How much time do you spend with your husband?

[Annabelle780909]

Me and my husband are naturally introverts so both need ‘me’ time especially as we have two young children under 3 so even none introverts can feel a bit burnt out socially after the kids are in bed.

However...I feel we’re spending less and less time together and act more like housemates than a married couple. Even though I also like my space and own time with friends / hobbies I feel like my husband would happily spend every night apart unless prompted by me.

We don’t sleep in the same bed as our youngest often wakes in the night and comes into our bed and husband can’t get back to sleep so he sleeps elsewhere...I feel like he’s quite happy sleeping in the spare room though.

We also barely spend any evenings together...I can’t even get him to commit to sitting in silence watching the same series. He will say he wants to watch that series on his own time or watch something else. If we do spend an evening together it’s always initiated and arranged by me. My mum baby sits once every 2 weeks and I always plan what we do. I feel like he makes it quite obvious that spending time together is a chore / tick box exercise before he can go off and do his own thing (Xbox usually or he says he’s tired and needs to go to bed but watches Netflix till 1am).

We barely have sex also ....

Is it just me?! I’ve tried bringing this up and he acts like I’m being needy or the amount of time we spend together is normal when people have two kids. Maybe I’m expecting too much. We probably spend one evening or partial evening together a week (promoted by me).

Do you eat meals together?

We do eat dinner together (with our kids though). Plenty of family time just not much one-on-one time.

Quite a lot, most evenings from around 6pm onwards and about half of each day at the weekend. We're not chatting or holding hands the whole time but we like being near each other in silence or just doing our own thing.

Every couple is different though.
I think your barely having sex comment is more of a concern.

Could you 'book' some time together? E.g. agree that every Monday night you cook dinner together, watch a film or show together and have sex? It's not fair for you to feel lonely.

Maybe it's a having 2 small kids thing but we're similar. I feed the baby to sleep after dinner and then just stay in our room on my laptop, in theory studying but often not. He cleans up downstairs then goes outside to smoke weed. I don't like the smell so prefer that he waits a while before coming up. His time outside is his time to relax but i don't want to sit in the living room watching the Netflix menu for 45 mins waiting for him.

At the weekend we'll spend time together as a family but the evenings are the same as during the week. Occasionally he'll suggest we watch something together in bed but he then goes downstairs to watch match of the day and often will fall asleep on the sofa and creep into bed at 3am.

I hope once the baby is out of our room things might change a bit. But his time outside smoking won't so maybe not 🤷🏼‍♀️

We ended up spending too much time together during lockdown and hating it, and possibly have now gone too far in the other direction.

That sounds like its less than us and we're currently in a long distance marriage set up. We try to meet most weekends and spend the entire weekend together (bar gym visits etc). I'm not sure it sounds particularly healthy OP. I think have a calm discussion about it / whether he wants things to change to and if so how to go about it?

I think it’s the fact that he seems completely comfortable and happy with the situation as well...I feel like he’s happy with a co-parent / mum to his kids / financial partner to pay half the mortgage and that’s a marriage to him. I miss intimacy, conversations that aren’t about nappies and sex! It just feels odd sitting in separate rooms most evenings.

When I’ve brought it up he says I’m ‘being silly’ and things will get better when the kids are older. I feel like we’ll be strangers by then if we don’t make an effort though. He says he just feels so tired that he only wants to be by himself a lot of the time. I deal with all the night wakings and always have done so not disputing his tiredness but it does grate on my nerves a bit when he says this.

I dont think it sounds like he is very invested in the relationship, even if he is in the family. Does he spend time with anyone else at all, or does he generally always want to be alone? Either way it's no way to have a relationship, especially if you're feeling the need for more already - or to feel that he wants a connection too. I'd have to have a talk about it and seriously think about whether you're happy to stay this way.

I would change the sleeping together thing as its like he is single sitting in his bed alone watching Netflix. It doesn't lead to closeness. At least in the one bed ye start off together each night, have a little chat, cuddle and more sometimes. It makes you feel more like a couple as distinct from parents. Then if little one comes in later one of ye can hop into spare bed. I m definitely of the opinion that sleeping in the same bed keeps you both feeling attached

Every couple is different though.
I think your barely having sex comment is more of a concern.

I agree with this. Sex is what differentiates a friendship from a romantic relationship.

In most of my LTRs I have had similar patterns to your husband. I'm not into most tv so often my partner would be watching tv and I'd be working in my home office. However, I would ALWAYS make time for sex. I used to get up 5.30am, go for a run, work at home from 6am til 7am, make him a cuppa and join him back in bed for a quickie before leaving for work. Then at the weekends we'd have a long lazy morning in bed, either a really long bout of sex or a couple of shorter ones. However our children were late teens.

Has his level of participation dropped since you had kids? I don't think that's particularly unusual Tbf. But he does need to realise that he's not putting enough into the relationship - it takes effort and planning with young kids, but it's perfectly possible, especially with your mum doing babysitting.

We don't spend us much time the two of us as we would maybe like, maybe six hours a week total. But it is out of necessity with the young kids and a house to run! Could it be that the problem isn't so much the actual amount but that fact that you want to spend more time together and feel like he doesn't?