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Original poster

BF Friendship with Ex

17 replies

RamonaLark · 11/10/2021 17:51

New relationship, 4 months, and very lovely with no red flags. Been on holidays together, introduced to friends and family, and have been having a great time all-round. It feels fantastic in a natural way, no love bombing, yet really compatible and happy.

He would like to remain friends with his ex who he was with for four years and broke up with over a year ago (she initiated the breakup). She, without knowing of my existence, contacted him two months ago to say she still had feelings for him (she currently has a BF as well). He said he had met someone and was happy so they then gave each other space. Sadly, her dad passed away a couple of weeks ago and she contacted bf about that. He is a kind and supportive man and she sounds like a lovely person as well. This, for the first time, made me feel uncomfortable and I expressed it but didn’t ask him to change any behaviour. I also haven’t asked anything about whether they have stayed in regular contact since. He has been open and honest with me and I do trust him so I’ve left him to it. Grief is awful and I would never begrudge people supporting each other.

I feel a little confused because I do trust him but also feel like this may be crossing boundaries for me, how do I reconcile that?

I must stay civil with my XH who is also a nice man, the father of my two children and a member of my childhood friendship group (so we go to the same weddings, etc). We only really communicate about children, do not emotionally share with each other but will have a laugh at a shared event in a group. BF has met XH and all good there, I don’t think BF would mind if XH and I were good friends, he seems to trust me with that. I have a friend who I had an intense fling with who has been in Australia for 18 months. If he came back I’d like to resume my friendship and would ensure it was platonic.

I would never accept BF controlling who I was friends with nor would I want to control his friendships (but I would end a relationship that was making me uncomfortable). I really like him and I trust him, I would like to remain friendly with people I have been with, so why do I feel odd about it?

OP posts:
Rogue1001 · 11/10/2021 18:00

You sound far too balanced, rational and emotionally healthy to be posting on here! 😆

Sorry that that’s not the advice you were hoping for.

I guess all you can do is listen to yourself and communicate honestly and openly with him and note his actions and responses

kwarantina · 11/10/2021 18:10

I don’t want to scare you, but I had a similar situation with my ex. I was uncomfortable with it but let it go. Lo and behold, guess who was texting him to tell him to dump me?

BlueSlate · 11/10/2021 20:58

You feel odd about it because she has declared feelings for him and he hasn't put appropriate boundaries in place.

Everyone knows that friendships between exes only work where there are no residual romantic feelings - even if they are only one sided.

He isn't being fair to her or to you. He just likes the idea of being someone who helps others out and is suffering from Knight in Shining Armour Syndrome!

She has a boyfriend. It is his role.to support her following her bereavement not her ex's/your boyfriend's.

You feel odd about it because you are approaching this and your own relationships with exes from an emotionally healthy standpoint and he isn't.

In your shoes, I wouldn't be comfortable either and I generally don't police friendships either. In your position, I'd end it (I have no problem ending relationships that require me to compromise myself). You can't dictate his 'friendships', no, but you can walk away from unhealthy dynamics that you aren't comfortable with.

BlueSlate · 11/10/2021 21:02

I feel a little confused because I do trust him but also feel like this may be crossing boundaries for me, how do I reconcile that?

You don't need to reconcile it.

You say in your first line that there are no red flags but the fact you feel this has crossed a boundary of yours is a red flag.

And I agree with you - a boundary has been crossed.

Roberta268 · 11/10/2021 21:14

Hmm, I was in an almost identical situation. I eventually concluded that he’d never really gotten over her and I felt second-best with good reason.

tickertock · 11/10/2021 21:19

Wouldn't it be nice if we all trusted everyone in the best intentions, be careful not to be too naive, his ex has feelings and her intentions is probably to get him back, you just take his word that he doesn't have feelings but he wouldn't say if he did..
why would anyone stay friends with an that had feelings if they in another relationship I think this is disrespectful to you and he should be leaving his past behind.
They know they don't work as a couple but if the temptation is there and with your blessing to be in contact and meeting each other, can you fully trust it's only platonic.
That's a high risk

FreedomFaith · 11/10/2021 21:32

He should be putting up boundaries with her as he knows she has feelings for him, but he's not interested. So he shouldn't be the one consoling her on her dad unfortunately, it's not appropriate and it will just make her feelings stronger. It's not fair on her, and for that I think he's not being very nice here. You don't stay friends with someone and helping them knowing they love you, it's just cruel.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/10/2021 21:33

I had a similar situation a few years ago and he ended up leaving me for her. I didn't have any worries - I met her a few times at family events, as they shared children, she was lovely.

Turns out he was developing feelings for her and initially she didn't reciprocate. He's very persuasive. To her credit she refused to entertain anything until he'd finished with me and moved out. (I know this from reading their texts 😳)

They ended up marrying (hadn't been married first time round) a few years ago. Shortly after that he dropped me a speculative text, clearly looking for a booty call. I told him to piss off!

spotcheck · 11/10/2021 21:44

@FreedomFaith

He should be putting up boundaries with her as he knows she has feelings for him, but he's not interested. So he shouldn't be the one consoling her on her dad unfortunately, it's not appropriate and it will just make her feelings stronger. It's not fair on her, and for that I think he's not being very nice here. You don't stay friends with someone and helping them knowing they love you, it's just cruel.
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Original poster
RamonaLark · 11/10/2021 21:53

I appreciate the replies, thank you.

I should add, in case it wasn’t clear, that I don’t know whether he is supporting her or whether they have been in regular contact. I haven’t asked.

I did tell him at the time (of the bereavement) that it wasn’t yet a friendship because there were residual feelings, even if just one-sided, and that it would be nice but not kind to be there as a core member of support. He understood and said he hadn’t considered it that way.

I haven’t brought it up since that night. I will, but I needed to understand how I felt about it and what my boundaries were first. Especially as grief is such a trigger subject for me.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 12/10/2021 04:17

Although his Ex has a BF, she has reached out twice (that you know of) to declare feelings and seek emotional support from your BF. I too would feel uncomfortable. For the sake of your relationship, I hope he has taken heed of your wise words.

If they do have a Damsel/Rescuer dynamic, this could be a slippery slope. The bottom line is, a safe friendship between them is untenable because she is carrying a torch.

Ramona, you clearly need to have a chat to get the lay of the land.

pollypocketlover · 12/10/2021 16:54

I wouldn't be comfortable with this. I think it's disrespectful for him to stay in contact with someone who has declared feelings for him and who is now re-building an emotional link with him.

RantyAunty · 12/10/2021 17:06

They're not friends though.
I imagine she had other friends and family for support.

He's created a triangle. An inappropriate one. Since she broke up with him, it's probably a big ego boost that she reached out.

I'd call his bluff and tell him it looks like he may need some time to sort things out with his ex and then distance yourself.

This will make clear to him that you refuse to be part of a triangle with him and his ex.

Original poster
RamonaLark · 12/10/2021 19:00

It just came up naturally because he told me about the funeral which he got an email about from her brother. He hasn’t spoken to her since the day he died but will be going to the funeral. I’m happy with that and fee he has been appropriate.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 12/10/2021 22:18

I think he just sounds like a decent guy. If it was me I would be like you and respect others right to be friends with an ex if they wish. However, as she has declared feelings for him this definitely changes things. I would let him know again that you are uncomfortable with this since she declared that and ask him to step back a bit

waterrat · 12/10/2021 23:00

I would feel uncomfortable myself with this but being realistic it is tricky when you are only 4 months in. That doesn't seem long to me.

I think you would be in your rights if you feel close to this guy to be honest that it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Sadly she could be using this moment to lean on him knowing he won't be able to say no

waterrat · 12/10/2021 23:01

All you can do is see how he behaves. He has turned her down once so hopefully he is an honest guy.

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