How to break up with partner

[M1lkyway]

Hi

I know this may seem ridiculous, but I am feeling guilty over needing to break up with my partner through the fear that he won’t consider it a solid ‘reason’.

I know that he wants to be with me but I also know that he is very unhappy alone and I often feel as though I could be anyone, that I’m more just someone for him to seek comfort in.

There is a back story, we share a DD. We split up when I was pregnant because I found him quite emotionally erratic. She’s now 2.5 years old and over this period he’s been a great dad and never let either of us down, very consistent etc. I think this is what has brought me and him closer together and so 3 months ago we decided to give our relationship another shot.

During our period of seperation after my pregnancy he did have 3 different girlfriends and I haven’t been involved with anyone at all.
He said he can see now that those relationships were just him trying to fill a void because he wanted to be with me.

I am a very independent person and don’t need someone else to make me happy, but he is quite an anxiously attached person and it’s really coming to light again now. I thought he had worked on this but he needs constant reassurance from me and I find it really draining. I wanted to take things slow but I know he is desperate for things to progress much quicker.

I am feeling very smothered and I want to tell him that I am not enjoying the way things are as I am finding it very hard work having to constantly pick him up emotionally and reassure him. I’m feeling pressure as if his happiness depends on me and our relationship working and I don’t think that’s very healthy.

The issue is, I am feeling geared up to say this to him later this evening but I know it’s going to cause weeks worth of him needing more explanations like last time and it’s making me quite stressed just thinking about it.

I feel so horrid for getting his hopes up but he did seem really like he had worked on his insecurities and changed but that persona is slipping now we are a few months in and I am seeing the old traits coming through and that’s not what I signed up for this time around.

How do I do this in the best way to minimise the emotional fallout? He is quite impulsive and gets difficult when things don’t go his way, and I am also nervous that he will get awkward with me and DD.

Thanks for reading.

Tell him it’s not working; you don’t need to justify yourself or get into debates about it. It didn’t work last time and it still doesn’t work

Thank you.
It’s hard to find the balance between giving him some kind of explanation for his own closure but it may quickly lead to him demanding further information like last time and I just don’t feel I have the emotional reserve or patience.
I guess the thought of doing it is hopefully going to be worse than actually doing it.
Feel sick.

You’ll feel much better when you’ve done it
Tell him it’s the same reasons as last time
He doesn’t need to agree for you to break up with him

Totally. I feel as though writing this on here is giving myself a deadline and holding myself accountable. I’ve been delaying it for over two weeks and it’s hanging over me so writing down that it’s going to happen tonight is something I have to honour for myself.

Check back in later and let us know how it went

The issue is that you just aren't happy, and that's more then enough reason. It's such a. Tough thing to do, to break up, but in the long run you both are going to be happier. Hoping you're ok OP ♥️

Keep it really simple. Tell him he's a great dad but your relationship has run its course and it's over. Tell him your mind is made up and that it's nobody's fault.

Tell him that the important thing now is that you have a clean and amicable split and concentrate on being good co-parents in the future.

You don't owe him any lengthy complicated explanation. He'll only use it as ammo to try to talk you around and change your mind.

Good luck.

Yes, tell him that.

Thank you all for your input. I’m going to just suck it up and say it later and have to put up a boundary so that I don’t over explain.
I am unsure whether to message him to pre empt that we are going to be having this conversation so that I can’t back out of it. Sometimes I freeze when I know I need to have a difficult conversation.
I will definitely pop back to let you know how it goes. Thank you again.

Do you still love him? If you want to leave because you don't, then that's what you can say - I don't love you anymore but still want to continue coparenting with you as that's the most important thing and we work well as a team

Good luck OP these things are never easy

I would text him as it sounds like he's emotionally manipulative and you may be too nervous or freeze when telling him face to face. He could give you a really hard time.

You don't owe him a relationship or even any face to face explanation.

I wouldn’t

Do you need help with the practicalities? Where are you living and are you an owner or on the tenancy agreement?

I would just text him too. Saying that you don't feel like things have change and found yourself much happier when you were on your own.
You dont need to explain any further than what you've said on here, so if he tries to push for further just stop engaging.

Good luck

Just tell him you're not happy, and you're sorry, it's a deep down feeling that you can't explain. Don't make it anything about him, make it all about you and your feelings.

As soon as you say you feel like he isn't x or y enough for you, he'll say he'll try to be more x or y. Don't give him this option. If you don't specify what's wrong, he can't fix it, or try.

After you've said you don't know, you might have to say it another couple of times, and he might tell you to try to work it out, but you don't have to. Just tell him you don't know, and pulling it all to pieces won't make you feel you want to stay with him, so you don't want to talk about it anymore.

Thank you all very much!
We don’t need help working out housing etc as we are both living separately anyway so that’s one thing I luckily don’t have to worry about.

I feel nervous I’m going to head to the gym and calm my nerves before I go round.
Thank you all again I’ll update on how it goes!

The issue is, I am feeling geared up to say this to him later this evening but I know it’s going to cause weeks worth of him needing more explanations like last time and it’s making me quite stressed just thinking about it.

You must stop thinking you're in any way obligated to provide explanations. You end it and you tell him your decision is final. There will be no discussion on the matter. You're unhappy, the relationship isn't working for you and it's over. If he refuses to respect your wishes, you'll be forced to block him on your phone and only communicate via email for the sake of your child. Do not allow him to manipulate you.

How did it go OP?

Hi all
It went as well as it could. I was just honest and said I can’t continue becuase it’s just not making me happy and surprisingly he was understanding and supportive of my decision.
I feel bad for assuming he would be unreasonable but that’s based on how he has previously acted with difficult conversations.
I feel a weight has been lifted today.
Thank you all for being so kind x

Awww OP I'm so glad you're feeling better. Perhaps deep down he felt it wasn't quite right too.
No breaks up are easy, for either person. I understand where posters are coming from about long explanations etc, but I just wanted to say that out of fairness for both people I do think a chat explaining the decision is really important. My ex husband walked out on me when o was 5 months pregnant, completely out of the blue. I was heart broken and for a very long time I tortured myself blaming myself and questioning myself because he never really talked it through with me. I felt worthless for a long time and it wasn't fair because that wasn't the case. Obviously OP o am not suggesting you or any other user is like my ex, but I suppose my point is that unless there DV or a threat of it, communicating is a really important part of a break up, as hard as it might be.

I am feeling guilty over needing to break up with my partner through the fear that he won’t consider it a solid ‘reason’.
NEWSFLASH
Breaking up with someone isn't a negotiation.
Neither is it a court trial where you have to submit "solid reasons".

The issue is, I am feeling geared up to say this to him later this evening but I know it’s going to cause weeks worth of him needing more explanations like last time
It takes 2 people to engage in weeks-long explanations.
If 1 person simply does not engage, it cannot happen.
You are under no obligation to provide any explanation beyond "this is not working for me".
You do not need to spend weeks - or any time - justifying yourself, negotiating, or being guilt-tripped & manipulated.

When he starts up (& I imagine you already have experience of this from last time), tell him it is not up for any more discussion.
Finish the call, or don't respond to the message, or walk away from his physical presence. Make a conscious decision that you are going to shut that shit down. Make no exceptions - you need to own this 100%, & never get sucked back in to his "I want weeks of your attention while I agonise & make my emotions your problem."

How do I do this in the best way to minimise the emotional fallout?
Short & sharp.
You cannot minimise his emotional fallout, & it's a bit worrying that you are looking to do so.
You can only look after your & DC's emotions & interests.

Get this break up done, sort out the practical aspects, & then get some co-parenting software, & ensure that all comms are kept strictly to this software, & that you communicate only about arrangements for DC.

The above may sound brutal, but he sounds like a fucking drain who's been sucking you dry. It's fairer to both of you to cut this short as cleanly as possible, & not allow yourself to continue being his emotional support human.