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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I right person wrong time?

8 replies

Clo296 · 12/10/2021 12:32

I was seeing this guy for 2 weeks. We went on a couple of dates he was lovely we really got on. Came and helped me with my work and I did with his and spent quite a but of time together and both commented how much we had enjoyed each others company. Told our mutual friend he really liked me, didn't want to end up the lonely old man in the pub when he could be with me etc etc. However he was hurt by his previous relationship with the mum of his kids who he has been broke up with for 2.5 years but things are a bit hostile from what I can gather and he is very very nervous and scared of being hurt again which he told me. I am a quite full on and committed person from the beginning and he did tell the mutual friend and me he just wanted to go really slowly as he was scared. I took this onboard maybe a bit too late as after we had had a great Saturday night he then went home and got another telling off off his mum for being late as he is living at home with parents whilst his house purchase goes through. Then from Sunday afternoon onwards he goes quieter and quieter until Wednesday morning when he sends me the fatal I don't think its going to work text you're a great person, I still want to be your mate and will always help you out and it's not me it's you and I don't want to change you etc. I was gutted and shocked because I did think we could work! I had also said to myself that weekend to calm down, back off, slow down and don't mess this up as it could be really good! Too little too late from me!
Then since then he has passed my work twice, I wasn't outside the office or anything or on view and he beeps and waves both times when he could easily have gone past unnoticed, I then put a post on FB of a bike ride I'd been on with a friend and he's the first person to like it and hasn't ever liked anything I have put on FB before, I then drive past him getting out of his car he clocks me way down the street and waves and then walks to go up his drive and then stops and turns round to come back to the road to wave and grin from ear to ear as I drive past and then last night I put a story on Instagram and he replies to that as well!
He has got pressure from his ex, his mum, his livestock needing extra attention at this time of year, 2 kids, just bought a house, loads of work on so am I the easiest thing to go to relieve some pressure but is he keeping his presence known in my life for a reason? Do I send him a message in a couple of weeks to see how he is doing? I'm confused and trying to work out what he is thinking without putting any pressure or stress on him as I don't want to push him away if he just needs time and space?
Any thoughts anyone?

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 12/10/2021 12:45

No, he's the wrong person at any time. He's a fuckwit and you will drive yourself insane trying to analyse him and his motives. If he wanted to be with you he would be so save your energy and angst and move on. You'll be a whole heap happier for it

LemonTT · 12/10/2021 13:59

What on earth pressure can you put on someone at 2 weeks? This is when you would be having a weekly date or 2 at most. If he was feeling it with you he would make the time because we are talking about a small amount of time. I’d say that after 2 weeks he made his mind up. It won’t have been made up for him by his mother or ex. Men don’t roll that way.

The fact you are local and have mutual friends means it’s awkward when you run into each other. Those encounters sound awkward. He doesn’t want to fall out but isn’t going to pursue the dating.

Opentooffers · 12/10/2021 14:01

It was 2 weeks, time to move on. 2 weeks is really not long enough for someone to feel pressured no matter how full on it was - it does sound like you did a lot together in such a short time.
He's shown he's the type to make snap judgements and act before due thought and discussion. You really don't want to be getting close to someone like this, it makes for on/off relationships where your emotions are up and down and there's no security. Best to avoid IMO.

Andrewthecharminbumwiper · 12/10/2021 14:02

Well, it might be that he's got too much on his plate to give a relationship a fair shot but I wouldn't give that any weight in terms of what you do next. I would take his message at face value, he's politely ended things. If he gets in touch in future about wanting to date again, then by all means consider it but ask him what's changed between now and then.

Don't be hanging around hoping that he will change his mind though, you'll only build up an unrealistic vision of him and make it hard to meet someone who matches that.

Also, he seems to be hanging round you a lot more, both online and physically. Don't let yourself be used as an ego boost.

If you're interested in being friends, let that start from him making an actual, friendly and appropriate overture towards you, such as an invitation somewhere, not based on online likes and him driving past your office so he's got someone to wave and smile at. Not saying don't wave or smile, just don't read any significance into it.

TheFoundations · 12/10/2021 14:14

I'm confused and trying to work out what he is thinking

Healthy relationships don't have this dynamic. Why are you considering whether you are the right person for him? The healthy thing to do is work out if he is the right person for you. The right person for you will leave you smiling, every time, and thinking how great it is when you spend time together. You'll feel clear in your mind that they feel the same.

Clearly this is not him. Move on and find people who make you feel happy to be alive. Then you spend more time feeling happy to be alive! It's quite simple.

Pinkbonbon · 12/10/2021 14:15

You went on how many dates?
2 weeks and you are way over invested in this.

And a guy that has more baggage than louis vutton.

Just stop.
Back away from the drama source.

Pick friendships and relationships with men who are not going to cause your life stress.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/10/2021 14:29

Can I just point out, also, that if he 'got a telling off from his mum for being late' after he had been out with you or at yours, then he sounds like he may be something of a mummies boy. IME best not to go there anyhoo!

zonkyzonky · 12/10/2021 14:48

Your post comes across as if you've overinvested in this man Op? Is there an underlying reason, such as you'd like to settle down with someone, have children of your own? You said you are quite full on and committed from the beginning, why is that?

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