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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship Pressures

19 replies

Lostfound21 · 11/10/2021 22:40

Hi, I need some advice. I'm with my girlfriend 3'years, She is 37 and I am 45. She has 2:children from a previous relationship who are 11 and 15. We live close enough and as a result I spend 4 nights a week there and all weekends as its easier with the kids.
Over the last while we have been having a few rows and tonight she called over and if all came out. She said she didn't feel secure and wanted me to move in with her ASAP. We talked about it previously and I said I'd move in next June but she wants me to move in next month. The reason I said June
is as there are a few issues with her children's behaviour.. Nothing major but just a few things that I'd find difficult to live with but they t could be sorted over that time frame She also said she wants a commitment meaning an engagement ASAP. She said if these things don't happen then there is no point staying together.
I do love my girlfriend and do intend to move it with her and marry her and I have said this to her whenever we discuss it and also that id move in next year and assuming that went well we could buy a bigger house together soon enough after and then get married..
I am just uncomfortable doing this immediately just to keep her happy.
Any advice at all appreciated.

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 11/10/2021 22:44

If you're not ready to move in with her yet, then don't. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2021 22:55

How do you feel about the ultimatum?

What are the issues with her DC and what makes you think they’re resolvable in a matter of months? She’s presumably happy enough with their behaviour that she wouldn’t try to change them for you.

Do you want to be a full time step dad?

Do they see their dad?

You’re in different places, and that’s okay.

After 3 years I can see why she’s getting jittery about commitment but leaping straight to the whole hog of cohabiting and marriage and insisting on things happening within a month is either desperate or mad.

What are you going to do?

PleaseHelp21 · 11/10/2021 23:07

No they never see their dad. He lives abroad. Her children are very nice but there are just a few issues around very rarely clearing up after themselves and leaving a mess I the kitchen,/bathroom!/ sitting room and food out of the cupboard and fridge and bed times (up after midnight on school nights when I have work in the mornings). er son has an awful habit of not washing his hands after going to the toilet (1and 2) and then is in handling food in the kitchen.. They aren't major issues but would annoy me but with a bit of effort in the time before I move in could be sorted out. This is an aside though as I do plan moving in at some stage but I'm not ready just yet and I see no point getting engaged until we have lived together for a while

Pinkbonbon · 11/10/2021 23:12

The thing is though that if there are a few things that 'need be sorted' with the kids, then there are probably going to be many more things over the years. If I were her I would think perhaps that this was a bs stalling tactic.

That being said, if you don't want to live with her
currently then that is your perogative. As is it hers to decide you have had enough time to propose and move in already. If she wants more kids especially then she has arguably been more than fair giving you 3 years to decide to properly commit.

tickertock · 11/10/2021 23:17

What makes you think the children's habits will change from June next year?
I don't think living with them is for you and you know this, but by putting off the timeline isn't really helping, the issues you find hard will still be there.

litterbird · 11/10/2021 23:22

If you are waiting for the kids to step up and get in line to what you think is right then you are on to a losing battle. I just don’t think you will be the right step parent for them. It’s been 3 years, you have stalled until June so they can correct themselves. You are going to be in for a big shock when you move in permanently. Your girlfriend has had enough of the stalling and has given you the ultimatum because she knows you are doing it. If you can’t move in and commit now then it won’t happen. You just aren’t right for this family and that’s ok. Being a step parent is difficult and kids will never conform to your standards. It will be a stressful disaster for all concerned. I think you both need to reconsider your futures.

PleaseHelp21 · 11/10/2021 23:36

My girlfriend has been ill for a lot of the last few years and as a result has not really enforced any discipline on her kids. She has recovered now so there is now an opportunity to correct this.
With all due respect its not stalling or bs when I dont want to be kept up before work with children roaming around or walking into a mess in the kitchen in the morning or wondering if the food I'm eating has faeces on it. I hardly think any of that can be described as unreasonable and saying her kids won't conform to my standards. With a bit of time and action all could be resolved. Tbh the real issue is I'm not comfortable moving in ASAP or getting engaged right away. I intend to move in next year and then buy a house together and get engaged within a year of that and she knows this.

Pinkbonbon · 11/10/2021 23:47

Op i hate to say it but it sounds like she may just discipline (or not discipline in her case) her children differently to what you would if they were yours. You say you've been dating a few years years she has been ill a few years...did you see her be a lot firmer with them before her illness? And even if you did...can you be sure she will revert back to it? I suppose that stalling until June might give you a better idea but...truthfully, ifnyoubare really honest with yourself, do you want to live with these children ever?

PleaseHelp21 · 12/10/2021 00:05

Yes I want to live with her children. The main point I am trying to make is that I'm not comfortable moving in ASAP or getting engaged right away. I intend to move in next year and then buy a house together and get engaged within a year of that and she knows this but she is now saying if I don't move in within a month or so it's over

StarCourt · 12/10/2021 01:54

Name change fail OP.
If she has given you an ultimatum but it's not what you want then I think your relationship is over.
But you really don't sound compatible

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2021 02:07

I think you should run for the hills. Quickly.

Strangevipers · 12/10/2021 02:07

Everything can't be on her terms !

You need to be happy too !

Getting the kids to go to bed earlier because you have work will possibly never happen but getting the kid to wash his hands is completely reasonable

You need to find a compromise with her !

She shouldn't rush you to move in and get engaged and on the other hand you shouldn't stall forever as that's not fair on her

WaterBottle123 · 12/10/2021 06:58

You've posted about this before right? Kids leaving the cupboards open which you call 'presses' rings a bell?

You were told then not to move in as things won't change. You are not suited to living with teens. And that's ok.

SortingItOut · 12/10/2021 07:03

You spend 4 nights a week there and weekends so that's basically all week....you basically live there already.

Does she claim benefits? Is thst why its not official?

If you already stay 4 nights a week how do you manage with sleep for work now?

I think her giving you an ultimatum is controlling and you just need to say No and explain again what timeline you're working to and see if you can compromise.

I wonder why she has so much importance on you living with her and getting engaged?

HollowTalk · 12/10/2021 07:05

I wouldn't move in with a woman who had difficult children. I certainly wouldn't get engaged to her and I definitely wouldn't buy a house with her. You're just going to make your life very very difficult if you go ahead with this.

PleaseHelp21 · 12/10/2021 07:53

I think I'm crazy. The amount of posts here saying I'm stalling or not suitable living with teens when I really don't think it's unreasonable to expect somebody to wash their hands after going for a number 2 and then handling food/dishes. I've mentioned 3 specific issues around her kids. There are no more and there will never be any more. The 3 issues don't even have to be solved to perfection just some progess made on it. Can anyone posting please bear that in mind and stop saying I want perfection, or will never be happy or will always find something wrong as this is incorrect. I've tried to make this clear but some people are just ignoring that and focusing on it.
Also to clarify something else she does not want more children as someone else mentioned.
Main point is I'm not comfortable moving in now and have said I'll move on a certain date next year and don't think it's a good idea getting engaged until we live together a bit. She wants all that now or else it's over.

Hattiehottie · 12/10/2021 08:07

I think there are some red flags here OP. Why the rush all of a sudden? What's the financial set up going to be if you were to move in?

I wouldn't move in either right now, think you are sensible to put the breaks on and tbh I'd be getting concerned there is another agenda here.

litterbird · 12/10/2021 08:25

At the end of the day OP she wants commitment ASAP you don’t. The relationship is over if she follows through with the ultimatum so the choice is out of your hands. I would start to prepare for the worse if no compromise can be found.

litterbird · 12/10/2021 09:16

OP you name changed half way through for some reason....under your original name Lostfound21 you have already posted about your girlfriend a few months ago with her behaviours....most posters told you to leave. I think you have way more problems than leaving it until June to move in....personally I would run a mile.

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