Resenting DP and his various health problems

[ThealaMint]

DP and I have been together for 10 years or so. We have one child who is 6.

DP has worked as a handyman since I first knew him. He was earning quite good money at this at the time.

About two years into our relationship, after various incidents, I gave him an ultimatum that he see a psychiatrist or that we were over. He did, was diagnosed as having bipolar and has taken his meds compliantly ever since.

He's had various physical health problems over the years - a bad back being the main one. He also has a bad stomach. Basically he lives with chronic pain.

For the last 18 months or so, he's been sleeping an awful lot. He would happily sleep until 2 in the afternoon most days if I didn't wake him. He can also fall asleep whenever, wherever during the day.

He went to the doctor about it, who did bloods and couldn't find anything physical to explain the sleeping.

I pushed him to see a new psychiatrist (his last one retired) and she has changed his medication. He's been six weeks or so on the new medication, but it hasn't helped anything so far. He's still sleeping as much as before.

He works maybe one or two days a week at the moment. I earn about 3 times his monthly salary when he's working regularly, which was never an issue for me really. I own the house we all live in.

I am boiling with resentment over the fact that I'm the main wage earner, and have now also found myself doing nearly all the childcare and nearly all the housework, while he...sleeps.
I might not mind so much if he seemed grateful or even respectful of the fact that I'm doing all this, but he doesn't. He's often grumpy with me and our child.

When I try to talk to him about it, he shouts that he's living with chronic pain and how would I like to be living with chronic pain etc etc.

Which, you know, he has a point. I'm generally pretty healthy and I don't know what it's like to live with chronic pain.

But I'm just so worn down from all this, from doing practically everything, that I feel like leaving him. And then I feel guilty and I don't know what to do.

Can someone help me talk it out please?

That sounds really hard. Are you happy with him apart from this or is it all consuming now?
My DH has a chronic condition and periods of illness. It’s not the illness that bothers me, it’s how selfish it makes him at the time

When he's not ill/asleep/grumpy because of pain, he's great and we're a good team. Unfortunately, those times are becoming more and more rare.

And yes, I find him very selfish when he's not well.

Thanks for replying @Chunkymonkey123

I think he needs to push for more medical assessment. When you say he has a bad stomach, what does that mean?

It might not be the medication, he might have something serious going on.

I don't blame you for being fed up but he sounds more ill than lazy?

All that sleeping is abnormal. I suggest that he needs referring to someone else. Clearly changing the meds hasn't helped, so it must be something else. Regarding his pain; has he seen a pain consultant?

Most services are accessed through the GP, so he needs to badger the GP to get something sorted out. Go with him, to support him and get answers.

This would what I would do first, rather than consider leaving.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds awful.

Sorry you're going through this. You can't be blamed for feeling worn down.

Chronic pain is indeed awful, but it doesn't give the sufferer an excuse to duck out of every single responsibility, including being a decent human being to their family.

You'll have to ask yourself whether there's much of a chance your DP will improve and things will change for the better ...? Because at the moment it doesn't sound like there's a lot of benefit for you in this relationship.

DH and I both live with chronic pain. Really severe chronic pain. We both work ft, look after our son, do housework etc because we manage it. Sometimes I need to sleep a little more when its been bad, but it doesn't get in the way of our family life, I just go to sleep earlier than I'd have chosen otherwise.
What does he do for his own health?
Does he snore?

Does he snore? Maybe GP needs to investigate the possibility of sleep apnoea with all of the sleeping and nodding off anywhere.

When you say he has a bad stomach, what does that mean?

He's had loads of tests and has already has his gallbladder out three years ago. When he went back for testing after the gallbladder issue, the specialist at the time said there was no reason for him to still be having pain and basically washed his hands of him.

His GP says he's still producing too much bile. I've told DP that he needs to change his diet and stop smoking, but....it's not happening.

You can get internal scar tissue after such surgery which can cause pain. I know, have it from similar. With me it caused small bowel obstructions which were excruciatingly painful. Pretty horrible

What meds is he on as some can cause sleepiness / drowsiness?

Aaah, okay.... so I was thinking that he wasn't getting the right medical advice and support. But then I saw that he has stomach problems but isn't interested in doing anything that might mitigate those.

I'm also interested in the sleeping all day thing - what time does he go to bed? Because anyone sleeping say, 15 hours a day because he's gone to bed at 11pm clearly has a problem and anyone sensible would see that. But if he's actually going to bed at 3am.... well, that's a different story.

I wonder if the doctor "washed his hands of him" because he knows your Dh is basically just not doing anything to help himself. And perhaps he thinks that he's just a big moaner? Because if you were genuinely in so much pain the tyou were basically bedridden, wouldn't you be doing everything you could to find solutions? Whether that be via traditional methods ie hounding your GP etc or alternative - scouring the internet for magic cures or whatever.

He just sounds lazy to me. Sorry.

OP, you're not in prison. If you don't want to stay with him, you don't have to. He may well make a miraculous recovery if you do tell him to leave.

I don't agree. But then I'm on meds people with bipolar take. Olanzapine and fluoxetine. Makes me very tired and sleepy at times.

He's got a diagnosed mental illness, he won't 'make a miraculous recovery if you leave'!

Shows the attitudes of some towards mental health this thread...

I wonder if the doctor "washed his hands of him" because he knows your Dh is basically just not doing anything to help himself

Or could be because they tend to leave MH issues to the MH team who specialise in the meds. Perhaps

Hi, sorry for not coming back before - things needed to be done, as they do when you're in charge of 95% of a household.

Anyway...we had A Talk last night and I really spelled out how unhappy I was in general. He revealed that his psychiatrist has asked for me to come along with him to some of his sessions, but he didn't want that because he feels that "couples' counselling" inevitably leads to relationship break-up. So obviously I pointed out that we were going to inevitably break-up if we didn't start sorting this mess out. So he's agreed to that, but it won't be for a few weeks, for various reasons.

I don't think he's lazy, as it happens, I think he's just stuck. His mental health problems (and I suspect he has a form of ADHD as well as or instead of bipolar) make giving up smoking even more difficult than it would be for an NT person, but he's not going to feel any better until he does.

And things are not going to get any better for us as a family, until he unsticks himself. So...we'll see if our sessions with the psy help. Maybe she can help find a path or a plan forward for us.

Thanks, all of you, for your replies. They've helped.

My DH has bipolar disorder. He spends a lot of time sleeping. Some of that is down to his meds, some is because he has sleep apnoea but mostly it's because when he's down, which is most of the time, it's the only way he can shut off the depression. It does interfere with our life, inevitably, but he tries his best to limit it (although it's not always within his control).

It's good that your DP has agreed to the joint sessions, OP. I've seen most of my DH's psychiatrists and psychologists over the years - back in the heady days when he actually had some decent MH support - and it wasn't 'couples counselling' but the practitioner wanting an outside perspective, because by definition a serious MH condition can skew the individual's perception of themselves or what's going on around them.

Does your NHS Trust still run pain clinics? If so, a GP referral to something like that might be helpful for the physical issues, learning strategies such as pacing. It might also give him a nudge about the diet and smoking; often someone will listen to a professional where they won't listen to a partner.

We're not in the UK, but he has been to a pain specialist before. They were pretty useless, tbh. And I was there with him for that, so can confirm that they were actually pretty useless.

Also, he's been taking meds for bipolar for 8 years and this sleeping thing has been happening for less than two years, so I'm not convinced it's the meds. Or not just the meds anyway.

You don't need to wait and see his therapist though? Sounds like you could benefit from your own therapist to sort your thoughts about this out?

The wait is because I'm travelling with my DC for ten days or so from next week. But yes, maybe I would benefit from seeing a therapist of my own also.

he would be better to have a job, that would get him up in the morning at least