How do you cope with a nightmare ex?

[jenandberry21]

Hi all

My DH has been divorced from his first wife for several years. They share a 9 year old daughter, custody has been 50/50 from day one. The ex is a nightmare, she makes life as difficult for us as possible e.g. doesn’t involve DH in significant decisions like school choices, makes last minute demands on changing days we have DD etc.

Myself & DH are not confrontational people, it makes us really anxious.

My question is how do you cope with nightmare exes while staying sane?! I’m grateful for any advice xx

Is there any reason she is making things awkward? was it a bad break up/unresolved resentment towards your partner. He is fair to his daughter financally? It is a shame because as the daughter gets older she will pick up on the situation and poor relationship between her parents

I'd like to hear more about the school choices and last minute demands - context is everything.

You can't change anyone but you can change what you control. Can you consider if your Dh's interaction with her is a factor? Does he communicate well, openly and respectfully?

Secondly reframe the situation - do you view her as a nightmare because she isn't going along with your plans however does she have her daughters interests at heart? If you assume it's deliberate to cause you agro what is the basis for this?

Could this be very different parenting approaches or communication rather than personal?

If we think we're under attack then we behave defensively and the situation escalates...just asking you to consider if that is the reality.

Very few people plot to cause others inconvenience, its usually lack of communication or consideration

@Fireworksfly I’m not sure why the reasoning behind their break up has anything to do with this question whatsoever

Because if there is bitterness and resentment of a bad break up or affairs /DV this can contribute to difficulties - pretty common scenaruo actually

I ignore him but he never really sees the kids so it's easy

At nine doesn't the child choose there own high school? Mine did

My ex's ex partner was a nightmare, she wouldn't allow him to see his boys and I think the longest we didn't hear from them was 2/3 years.

Now they've split up and ex can't understand why "the boys" (17&21) don't want to see him.

Stand firm.

@PicsInRed

I'd like to hear more about the school choices and last minute demands - context is everything.

Yes me too, particularly the school choices given how catchment areas often play a huge part in decision making.