How soon will it feel better?

[Worndownleather]

My partner of two years has ended it today. It’s been on the cards for a while really, and it couldn’t have worked longer term. I know that. It’s sensible to end it now rather than carry on in something that isn’t viable. But I love them and it hurts, it physically hurts and what I want is to go and see them and hug them tightly because I know they are upset as well.
I’ve got a busy day at work but I’m struggling already.
Any advice? Apart from no contact?

Ime it takes longer if you are still in contact with them, sorry I know that’s not what you wanted to hear

I’m not contacting them but it’s so hard.
They’ve been such a major part of my life for two years, they are the love of my life. I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s true.

Oh OP, I wish I could give you a huge hug. It's awful and terrible and feels like you might die - it hurts to breathe. I've been there, more than once - most people have been there. But the good news is you won't die, you will start to feel better and then you will thrive. I promise you being single is a much healthier, happier place than being in a doomed relationship.

Look after yourself. Treat yourself with the kindness and care that you'd give to a good friend or relative in the same situation. Don't have unrealistic expectations of yourself - it'll be an 'up and down' journey for a time, while you grieve the end of the relationship and the loss of the future you hoped to have.

BUT, two years is nothing in the scope of a lifetime! If you could already see it wasn't right then it was simply that - not right. It's a positive thing that it's ended now, rather than limping on, dragging it out and wasting your time.

Allow yourself some time to mope - you're allowed to feel sad and cry and comfort eat and watch crappy TV. But not forever OP. The rest of your life is ahead of you and the whole world is outside your front door. And I hope this doesn't sound dismissive or minimising of your pain, because it's not my intention - but I promise you, this flash in the pan was not 'the love of your life'. Trust me - I'm getting old and I've been through some shit! There's better to come for you OP.

It will take a few weeks to get through the worst part, you could still be missing him weeks and months later but over time he will stop consuming your thoughts all the time, you may miss him at times or feel annoyed as part of the healing process.
You have acknowledged yourself that the relationship would not of lasted so remember the reasons why and focus on the goals you have in life rather than someone that didn't fit well in yours.

Break ups are hard I find in a month or two it won’t sting so bad but it still takes a bit longer to feel better about things, it does still hurt but at least it won’t hurt so bad.

@Worndownleather
Sorry you are going through this, OP.
I went through a similar thing earlier this year, the relationship wouldn’t have worked long term and it was for the best. It didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt any less, the hardest thing was him not caring anymore. Months down the line and we stayed NC, I like not having to worry about his mind games or drama. I sleep peacefully and do as I please!

Like the PP, take your time to mope around but make sure you pick yourself up. Someone better is out there and you will barely remember this chaps name in years to come!

Thank you.
It couldn’t have worked as our children didn’t get on and my oldest has additional issues - I have to put my dc first, there’s no choice there.
We had a lot against us and I know that there is no other option than to let it be now. I tend to feel like love should be enough, but it isn’t always is it?

@Worndownleather unfortunately we all fall for the fairytale of love being enough, when actually life doesn’t work this way. Everyone deserves to be happy and if this wasn’t working for you both then going your own separate ways is the best thing for you.

No, it’s the first time I’ve ever been in love
It doesn’t happen often for me it would seem, I’m nearly 40!
They love me as well, I know they do, and that makes it harder in some ways.

I'm sorry you're going through a break up. It's always difficult ...I also split up with someone at the end of last year, however the mistake was to stay in contact which has prolonged the paint. No we've gone NC since August and it's been better for us both I believe as we were getting caught in old habits ...

Love absolutely isn't enough. In my case I'd wanted children/family and he wasn't ready, it was still difficult. I've since fine ahead and am currently pregnant with a sperm donor ...it's not what I'd envisaged life to look like but it was the right thing to do in the long run. Your reasons for seeing that the relationship had little potential due to children not getting along are perfectly valid...

Relationships are often revered and their social status prized over being single; if/when there is a next time for me, I'm really going to try something different: together but living apart model? Keep the finances/properties/children separate and see if this would be more successful?

I guess we all try to 'escalate' the relationship in our own way, dependent on the variables at play, I just know at almost 40, the naïveté of youth has gone and I've lived through too much/too many relationships to know better
...

It’s so hard when you do love each other though.
I am also not naive but I cannot deny that there was something there that I’ve not had before. It felt like home and when it was good - which is was 90% of the time - it was very good.
There was some trauma bonding too, I think. There was an element of something not completely healthy and I know this and that is what I keep reminding myself of. There was an element of having to hold part of myself back because sometimes I might say the wrong thing and that would upset them or make them angry - often resulting in them just blocking me out of the blue and then a day later it all being like it hadn’t happened.