Abuse - reporting to police

[NoMoreBS]

I need some objectivity. Yesterday I reported my DH to the police for coercive control. To summarise his behaviour over the years:

• pushed me on 4 occasions, did not result in injury
• controlling behaviour - wants to know where I am at all times, will keep calling if I don't answer
• sexual coercion - says I can't refuse him sex
• anger issues - walk on eggshells, angry outbursts about the smallest things
• jealousy - weird accusations, does not want me shaking men's hands
• threats - some threats of physical violence and a lot of threats to take the kids if I divorce him

I know this all constitutes abuse. There has also been plenty of cheating on his part. But we have two DDs together, is it fair on them that I will get their father arrested, when all in all they have a pretty decent relationship with him? My main reason for reporting him is that I just cannot live with him anymore and my support worker advised that the police route with bail conditions followed by court orders (if no charge) is the quickest way to get this done. I also hope they can deter him from trying to take the children, I know it can get really messy when he has parental responsibility.

The police want a follow up appointment where I make an official statement before they decide to arrest him.

What do you think? Am I putting unnecessary hardship on my children? And despite everything he has put me through, I still feel some guilt towards him as well and wonder if he might lose his job. I am also worried about co-parenting after I've had him arrested.

It's far worse for them if you stay, because they will think this is normal behaviour in a relationship. And it isn't. You're setting them an example of standing up to people who bully and intimidate you, he's the one doing the damage here and destroying the family. Not you. Remember that.

Well done, that's such a brave step and life can only get better

"I know this all constitutes abuse. There has also been plenty of cheating on his part. But we have two DDs together, is it fair on them that I will get their father arrested, when all in all they have a pretty decent relationship with him?"

How old are your DDs here?. Teenage or younger?.

Do they really have a good relationship with him though?. Probably not, they may well just be as fearful of him as you most certainly are. They are likely to be quiet, compliant and act subserviant around him too. They've certainly seen your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to him and have picked up on that.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Would you want your DDs to be treated as you have been in their adult relationship?. No you would not but currently at least, what they have seen and heard at home is still acceptable to you on some level. He being arrested here for his coercive control of you (and in turn them) should be the least of your concerns; your priority has to be your DDs and your own welfare and safety going forward.

I am wondering if you are codependent in relationships too; this concern about him potentially losing his job for instance and having some guilt towards him made me think this. I doubt very much he has any guilt or indeed any remorse whatsoever for his actions; in his head he likely thinks you deserved it. Its always someone else's fault but their own in the abuser's head. Such men too hate women, all of them. If he loses his job he loses his job. His actions and choices caused that to happen, not you.

Where do you see your lives going forward?. Do you see yourself divorcing him?.

What sort of support worker do you have?. I would suggest you reach out to Womens Aid particularly if you have not already done so.

I think if he was out of your day to day lives you and your children would start to recover from his abuses of you and in turn them. They certainly cannot afford to go onto date or be in a long term relationship with an abusive man themselves. They need to learn also that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Women too are not rehab centers either for badly raised men.

Abusive men often threaten to take the children or go for full custody. Its often said by such men to keep their chosen target in line; its a control tactic when they are seeing their grip of control slip.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that was a bit of reality check but I asked for it:)
My girls are 10 and 8. It is so hard not to feel I am breaking a bond when I see how much fun they have with him when they go swimming, playing in the park and such. But you are right that the abuse affects them too and yes they are mostly quiet and compliant around him. I absolutely want to divorce him, right now I'm just focused on getting him out of our day to day lives as you say. I probably am codependent, I plan to have some therapy for myself (and the kids) to unravel some of these feelings and try to find me, i have been with my DH since 16 and I just feel like I've not developed my own identity in all that time. Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.

@BrilloPaddy Thank you, I can't tell you how much a little encouragement means to me right now.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I did contact women's aid and they put me in touch with a local organisation.

Great, hope you hear from them soon.