Son's new girlfriend

[JustGettingBy56]

Hi
I'm in my 50s so a bit older than some! My son is in his 30s and has recently, about a year ago, started a new relationship with a girl who is 10 years younger than him.

They only chatted on the internet for the first several months and he met her for the first time about 6 months ago.
I've never met her, though she seems very keen to meet up, so we'll probably do that in a week or two.
I'm a little bit worried though, because she seems to be moving things along a bit quickly, and I feel there are a couple of things that might possibly be red flags?
Firstly, only last week she asked if she could move in with my son, who currently lives alone; even he thought it was a bit soon.
Then, only a couple of days ago, she asked him if she could spend Christmas at my house! She told him that she doesn't want to go to her own parents because she doesn't get on with her dad - fair enough - but there's no mention of her seeing her Mum either?
Maybe I'm being a bit paranoid here, but I'm just thinking it's all a bit too soon, and a tiny bit pushy?
Anyone have any thoughts?
I don't want to cause trouble for my son, but also I don't want him to head into trouble down the way.

The only red flag is that you think you have an say in this.

Tbh, your first comment about being in your 50s so older than some is a bit odd. I think most women on here probably fall between the 30-60 bracket so you're older than some but then younger than others. Same as everyone else.

Can't put my finger on it but that suggests you have some very 'fixed' ideas about how things should be or what's 'right' or 'normal'.

My son is 23. He's single and has no interest in dating currently but I can't imagine giving him advice beyond the simple and practical and then only if he asked for it.

He's an adult. Back off.

IF he is asking your opinion you can gently give it , otherwise nothing you say will come across well
She may be keen and in love and the love of his who knows , she may be a user and be a gigantic mistake only time and only he can sort it out

Blimey, unless there's more to this you're not saying, I am a bit worried you are preparing to to be MIL from hell. I'm guessing that you think at christmas he should be with you and she should be with her own family ie it's "too soon" for them to spend Christmas together? Because that's just weird and wrong and I think most adult couples would expect to be together at Christmas after this long dating.

They've been dating 6 months (or 1 year if you count the long distance/online part) but you don't seem to think it' necessary to meet her or to invite her into your home.

As for living together, agree that the difference in ages is the key point here - if he's 39 and she's 29, then moving in after a year doesn't seem weird if they're serious and at that age for both men and women, longer term plans re marriage and children would be normal. If he's 31 and she's 21 then that's a bit different.

What worries me is that your DS has gone about this the wrong way.
Telling you that she was inviting herself for Christmas put you on the spot.

My DS’ are 20 & 18, we never have any opinion on their GF’s other than they are great etc! Makes life much easier that way.

I agree it seems a little soon to move in together after only six months. I mean, people do it and I'm sure it's often fine, but IMO it is a little soon. I don't think it's pushy just to suggest it - only if she keeps going on about it. Obviously it's up to your DS if he says yes or no.

I think the Christmas thing is nice - I'd be happy to host my adult son's girlfriend. They'll have been together for 8/9 months by then.

Also ... side issue but you opened your post unnecessarily mentioning your age and sounding like you were apologetic for being older - not sure what your age was to do with the post and there is no need to feel out of place because of it, we need to not apologise for our age
Age positivity please !

Now OP, this is absolutely none of your business. If he asks for your opinion, fair enough, otherwise keep out of it. He is a grown man in his 30s who (I presume!) is able to make how own decisions. And why couldn't she come to yours for Christmas with your adult son? Maybe she wants to spend Christmas with him and trying to be accommodating? I find it so weird even having to think about this as your son is in his 30s!!! He's hardly a kid...

OP Is your son a 'mummy's boy'?

If not then stay out of it

We met twice (because of long-distance and 2 different countries) after 2 months of daily talking and getting to know each other, got engaged in 6 months, got married in 9 months.

Thank God we've been happily married for 16 years.

Timing is not always the answer if the relations are going to be happy.

We all mainly go with our gut feeling to make a decision.

I wouldn't interfere and leave it up to him to decide how and what he feels about it and learn from his own life/relations experience.

He's in his thirties! Why is it any of your business who he dates?

I also think it's pretty normal for kids to invite their partners to Christmas after a year together, isn't it?

Really? He's in his 30's ffs.

He met her six months ago and they were talking before that so it's not that hasty to suggest Christmas together. And some people would even be looking for a place together by now arguably.

But your son is a decade older than her so it's up to him to be mature enough to say no to things he is not comfortable with. Tbh, he is too old for her imo. But nothing you've said about HER is particularly red flaggy.

They’ve only been effectively dating for six mounths.. I can understand why you are concerned that/she wants to move in so soon. Does she stay the night already? What’s her housing situation now, if she doesn’t live at home? Does your dc own or rent his place? How is she planning to contribute going forward?

Regarding Christmas, use this as an opportunity to get to know her. You may actually like her!

He's in his 30s why is he not dating women his own age ? This young woman sounds over enthusiastic and maybe your son has prayed on that a little bit?

I mean her coming for Christmas isn't a red flag !

@WhoppingBigBackside

They only chatted on the internet for the first several months and he met her for the first time about 6 months ago. They've been together 6 months

I've never met her, though she seems very keen to meet up, so we'll probably do that in a week or two.
She seems pushy

Firstly, only last week she asked if she could move in with my son, who currently lives alone; even he thought it was a bit soon.
Too soon

Then, only a couple of days ago, she asked him if she could spend Christmas at my house!
Cheeky

She's too young, too pushy and it's too soon.

You only have your son's word about these things though.

My guess is that she wants free accommodation

Wtf. My thoughts are don’t think like this.

If you'd rather not have her for Christmas, say no but be prepared for him to have Christmas with her elsewhere. Otherwise let him get on with it himself but be there to support if he needs it ( but never comment, even if they split up). It's just not worth the fall out.

Does she stay the night already?

Have we time travelled to 1821? FFS. They're both adults, one assumes that the chances are that they are having sex, and yes, sleeping over at each other's houses.

Is your son an only child and is this his first serious relationship? Because otherwise this all seems very weird to me.

He is an adult who has been in a relationship with another adult for somewhere between six months and a year. Talking about Christmas plans would be absolutely normal, and talk about moving in together certainly not unusual at this stage.

What is unusual is a 30-something man's mother thinking she should or could intervene in his relationships. If you don't want to have the girlfriend over at Christmas, that is fine, but they may choose to spend it together elsewhere.

(fwiw I am in my fifties, have two young adult children, one of whom lives with his girlfriend and she would have been welcome to come to ours for Christmas at any point in their relationship; both of my past long-term relationships progressed to living together by around the six-month point)

My Fiance and I moved in together after 2 months so 6 months does not seem like an issue to me. Everyone has different ideas on what is an acceptable amount of time to move in together. My opinion only but be there if he needs you but try and stay out of his relationship. You never know, when you meet her you may get on really well.

Not difficult to see why pushy women are his type...

Oh god, I'm trying to imagine my Mum getting involved in my relationships at that age! Cringe. I met my husband at 20 and by 30 we were married with one child and another on the way. Let your son manage his own relationships; all you need to do is be receptive to listening if he wants to talk to you about anything.

Meant to add there are 6 years between us, too. I was a student at the time and moved in with him fairly quickly as it was so much nicer than my horrid student accommodation!

He’s a thirty something year old man. Does he always run his relationship decisions by you first?

You’ve never even met his GF. So all this has come from him.
Perhaps when you actually meet her you can make up your own mind then.

From what I read is she’s keen to meet her bf’s family.
Keen to progress their relationship.
Thinking she’d like to spend Xmas with him (and therefore you if he’s planned to spend it at yours)
I can’t see any red flags.