How do I get past the hurt of what my sister and her ex did to me?

[SisterDrama]

NC for this as it’s pretty outing. And long. Sorry.

I have a completely broken relationship with my younger sister. We don’t talk. I’ve never met her child. We haven’t seen each other in many years. The whole situation makes me really sad and angry, mostly because my parents are advancing in years and aren’t likely to be with us for much longer and I don’t want to make their remaining time fraught and dramatic with the fallout between us.

I also want to stop being excluded. Whenever there are events/get togethers or whatever she is invited and I don’t find out about it until afterwards and it hurts. I’m not even given the option to self exclude, I am the one frozen out. And I see this as doubly hurtful because I was the victim in the fallout.

Some years back my sister got together with her, now thankfully, ExH. He wasn’t a nice man on any level and was up to all sorts with other women behind her back. I told her and was well and truly shot as the messenger. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything but I sit in the would rather know camp.

So it blew up, the pair of them were all over social media telling all sorts of lies about me and calling me all sorts of names. I blocked and ignored and got on with my life. I found out they were engaged from my mother and asked at that point if he was treating my sister properly – I asked this of my mother in a conversation with her, nothing public, nothing malicious, just concern.

So this is when they hit, as far as I can see, the nuclear button. They made a malicious and wholly untrue report about me to social services. This was shown to be false and no action was taken but it caused me a whole lot of hassle. And still is a very painful memory for me.

My sister has now left the dreadful man and we’re supposed to pretend that the actions were all him being controlling and abusive. And I don’t doubt that it’s partly true, but she had form for lies and drama before she met him and since the split she hasn’t once spoken to me to apologise for, or explain, or even acknowledge what they did.

I am under a huge amount of pressure to blame the ExH and say all is fine and I just don’t know how. It was such a big deal when they made the report and it has never been withdrawn or explained or anything. How do I get over it? Or do I just keep away from the toxicity and accept my exclusion?

That's tough OP. I completely understand your hurt and your reasoning for wanting to not be toe the party line but I don't think you have a choice unless you wish for things to remain a they are. Counselling would go a long way into acceptance of what's happened and accepting nothing can change it.

Accept your exclusion. Get on and enjoy your life without them. They do not deserve to have you in their lives. Go and do something nice for yourself today. 💐

Because you both have children and the GPs are getting on, I would be in a room with the elephant.
Having been a victim of abuse in a relationship, I can tell you it’s not all straightforward, her head is probably well and truly fucked. Not excusing what she did etc.
Pop in when you know she’s at your parents with the kids. Compliment the kids, make it fun and lighthearted, don’t stay long and don’t bring stuff up: ‘the kids are here’.

You won’t resolve the past issues. Don’t wait for her apologies, she’s not strong enough to give them. Detach, pretend there is no elephant in the room, but if the elephant starts stomping, just remind them the kids are here.
Not sure if it’s the right thing to do, but that’s what I would do.

H'mm, I have been fairly NC with my younger sister for 30 years now, I won't go into the ins and outs of what she and her DH did to myself and my older sister but it was pretty unforgivable.
However if she had come to me at any time and apologised I would have forgiven her, needless to say she hasn't.
The thing is over time and as I have gotten older I have realised that I actually don't like her very much and if I had met her in a work situation, or at a social occasion I would not have made any effort to forge a relationship with her.
This is the crux of the matter, did you/do you like your sister, do you want to have a relationship with her? If so how far are you prepared to go to reconcile with her, how important is a reconciliation to you?

I am under a huge amount of pressure to blame the ExH and say all is fine and I just don’t know how. It was such a big deal when they made the report and it has never been withdrawn or explained or anything. How do I get over it? Or do I just keep away from the toxicity and accept my exclusion?

Why do you think they are putting you under so much pressure? So they'll feel better, so they don't feel in any way to blame?

It sounds very much like your parents are siding with your sister. I wonder if they are doing what they can to keep her on side because they're afraid of the fall out. That's not fair on you though, whatever their reasoning.

Why accept your exclusion? Why not be the one who excludes yourself? Yes, I think avoiding the toxicity is a good idea, why put yourself through that?

I think there are things in life we can't get over, closure isn't often a RL thing. We have to learn to live with events and hopefully once life has moved on it'll be less painful but you can't just switch off the hurt you have obviously felt for so long

Wow!!! The exclusion is a horrible thing for so many reasons! It’s never nice to have any voice taken from you and be so far out of control. Especially when it sounds like you are the victim! Being punished for telling the truth and trying to be kind, it’s something as kids we’d be shouting “it’s not fair”, but it sounds like you have no one to sort this. As I’m typing it sounds like I’m being light hearted about this but saw a friend go through similar and it was several levels of hell and total bull, all the more shocking when it’s several adults involved and none of them want to see the truth and willing to throw someone under the bus :(

Anyway should you try and sort things out?

I don’t think so. Reading your story made me feel anxious (and I’m a chilled person). It’s a sort of multi-layer betrayal. By family, and public, and over what sounds like a long time. And threatening your family’s happiness. Calling social services like that is so serious. Honestly it’s abhorrent how they acted. Your sister may need to grow but you are definitely not the one to help her here, especially as you were her target. And please please save yourself anyway - the thought of even dealing with any of that mess again, it’s too much. Now I’m wondering why no one helped, why aren’t your parents helping?! It may be that they’re so grateful she’s away from her partner that they’re willing to put you on hold to keep her happy. She’s probably figuring out all the stuff he did wrong, she might one day go “oh and then we did that jointly to my sister”. It’s very complicated and painful surely, but she’s the one that needs to figure that out. If she hears it from you she’ll likely back away and consider you the enemy again. It doesn’t sound like she was particularly nice before all this so (other than wishing her well) do you want a relationship with her? Perhaps it’s more about the practicalities of dealing with parents - eg getting a power of attorney in place.

What you need to do urgently really is speak to a professional. What you went through was just grim. Find out how to move past being treated like that, how to deal with a real injustice, find out how to keep moving on. Whatever you do don’t compromise your family’s happiness for a chance with your parents/ sister. Also feel free to rant!! What a shit way to be treated

My sister reported me to ss, I’m never speaking to her again, someone that can try to get your kids taken off you isn’t worth speaking to again (I’m mean that’s what people hope when they make malicious calls to ss)

That sounds really tough @SisterDrama.

I’m wondering whether you feel sure that if you toe the line and accept your family’s interpretation, that you will definitely be brought back into the fold? And how will this occur? Do you have to take the initiative with your sister to smooth things over? If so, will you really be able to do it? It may be that after a frank conversation, you actually feel less able to rejoin the family for these events as it may anger and hurt you even more, especially if your sister is in denial (as it sounds she is).

The main problem is that you can try to forgive but you won’t forget, it really needs some genuine care and attention from your family to help move you all on and it doesn’t sound all that promising.

Alternatively, this is an opportunity to move on emotionally yourself and detach from this family dynamic. It’s not your fault that things aren’t as smooth as you might wish for your parents and it’s not your job alone to fix this. If you can find a way to accept the exclusion, that might be better. I’m so sorry though, it’s a rubbish choice .

I would carry on NC until your sister apologises and admits she is in the wrong.

🌷wishing you all the best OP. I've had issues with my family and know how hard it is. In my case I've withdrawn. I now accept things won't get any better. Things may be different in your situation but only you can know this. The one thing I have learned out of years of sorry mess, is that you can't change people.

@SnowyQueen

I would carry on NC until your sister apologises and admits she is in the wrong.

This.

Sounds like you were looking out for her and trying to be a good sister and that's the thanks you get? Absolutely disgusting behaviour. Even if the ex was the driving force behind everything they did to you, that doesn't negate her part in it and she 100% owes you an apology at the very least

If your parents exclude you and always include your sister, they're as bad as her.

It's probably always going to make you feel bad but I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive either side, and I certainly wouldn't rewrite history so that your sister takes less blame either.

Also if you all do have kids, that’s hard as you obviously want to see them but don’t want the next generation thinking it was you in the wrong. Not for being stubborn, but you don’t want your kids gaslighted and feeling you can’t be trusted. So I would make it clear you’re there if they ever want to chat, but I’d even be wary about the kids hanging out without you. The way your sister, her partner and your parents acted is quite dangerous.

I'd personally go NC with the lot of them, your parents included

Her Ex may have been an arsehole but she still joined in with a malicious SS report which could have lost you your DC.
I would never forget that behaviour, nor the fact that your DM seems fine with it and probably told them what you said.

Your sister is not to be trusted and could pull a similar stunt in the future if you get on the wrong side of her. The best way to avoid that is to not be around her so she can't make anything up. I would also be wary of telling any of the family anything which could be twisted.

To cite a MN mantra: When someone shows you who they are, take note.

No, protect yourself. Stay excluded. She sounds dangerous as fuck.

Unfortunately neither your parents nor your sister are good people.

I would continue as you or and leave her to your parents.

You sound like a good person and they are not.

Very hard to accept but accept it you must I think.

Perhaps some counselling would help.

I do not believe someone like that would add anything to your life except more drama.

Don’t forgive her op you can never trust someone again after they’ve done that, even with an apology. Stay nc as you are.

At the end of the day OP you will never be able to trust your sister again and I echo everything previous posters have stated in terms of just staying NC etc for the good of your own mental health/

What I do want to add though is that you parents seem to want to present a problem here. They complain about you not being present and beg you to put YOUR trauma aside for your shit of a sister, and yet THEY are actively excluding you from family events and not her?

Your parents are also a problem here OP. I'm sorry

This is beyond hard, and I empathise.

What occurs to me with family members (or for that matter anyone else) who report maliciously to the SS is the following:

If they are 'family' members and they notice a parent needs support or assistance in some way, (babysitting help? moral support?) - why don't they offer it, in the first instance, instead of fobbing the matter off on the SS. In the absence of an offer of support...
why call yourself 'family' in the first place?

I've had this sad experience with one 'family' member and never really got over it. SS came and went, at the time, 'nothing to see here'...it is a horrible thing to go through and it is years ago, but it really dents your confidence and shakes your trust in people when it is a 'family' member who never bothered to ask if there was anything they could do to help. Even worse when it is someone who knows zilch, and I mean nothing about your home life or our child.

Years later, I've been a governor of a primary school in an economically deprived area, done safeguarding training and seen or heard of families that really, really needed referrals to SS (some very extreme cases...and I'm not saying this doesn't happen in more affluent neighbourhoods...it does) and many of them really grateful for the support they received as a result.

I've learned some people do report maliciously, and sometimes it is motivated by jealousy or even plain spite.

SS have to investigate quite rightly, but it is a really awful thing to do when resources are so tight anyway these days.

It sounds to me as if you became a scapegoat because you called out an abusive man.

So, no I wouldn't say it was appropriate to say 'sorry' in this instance or try to repair things or get mixed up in that dynamic again.

I can only suggest you read the book
'Why women get blamed for everything' ....it is written by a researcher and practitioner who describes these dynamics. It is some comfort to those of us who have experienced things like this.

Basically, the message from this book is that these things are very deep seated, and that it is somehow easier to blame the woman who confronts the abuse - rather than accept that the whole thing happened.

As previous posters have said, what is happening has more to say about those members of your family who have 'excluded' you - rather than it has to say about you.

I would suggest some of their reactions are happening because actaully they carry a lot of guilt.

Quite rightly so. Guilt is okay as long as it leads to a change in behaviour. But I don't see any processing or change in behaviour here.

victimfocus-resources.com/products/why-women-are-blamed-for-everything-exploring-victim-blaming-of-women-subjected-to-violence-and-trauma-by-dr-jessica-eaton

Its z big of z mystery shg they havd taken her side. Theres not much you can do. I would go no contact with the lot of them.

Sorry OP but I'm another who thinks your parents have acted despicably in this as well as your sister. It certainly sounds like they have actively participated in excluding you in favour of your sister and her exdh, presumably even after they made their malicious complaint to SS. In your shoes I would not be able to sweep all the under the carpet.