If your DP got their act together in terms of the mental load...

[drspouse]

How did you know/facilitate/step out of his way?
My DH used to be great and very equal.
But things have drifted, some things have got more complicated e.g. DS SEN, home learning seemed to have mainly fallen on me, DH has a long term medical condition that leaves him quite tired and he tends to give up on meal planning.
Obviously I am not going to increase my mental load by teaching him how to take on part of the mental load... But I wouldn't mind some tips for working out if we're going in the right direction/what does NOT work.

If he can’t or won’t share the mental load then make him do the work. DH does all the housework and chores and I tell him what to do

I made a list of all the little 'extra ' jobs I do that he wouldn't even see, like cleaning the shower screen, sweeping the porch etc then brandished it and told him he needed to do 1 a day. He does do more obvious cleaning like washing up but I was sick of always being the one buzzing around doing all the stuff that ensures we don't live in a grubby shit hole. Writing the list was actually quite liberating. I also task him with adding 3 meals to our tesco delivery. I guess the fact I have to ask him to do this stuff isn't exactly lightening the mental load but in the long term it has as he's got more of an eye for things that need doing.

I find going out helps. And it has to be long enough for them to feel the consequences.

So if I stay late at work I deliberately come back well after the eldest is in bed, so DH has to see through bedtime and feels the result of letting them stay up too late. And tidy the kitchen too, so if he’s trashed it getting dinner together he sorts it.

Going away for a few days works best. They have to do everything not just get by until you’re back. Really helps DH see how things impact each other better than any conversation.

The book "fair play" is good for ideas on sharing the load, and if you can actually get your DH to read it then you'll be doing better than me.

The issue is not really cleaning, though some tidying he doesn't see/doesn't get done. He cleans some things and I clean others, and we have a cleaner. He's more likely to spot the toilet needs going over and give it a quick scrub or stay up late to empty the dishwasher when we put it on after tea. He remembers the cleaner is coming and chucks toys in boxes, but he wouldn't sort them out or check a game was complete without me asking him to, or work out which ones are too young/need moving to the basement temporarily because they are causing an argument.

Going out or going away doesn't help either as it's all the longer term things like DCs schoolwork, childcare, homework, after school activities, and cooking (me: plan meals for the week; him: it's 5pm, what's for tea, oh I know, let's have a takeaway). We do already go out in turn after DC2 is in bed as too many cooks spoil the broth with DC1's bedtime. Tidying up DCs' stuff (pile on dining table, he removes his stuff and gets to one thing of the DCs and says "that's not mine". Putting away DCs' clothes (the children think he's like Daddy Pig, oh Silly Daddy you put my leggings in DS drawer).
"Where does this stuff go?"
I literally do not care as long as you don't ask me.
"There's no need to be snotty about it".

If "Fair play" has an audio or app version he might read it.

Oh another issue is social media.
I like it for leisure, he's on one FB group for his long term medical condition.
Most children's activities and SEN groups are on FB.
So I have to plan these, contact people, watch for updates (is girls' football moving nights? who can recommend a swimming teacher for DS?)

We each took on roles/jobs at home that we take complete responsibility for. And then we step back and let the other person get on with it, without criticising. We deliberately adopt a “grateful not to have to think about that” attitude.

So as an example - cooking, making lunches, shopping is all part of the same system and something I take care of. He can help but will check in with me, so he’s not interfering with my plans or systems. He acknowledges that there is mental load there and doesn’t add to it.

He takes care of holidays - planning routes, researching places, booking, etc. Of course he listens to my opinions and checks in with me, but he carries that in his head. I wouldn’t just go and book something that might interfere with his plans.

We both can have opinions on what we’d like to eat/ where we’d like to visit but at the end of the day we would fit in with what was organised.

Where we cross paths we try and have systems - even simple things like labels on containers so that we both know where to find the kids uniforms.

I would love to know if anyone was successful. Yes my DP will do whatever i 'tell him to' but I am still the one having to bloody think of EVERYTHING! Argh

@thelegohooverer

We each took on roles/jobs at home that we take complete responsibility for. And then we step back and let the other person get on with it, without criticising. We deliberately adopt a “grateful not to have to think about that” attitude.

So as an example - cooking, making lunches, shopping is all part of the same system and something I take care of. He can help but will check in with me, so he’s not interfering with my plans or systems. He acknowledges that there is mental load there and doesn’t add to it.

He takes care of holidays - planning routes, researching places, booking, etc. Of course he listens to my opinions and checks in with me, but he carries that in his head. I wouldn’t just go and book something that might interfere with his plans.

We both can have opinions on what we’d like to eat/ where we’d like to visit but at the end of the day we would fit in with what was organised.

Agree this kind of thing is the way forward. What is he good at? Make those things his entirely.

I read about this a while ago and am trying to do it more - so things DH does I don’t, or barely, get involved in and vice versa.

OP your description of him only tidying his own stuff and declaring kids stuff ‘not his’ is outrageous and I’d have a serious talk with him about that. He’s not the older sibling in your house hes a parent and tidying the kids stuff is his problem too.

Kids clothes put away in the wrong places. Can you make that his problem? DH helps our kids dress most days so if he can’t find stuff that’s up to him.

Toy organising… a complete set etc. Does it matter? We’re a bit 50/50 on this. Try to keep the pieces together while it’s new. It accept there’s a slow slide to loosing bits.

Give some stuff completely over to him. But that may require you accepting they will be done differently / not to your standard

Some things he will do and not keep asking questions (bills for e.g.).
Others he just refers back to me as the "expert" constantly. Whose trousers are these? Where do DD football kit go? Is this football kit or just a t-shirt? What homework does DS have (IT'S ON THE WALL CHART)? Does DD have swimming? What time? (IT'S ON THE GOOGLE CALENDAR).
It does feel like having an older sibling sometimes. I've just told him if he thinks DS needs more winter clothes he knows where Vinted is.

Toy organising… a complete set etc. Does it matter? We’re a bit 50/50 on this. Try to keep the pieces together while it’s new. It accept there’s a slow slide to loosing bits.

This is OK for Lego etc. but for board games if it's not all there, it can't be played with and DS has ADHD and is impulsive and impatient so gets very frustrated if he wants to play with something and it isn't possible to use it. And he makes things worse by having ADHD and not being able to organise himself to put stuff back, find it if he drops a bit etc.

I’m trying to figure this out as DH will say to just ask him to do things and I’m very close to shouting at him that I don’t want to always bloody ask him.
What I have found that works is to say to him what jobs are his in the home and I just don’t do them; I purposefully chose things that if they don’t get done mainly have an impact on him or cause him just as much inconvenience.
With things about the kids I constantly refer him back to out calendar and pretend that I don’t know or can’t remember so he needs to check; it’s starting to work.

With things about the kids I constantly refer him back to out calendar and pretend that I don’t know or can’t remember so he needs to check; it’s starting to work.
Good tip.
I hate having to be the one to put everything in the calendar though...

I feel your pain. I was moaning about Xmas the other day as I actually hate having to buy all the presents every year. DH piped up “well just tell me what you want and I’ll get them”: Ggggrrr…

He doesn’t get that that is the easy part and that it is thinking about what to get everyone is the issue. I buy all his family presents too but if I left it to him they either wouldn’t get anything or it would be inappropriate. I would feel embarrassed if his Mum got something from “us” that I would be cringing over, so I have to suck it up but doesn’t stop me dreading it each year.

@PussInBin20

I feel your pain. I was moaning about Xmas the other day as I actually hate having to buy all the presents every year. DH piped up “well just tell me what you want and I’ll get them”: Ggggrrr…

He doesn’t get that that is the easy part and that it is thinking about what to get everyone is the issue. I buy all his family presents too but if I left it to him they either wouldn’t get anything or it would be inappropriate. I would feel embarrassed if his Mum got something from “us” that I would be cringing over, so I have to suck it up but doesn’t stop me dreading it each year.

No no, definitely up to him to get his side of the family their presents, that's a given.

Not sure if this is what you are asking but I think my husband and I share the mental load quite well. I'm a SAHM but with a toddler at home full time he works full time.

I do majority of children admin eg checking what they need each week eg is it swimming this week at school and get everything together. He sorts out any online kids stuff eg paying for trips, dinners, milk etc

I do meal planning and the online shop he puts it away

In terms of housework I wash and dry clothes he puts them away and irons anything needing it

He takes bins out, does heavy garden work eg mowing lawn trimming hedge. I do smaller garden jobs eg planting

I sort children's birthday and Christmas presents and my side of the family. He sorts his side of the family

I sort car admin eg booking it for service and m.o.t etc and I take it there and pick it up etc. He does all orher things like house insurance and direct debits etc

I asked for a divorce.

Nothing else worked. But that did.

I tend to be the one saying 'what time is rugby again?' and 'is the 25th an inset day?' these days. I feel a little bit of shame about it. But only a little bit.

I'm looking at some of tne stuff and thinking does it really matter? I definitely think what helped in our relationship was that as much as I got DH to step up, I also ditched some of my own expectations. Yes I would like us both to work like I do, but he is not me. He is also my DC parent and he has as much right to choose things as I do.

Does it really matter if the kids get freezer fodder for tea when it's his turn to cook? If they get healthy meal when it's your turn, it balances out.

Does it really matter if the clothes get mixed up? My DH does this constantly.

I'm also going to say something that probably sounds like a bit harsh. But your DC has ADHD. What's the likelihood that you and/or DH have it too? My DS is being assessed currently and it is highlighted a lot in both of DH and my behaviour that makes me think we may both have it (I'm 99% convinced DH has it). But as we've come to adapt to DC behaviour, we are both doing the same with each other.

DH is much much better than he used to be. Amusingly, I think he resents it sometimes a little - like he's doing too much. But I largely ignore it because I know I could point stuff out.

What worked for us over a long time is a few things:

1. he started taking on specific "boy" things years ago. There would be the odd whinge from him about how I never took the bins out or whatever. This would usually lead to be exploding and ranting about all the things I do that he isn't even aware of from cooking, to shopping to planning etc. I think he still feels it sometimes, but doesn't say anything.

1. More seriously, DH had to really accept that there was more being done than he was aware of and then make a specific effort. This is a work in progress. One way I reinforce this is that if things don't go 100%, I refuse to take responsibility or deal with it.

@Enterifyoudare

I'm looking at some of tne stuff and thinking does it really matter? I definitely think what helped in our relationship was that as much as I got DH to step up, I also ditched some of my own expectations. Yes I would like us both to work like I do, but he is not me. He is also my DC parent and he has as much right to choose things as I do.

Does it really matter if the kids get freezer fodder for tea when it's his turn to cook? If they get healthy meal when it's your turn, it balances out.

Does it really matter if the clothes get mixed up? My DH does this constantly.

I'm also going to say something that probably sounds like a bit harsh. But your DC has ADHD. What's the likelihood that you and/or DH have it too? My DS is being assessed currently and it is highlighted a lot in both of DH and my behaviour that makes me think we may both have it (I'm 99% convinced DH has it). But as we've come to adapt to DC behaviour, we are both doing the same with each other.

I think this is great if it works for you but it didn't work for me.

In my view it does matter if one parent makes the effort to plan and cook healthy food (which usually takes more thought and time) while the other just throws some frozen things in the oven. This used to be the situation with DH and me and I resented it hugely - we are both parents and we both have a duty to feed our children properly.

Not sorting clothes properly is just lazy - my DH used to do things like that because he resented having to do it at all and so refused to put any real effort into it. It's juvenile. I bet he doesn't make such stupid mistakes at work.

I agree totally with letting some things go. But accepting immature behaviour just leads to creeping disrespect and resentment IME.

@TheDailyCarbunkle I completely agree. DH used to give the kids treats after school basically every day. And it annoyed me because never mind anything else, it meant I could never be the fun parent delivering treats because I had to compensate for DH. Ditto, while I accept he isn't really much of a cook, I've had to push him to make more effort even if it is frozen chicken breasts, at least ensure there are vegetables alongside.