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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH wants to move on

110 replies

Tina7391 · 11/10/2021 17:48

My partner says he wants to put our house (that we bought a year ago) on the market because it hasn't "fixed" us. I had no idea anything had been wrong until this declaration. I'm really angry as the house that was sold to pay a huge deposit was my house. I feel as though I've lost loads due to him not being honest. I asked several times before we moved if he was sure as this was a big commitment. We've been together a long time. He's done this before during stressful periods at the start of our relationship but I would have said we've been solid for several years. I'm just so mad and trying to hold it together as don't want to rile him before the house is sold. How do I deal with my anger? Help

OP posts:
Azerothi · 13/10/2021 14:58

I am genuinely perplexed at how people think the boyfriend played the OP.
It sounds very much like she went into this with her boyfriend with her eyes wide open.

A quick google would tell anyone what she did was a huge risk and OP doesn't come across as in anyway stupid.

He is a shit though and his behaviour is awful, but isn't anyone allowed to leave a relationship for any reason?

MsPavlichenko · 13/10/2021 15:03

Please get legal advice ASAP. Taking control of your situation will help you feel better in any case . Once you know what it is (good or bad) you can start to plan. He’s way ahead of you here I’ m afraid so move quickly and discuss nothing with him. Nothing at all.

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 13/10/2021 15:05

@Azerothi - I don't think anyone is saying he cannot or should not leave.

The proof of his character will be if he tries to take what he is legally (but not morally) entitled to through technicalities.

This is what the OP is understandably worried about. Though we all hope that this won't be the case, of course.

Original poster
Tina7391 · 13/10/2021 15:09

@MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast

I read it as OP had a house that was hers alone, sold it and used the proceeds on a house they bought together.

The biochemical "in-love" lunacy that wreaks with havoc with rational thinking is truly frightening. In theory it could happen to any of us.

I'm not sure if he planned it for the entirety of your 13 year relationship (that would be a very long game indeed) but he probably saw an opportunity at some point.

OP, I'm so sorry, you must be devastated.

Please keep posting, keep talking and look after yourself x You're going to be okay xxx

Thank you. It's nice to have somewhere to come and rant. I don't think he planned any of it. I think he may have met someone else though. I'm taking comfort that he left his wife with everything (she had an affair). This happened 10 years before I met him.
OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 13/10/2021 15:17

Get legal advice and if it turns nasty tell him you'll be going to court. Since he doesn't have the money to pay legal fees would be likely go to court or just settle for a different deal of how the house is divided up?

HarrisonStickle · 13/10/2021 15:31

I very much doubt he'd be entitled to half.

You do need to see a good solicitor.

TravelLost · 13/10/2021 15:32

I'm sorry @Tina7391.

I have to say I'd go and see a sollicitor about the house. (And not tell him!)
It very mch sounds like he was, at least not hnest with you when you bought the house. At worst he bought it with you and pushed it knowing he would then (hope to) get half.

I can see why you can't look at him in the eyes tbh.

TravelLost · 13/10/2021 15:33

I think the cat you've only been in the house for a year will play in your favour too.

meadowbleu · 13/10/2021 15:42

He acknowledges that I put in most of the money and says I'll get my share but hence why I'm scared to rock the boat.

Going back to what you said on Monday @Tina7391 I have to say that's very generous of him Hmm

And the fact that he says your previous home always 'felt like yours' well, there was a very good reason for that, but he still lived there over ten years with you.

This £400pcm he contributed for however long it was, you did spend that on food and utilities didn't you, he was contributing to living expenses at that stage not the mortgage. When he stopped contributing that, you not only put a roof over his head but you paid all the bills and potentially food.

I hope I got that right? You need a very clear record not only of capital into the property and mortgage payments but also how the rest of your financial costs were shared.

Original poster
Tina7391 · 13/10/2021 16:17

@TravelLost

I'm sorry *@Tina7391*.

I have to say I'd go and see a sollicitor about the house. (And not tell him!)
It very mch sounds like he was, at least not hnest with you when you bought the house. At worst he bought it with you and pushed it knowing he would then (hope to) get half.

I can see why you can't look at him in the eyes tbh.

I can't look him in the eye. I did find all my paperwork showing that the deposit was paid using the sale of my house. Everything in this house has been bought using my credit card too (paid from a joint account). To be fair he has been making a decent contribution for the past few years since he got a steady job. The first 8 years were a hit or a miss.
OP posts:
Frazzledd · 13/10/2021 16:17

I'm taking comfort that he left his wife with everything (she had an affair). This happened 10 years before I met him.

See, I'd be thinking differently about that. If he left his first wife with everything and had to start from scratch that would have had an impact on how he'd deal with things now, surely? 'Once bitten?

If I'm getting this right, your relationship was at a crossroads before you sold your house and bought together? Was the move part of a 'fresh start' ? Was it instigated by him?

Original poster
Tina7391 · 13/10/2021 16:19

@meadowbleu

He acknowledges that I put in most of the money and says I'll get my share but hence why I'm scared to rock the boat.

Going back to what you said on Monday @Tina7391 I have to say that's very generous of him Hmm

And the fact that he says your previous home always 'felt like yours' well, there was a very good reason for that, but he still lived there over ten years with you.

This £400pcm he contributed for however long it was, you did spend that on food and utilities didn't you, he was contributing to living expenses at that stage not the mortgage. When he stopped contributing that, you not only put a roof over his head but you paid all the bills and potentially food.

I hope I got that right? You need a very clear record not only of capital into the property and mortgage payments but also how the rest of your financial costs were shared.

He was putting in a significant amount for the last 3 years before we moved but previously he was paying digs.
OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 13/10/2021 16:23

Bloody hell take legal advice immediately.

GreenLunchBox · 13/10/2021 16:33

I'm pretty shocked you didn't protect your deposit. Did your solicitor not ask you about this when you were buying the house?

Eralos · 13/10/2021 16:43

Don’t sell the house and split the proceeds. I’d work out how much rent he’d given you over the years, add that to all the money he’s paid into the mortgage and then add 10k onto it and offer it to him to buy him out.

BrilliantBetty · 13/10/2021 16:52

£400 is not really a significant amount given the value of the property.
It's a minimal contribution really isn't it.

Get a good solicitor!

Don't let him walk away with more than he deserves. Sounds like you have been supporting him while he's been earning nothing / little.

Original poster
Tina7391 · 13/10/2021 16:57

@Azerothi

I am genuinely perplexed at how people think the boyfriend played the OP. It sounds very much like she went into this with her boyfriend with her eyes wide open.

A quick google would tell anyone what she did was a huge risk and OP doesn't come across as in anyway stupid.

He is a shit though and his behaviour is awful, but isn't anyone allowed to leave a relationship for any reason?

I totally agree. I was stupid. I think what's annoyed me more is when he told me he hoped the new house would fix us.
OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 13/10/2021 17:11

Are you going to seek proper legal advice ?

LaurieFairyCake · 13/10/2021 17:21

Don't sell the house

He can just move out and get his name off the mortgage since he's paid nothing Hmm

SEE A SOLICITOR

citycitycity · 13/10/2021 17:31

Fuck him, OP, find your anger. How dare he make you sell your lovely home only to break up with you a year later.

See a solicitor.

Have you got any emails at all where you are asking him if he is sure about the move, etc? E-mails talking about your contribution?

Document everything he's paid to you over the years in case you need it.

As others have said try and get hime to sign something now.

Good luck!

Sakurami · 13/10/2021 17:46

OP you need to get legal advice.

TipiForMe · 13/10/2021 18:20

Not sure why it’s “we” bought the house when you paid for most of it. Do you mean you put it in both your names Shock? Just why OP Shock? You must have had a blind sport somewhere….

ONE WORD: SOLICITOR, pronto.

I hope you can extract yourself with minimum financial damage.

TipiForMe · 13/10/2021 18:20

blind spot

Icepinkeskimo · 13/10/2021 19:16

My blood ran cold when I read this OP, I was in exactly the same position as you some years ago. We purchased a house I paid a sizeable deposit, (funds from what my father had left me in his will). This property also needed doing work on it (a lot of work, I may add) 3 years in and just the end was in sight. It wasn't though, I found out about his affair.

My stupidity was the belief that we were 'solid' even when my solicitor asked if I wanted to protect my 'assets' I remember feeling insulted as could never see us splitting up. How very naive I was.

I ended up starting all over again, he moved the other woman into the house and I lost virtually everything. I found the cheapest place I could afford and scraped together a deposit. I moved into my little house with my two cats, my bed, and a few belongings.

What I lost though cannot compare with what I gained. He controlled me (awfully but again you sometimes don't see it or want to admit it). I got my life back, and live it on my terms.

OP, please seek legal advice urgently, do not be me, the doormat that I was. We put our trust into our partners, thinking we are both on the same page, however that can change in a heartbeat (in my case when the grass looked greener for him).

Good luck and I am so very sorry this has happened to you Thanks

Original poster
Tina7391 · 13/10/2021 20:32

@Icepinkeskimo

My blood ran cold when I read this OP, I was in exactly the same position as you some years ago. We purchased a house I paid a sizeable deposit, (funds from what my father had left me in his will). This property also needed doing work on it (a lot of work, I may add) 3 years in and just the end was in sight. It wasn't though, I found out about his affair.

My stupidity was the belief that we were 'solid' even when my solicitor asked if I wanted to protect my 'assets' I remember feeling insulted as could never see us splitting up. How very naive I was.

I ended up starting all over again, he moved the other woman into the house and I lost virtually everything. I found the cheapest place I could afford and scraped together a deposit. I moved into my little house with my two cats, my bed, and a few belongings.

What I lost though cannot compare with what I gained. He controlled me (awfully but again you sometimes don't see it or want to admit it). I got my life back, and live it on my terms.

OP, please seek legal advice urgently, do not be me, the doormat that I was. We put our trust into our partners, thinking we are both on the same page, however that can change in a heartbeat (in my case when the grass looked greener for him).

Good luck and I am so very sorry this has happened to you Thanks

I'm so sorry to read this. I'm so glad things have worked out for you. I hope the grass turned out to be not so green for him. I'll be moving with my 3 cats and don't really care about the material things as long as my cats are okay. Onwards and upwards for us both. Thank you for your message. Lifted my spirits ❤️
OP posts: