it off? Does he know you're rejecting him before he has the chance to reject you but that you do very much want a relationship with him? We don't and can't wait until we're all healed to start dating again so there has to be some sort of trust and understanding in allowing the other person or each other the space and support to start/continue their healing. Not meaning he'll be your therapist obviously, that would be unfair.

If he can't or won't continue your relationship then that's his choice, you have to respect that. He does sound very caring and I hope willing to listen to you. It might be a chance to see what he wants as well because that is also very important.

I am terrified of rejection

Why? What would happen if someone rejected you? You're meant to be there to catch you if you fall; why aren't you? What example was set when you were a kid about what an adult relationship looks like? Did your parents have self respect, and respect each other? Did they respect your feelings and make you feel listened to? The abusive relationships you've been in are a symptom, not the cause. The cause , which came first, was what stopped you leaving those relationships before they caused too much damage.

I can't do this dating/relationship thing, can I

Yes, you can. You're not broken. You have flaws and sensitivities like everybody else. The problem is that you view them as being all consuming and ruinous, rather than simple parts of you that need to be taken care of softly and with love.

Don't worry. You'll get to the bottom of it. You are completely responsible for it, which is terrifying, but also very liberating, because YOU ARE THE BOSS.