How to move on from totally unsuitable partner

[Imnota]

Hi I am just looking for tips, suggestions and all round advice from the wise mumsnetters.

I met someone and a relationship developed. We got on fantastically, lots in common, similar morals or so I thought. He love bombed, wanted to progress things much quicker than I did. Around a year into it I realised he drank far too much. Drink driving, violent and mean at times. Trashing my belongings. Rubbish father to his kids just an all round bad egg. We finished and had no contact. Fast forward a few months and he made contact on another platform and you guessed it we reconnected and it was great at first both taking steps to improve and limiting how much time we spent to together but you guessed it, it didn’t last. I’m ashamed to say I did the exact same thing again. I don’t know why because my logical brain knew it was unlikely to end well. I suspect it was abusive relationships are like and I was lured by the good times, because there were some really lovely moments and at times we felt completely connected.

What are the best ways to make sure I never act so foolishly again. This is someone I do not want to be associated with and never want anything at all to do with again.

Block his number everywhere
Block his social media

Write yourself a list of why he’s not good for you

Therapy. I don't think you'll be able to do this on your own.

I've been in a similar situation with an ex of 10 years that popped up again in lockdown. The only way I could move on fully was by blocking his Facebook, his number, and avoiding the places he is likely to go. Out of sight out of mind. And if he comes near my house I dial a number for help. These people are master manipulators and users please stay away

You need to block him everywhere, it's the only way. I've been through this too and he totally did a number on me. It took me a long time to trust anyone after him, but I'm in a very healthy relationship now and very happy.

Yes completely blocked. Is it possible to have his number removed from WhatsApp block list so I know it’s completely gone?

I would really like some counselling but I can’t really afford it right now. I have looked at online counselling but have read mixed reviews. The list is saved on my phone of terrible things he has done really is shocking and I should have run at the first sign, can’t believe someone can be so vile and the lack of boundaries is astonishing.

I’ve been reading and watching online videos of what a narcissist is, how they work etc and I know that word can be banded about but he definitely fits in with a lot of the criteria and I would probably be described as an empath so it’s kind of text book in that respect.

@LittleBirdBlu it’s nice to hear you are much happier now and it is possible.

can’t believe someone can be so vile and the lack of boundaries is astonishing

^Here is the problem. You need to take responsibility. It's not his lack of boundaries that are at fault. There's a million boundary-disrespecting gits out there. You are the one who let this one in. It's your^ boundaries that failed. His are irrelevant (even though they are clearly bad)

How narcissists work is of no use to you. How the abuse cycle works is of no use to you. Those things are about the other person. And whilst it may be their fault, and it may be interesting and validating to learn about them, the responsibility for preventing this from happening again is yours. Fault looks backwards, responsibility looks forwards.

This is how to stop it happening again, and it's VERY simple: If you feel good when you spend time with somebody, spend time with them. If you feel bad when you spend time with somebody, they get one chance: tell them what they did that made you feel bad. Only stay with them if they find a way to make you feel better (ie stop doing it or find a compromise that you like) Otherwise, leave.

That's it. If you want to feel good in relationships, have relationships with people who make you feel good. Doesn't matter how, doesn't matter why. Leave people who make you feel bad; doesn't matter how, doesn't matter why.

Keep it simple. If it's complicated... well, that feels bad, right? So you'll be off!

@LittleBirdBlu

You need to block him everywhere, it's the only way. I've been through this too and he totally did a number on me. It took me a long time to trust anyone after him, but I'm in a very healthy relationship now and very happy.

I've been through it too and have a different take; as soon as you trust yourself to look after you, nobody needs blocking, and if you bump into them in the street you'll just walk away. Blocking is artificial, and needs to be based in the reality of actual knowledge that you're safe. Blocking is only part of the deal.

I'm not challenging you, LittleBirdBlu, I agree with what you've said. Just adding to it. Glad you're doing well now

@TheFoundations that’s a really good perspective. The key will be to establish much better boundaries for the future. Anything I can do to build them water tight will be beneficial.

[quote Imnota]@TheFoundations that’s a really good perspective. The key will be to establish much better boundaries for the future. Anything I can do to build them water tight will be beneficial.[/quote]
Don't question your feelings. You feel bad, you leave. The end. That's it. It's not about 'building' your boundaries or 'improving your ability to enforce' your boundaries. There's no learning curve. You are either looking after your emotional self, or you are not.

See your emotions like a person. A kid, that you're responsible for. If that kid starts crying when you put her on the see saw, you don't question why she's crying, and try to make her understand that the see saw is good, You don't make her feel upset for not liking the see saw. You just take her off the see saw and try the swings instead. That's what finding a relationship is. Don't hang around in places that make you cry or question yourself.

[quote Imnota]@TheFoundations that’s a really good perspective. The key will be to establish much better boundaries for the future. Anything I can do to build them water tight will be beneficial.[/quote]

If you can't afford therapy, maybe try this book

How To Do The Work: The Sunday Times Bestseller https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1409197743/ref=cmswwrcppapiglttfabcRTHC97R6JFV2XVDY82SS??encoding=UTF8&psc=1

There is also a podcast that talks through each chapter